~1,158 words
The tomato greenhouse was very similar to the previous one. When Shandi had unlocked the door with the stolen chip, the doors slid open, and an earthy-scented, cool blast of air rushed over Kerra.
Kerra guessed that it had been watered more recently, as the smell of dirt and minerally water was almost overpowering. Intermingled with that powerful aroma was the more subtle scent of the tomato plants themselves. They smelt somehow sweet, somehow acidic. It was an odor Kerra couldn’t quite put her finger on, but she thought it was wonderful.
Hanging from most of the plants were bright green orbs, some of which were blushing yellow and orange.
Blast Boy let out a sort of strangled cry and sprinted down the row of tomatoes toward the back of the greenhouse. No one else seemed surprised, so Kerra decided that she wouldn’t be either.
“Oh,” said Shandi. “I thought they’d be… you know, ripe?”
No Name checked their tablet. “According to this, they are ripe. They’re ready to pick them in two days. If I’d known they weren’t, I wouldn’t have brought us here.”
“Maybe they’re supposed to be green,” The Grin conjectured. But no one seemed to be willing to try one. They just stared at the green tomatoes in silence.
Something tickled Kerra’s memory. “Wait, don’t tomatoes ripen off the vine?”
Numbers snapped his fingers. “Of course! That’s right, they do. And of course this all makes sense now. Why would they pick them when they still need to go through processing. Not to mention waiting for someone to actually want to buy them. It must take ages for them to actually reach your kitchen.”
The Grin nodded thoughtfully. “No one likes overripe tomatoes.”
Suddenly, a shout came from the other end of the greenhouse, and Kerra jumped. Was about to start running from whoever had caught them when she realized it was Blast Boy. She could barely make them out because the room was so long, but she could tell they were holding something bright red in each hand. Tomatoes?
Kerra, Shandi, and the rest of the gang ran to the back of the greenhouse. Indeed, Blast Boy had found boxes of Roma tomatoes that were ready to ship. Kerra wasted no time in grabbing one of the tomatoes and taking a bite. It was the freshest tomato she’d ever eaten, and her taste buds knew it. She grinned as a stream of juice dribbled down her chin.
After they’d indulged themselves to as many tomatoes as they could stomach, they moved on to the flower greenhouse. Again, they had no trouble as they walked farther than Kerra would normally have reason to walk in a whole day. They didn’t meet a single human worker, and the droids paid them no mind.
The flower greenhouse was full of plants, half of which sported white flowers shaped like bells. They gave off a delicate aroma that reminded Kerra of her mother’s lotion.
“Lily-of-the-Valley,” Angelface murmured. “It’s amazing that we found any blooming at all. They don’t last very long, even genetically modified.” She took a deep breath gave a beatific smile. “They’re absolutely lovely, aren’t they?”
“Yeah,” said Kerra. She reached out to touch one of the delicate bells.
“I wouldn’t eat it though,” Angelface said.
Kerra looked up quizzically. “I wasn’t going to.”
“I was just worried. That’s what we did with the basil and tomatoes after all. But Lily-of-the-Valley is highly poisonous so… if you were thinking of trying some… don’t.”
Kerra laughed. “Don’t look so worried! I wasn’t going to.”
Angel smiled weakly in response.
“These must take a lot of cultivating then,” the Grin mused. “How much fertilizer would you say they’d need?”
“Oh, why yes, I suppose,” Angelface said.
This exchanged was phrased so innocently and casually that Kerra almost didn’t question it, but out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that Blast Boy had suddenly frozen. For a person that never seemed to stop moving, tipped Kerra off to trouble as surely as a scream would have.
“So,” Shandi said, suddenly. “Have you gotten your fill of adventure for the night?”
“I guess,” Kerra said, off-put.
“Grin,” Shandi snapped, “Would you please accompany Kerra back to the elevator?”
“Wait, aren’t you all coming too?” Kerra asked.
“I’d like to admire the flowers a bit more,” Angelface said quickly.
“Me too,” Blast Boy said, a bit too eagerly.
“Don’t worry about us,” Shandi said breezily. “Have a nice night, Kerra. It was fun coming down here with you.”
The Grin put a heavy arm on Kerra’s shoulder. “Come on,” he said brightly, “it’s been a while since we caught up.”
“But, but –” Kerra protested, but the Grin had already shepherded her out the door.
Kerra stewed in her emotions for a minute. On one hand, it was clear that Shandi and her gang were up to something, and it bothered Kerra that they had so forcefully pushed her away. On the other, she knew that they were just trying to protect her and not get her raveled up in all their crime. Why was she so bothered when they were just trying to protect her?
Then Kerra realized. She felt used. It was clear that they had wanted something in that Greenhouse. That’s why they’d all been so eager to go there in the first place. Kerra had wanted to go, and coincidentally, they were going anyway. I guess not used then¸ she thought. But tricked, at the very least. Whatever she might call it, Kerra felt like she had been dealt with falsely, and that left a sour feeling in her gut.
They’d walked past the first greenhouse when the Grin turned to her, stopping her in her tracks. Confused, Kerra looked up into the Grin’s stitched-up face and was surprised to find pity in his eyes.
“She still hasn’t told you what we’re planning, has she?” he asked, searching her expression.
“What? No, what do you mean?” Kerra stammered.
The Grin sighed. “You do know that we’ve been working on a big project lately, right?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s not my place to say. Really none of us should say, but I think you have the right to know.”
“Know what? Ground above, Grin, just spit it out!”
He looked away.
Realization hit Kerra in the gut. They needed fertilizer. “Please, please tell me you aren’t making a bomb.” Saying the words filled her entire being with dread. A bomb in this city? Would destroy humanity.
The Grin jerked his head back. “What? No of course not! We may be a gang. We may at times be violent. Heck, I’ve gotten my hands dirty more than once, and not just with fertilizer. We may be all these things, but we’re not evil, and we’re not suicidal!”
“Then what?” Kerra nearly shouted.
The Grin looked away and whispered, “The project we’re working on… we’re going to the surface.”
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi. Back for another review. Sorry it took a while to get back to this. I was distracted by another mission for a while.
First Impression: Well...that sounds like quite the plan that the lot of them are working on. And quite a twist there. Didn't see that one coming at all. When you look back on things the twist doesn't line up that well either. It's a little sudden. Besides that though it does sound like an interesting direction to take things in.
Anyway let's get to it,
A bit of awkward phrasing in that last sentence. I can't put my foot down on exactly what's bothering me but my brain is screaming at me and telling me that the sentence does not sound right.
Something I didn't know. Moving on...
So they don't have a separate storage facility. The ones about to be shipped are just stored right in the greenhouse that they were grown in?
This is one of the things that throw of the twist for me so I'll take the time to point all of it out here.
1) None of them seemed to be in any sort of hurry whatsoever in the Kerra's house earlier. If there was a mission you'd expect a couple of forced smiles, some nervousness and maybe a sense of urgency. None of them were planning on Kerra asking them to go to the greenhouses so they must have had a plan to go by themselves and that should have created at least a little bit of tension.
2) When Shandi suggests leaving for the greenhouses not all of them react immediately. It is true that they got ready quite fast and maybe that one person who questioned it was hamming it up a little but still there's no undercurrent of a possible ulterior motive.
3) The gorging themselves on food part...not something you do before a potentially dangerous mission.
But there were a couple of things that helped the twist along.
1)The aforementioned promptness to get ready
2) They way they moved as if it was something they had rehearsed beforehand.
So...make of that what you will but I just wanted to point that out.
Blast Boy suddenly makes a whole lot more sense.
This is a bit of a quick transitions from being real subtle to just flat out giving things away with sloppiness.
Wait...fertilized can be used for bombs. Didn't know that...although I guess there is a bunch of nitrogen in there and that's used for a lot of things that go boom so I guess it must be true.
I'm too lazy to go google this.Well that sounds suicidal so...I don't think your earlier statement is valid Mr. Grin.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Another pretty interesting chapter although this is getting slightly slow paced at the moment. So far we have just eaten basil and tomatoes and walked around introducing each other. Not much has actually happened. Hopefully this cliffhanger means we get some more excitement soon.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Sitrof!
Here I am, awake (enough) and back for another chapter. Here's to hoping that I can keep my sanity in tact enough to provide a somewhat useful review to your lovely story. Getting started...
Yes, I'm running out of ideas at this point, and yet, I refuse to admit failure, yet.
Ooh, yes, I quite like this description. As I mentioned in the last chapter, I quite like that you include the sense of smell in the descriptions -- but this one particularly stood out to me, as I realized I have literally no idea how I would go about describing the scent of a tomato plant. You did an excellent job and I'm able to imagine the scent right now -- but I was quite impressed at what a vivid mental image of the smell of a tomato plant that you were able to create so beautifully. Very well done there!
It feels like you're missing a word from the start of this sentence. I think a "she was about to start running..." would make this sentence flow a bit better than the way it's written now.
Oh no, they're going to steal that fertilizer, aren't they? Boogers.
I also feel like there's something wonky going on here... like either you're missing a word, or that question mark isn't supposed to be there. The sentence starting with "would" doesn't really make sense. I suppose a "that would" would make sense, but so would the "A bomb in this city would destroy humanity."
Also, aha, I knew it!
Hmm. *squints at Grin*
~ ~ ~
OoOOOoo, I quite liked this chapter. I liked how it was so mischievously innocent at first -- and then it taking a turn for the worst. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel bad for poor Kerra getting dragged down in their plots, but at the same time, it definitely helped it feel real.
These chapters have been lovely, but we do need some action soon, or you're running the risk of things getting dull. A gang, no matter how much they like one of their member's sisters, isn't likely to just go out and about on a stroll, like a fairy godmother, granting the wishes of poor Kerra. So the fact that they turned it towards misbehavior is a good twist, and makes for an interesting cliffhanger, which I hope is going to turn to action next chapter. Guess we'll see
Keep writing!
~Shady
Part Six ->
I'm going to be honest, my stomach turned when they mentioned the fertiliser. That was a great decoy and you wrote it really well! I do hope The Grin is telling the truth though. What I love about what you did there is that even though the tension is momentarily eased, the sheer curiosity of what 'going to the surface' means is still pushing me forward onto the next chapter. This plot is so interesting!
Maybe the idea of going to the surface isn't as terrible as making a bomb, but I still distrust Shandi. Now that I know there was a specific reason for them going to the greenhouses I'm even more curios to whether it really was just a chance opportunity to take Kerra along or if there is a plan for which they specifically need her involved.
I don't like to pick at things I already mentioned but... there isn't much else I can find to critique. Your descriptions are wonderful, the blushing green orbs especially, but I'm still struggling to correlate a few of the sensory aspects though, like how the smell of mineral water and dirt can be almost overpowering but a greenhouse full of basil wasn't. Maybe it's just me.
Also, I'm wondering what kind of processing the tomatoes have to go through. I know that this place is enormous even though it functions as a single city, but does it really take so long to process and transport them? Or is there something more suspicious happening to the food before it reaches somebody?
I'm gonna read ahead with the next few chapters and post the reviews most likely in a few days time. If there's anything in particular you want feedback on before I get back drop me a message and I'll keep it in mind.
Also, thank you for posting! I'm really enjoying this novel so far =D
Howdy! It's me again.
This bit about the processing and the waiting time doesn't quite make sense to me? I can't quite put my finger on what's confusing about it, though, so maybe it's just me.
Angleface's response here doesn't entirely match the question--I'm not sure if it's supposed to, because the exchange seems like it's supposed to be a little suspicious, but it just sounds weird for a conversation unless Angel said her line in the middle of Grin's two lines.
Okay, the whole Lily-of-the-Valley sequence--I could tell something was going on with the gang, but I wasn't sure what. I thought it was something to do with the flower itself, because it was pointed out that it's poisonous, but then Kerra's thoughts don't go in that direction at all, which seems sort of odd. (But, if the gang has something down there that they need, at least that explains my question from the other chapter!)
Then there's the question about fertilizer, and I'm not sure why that's important.
Somehow this makes her think it's a bomb? Maybe that's some sort of chemistry stuff I don't understand, but I didn't immediately make that connection, so maybe there could be a smidge bit more about her train of thought here.
Besides that, Grin says no to the bomb but says that they're going to the surface. I'm not sure if he's going to disclose more information about their plans, but if they're not making a bomb, then what do they need things in the greenhouse for? If they were going to grow food, they would have taken tomatoes. I feel like they would build a bomb to sort of blast their way to the surface, but Grin seems to be rejecting this idea, leaving a mystery in its place.
I'm so excited that now there's some plot development going on! It leaves me wondering if Kerra will try to stop them, or try to come with, or if she will take action in some other way.
-Q
Yeah large amounts of fertilizer are very explosive and have been used in the past to create bombs as acts of terror
Strange you didn't know that, but I think it's otherwise fairly common knowledge, I hope?
And yeah that dialogue was totally off lol I must've edited the question and forgot to edit the answer haha
Thank you for all your excellent reviews <3
OH BOY HERE WE GO
Going to the surface, now there's a bit of plot! Overall, I think in the next draft you can combine this chapter with the previous one, but I really enjoy how nicely plotted this greenhouse arc is. You got them down there, gave us some beautiful visuals, and moved Kerra right out of the way for Shandi to get what she came for. And that last line we end on in this chapter is magnificent for moving us forward into the next. Lovely job!
One of the things I've been thinking on in these last few chapters, though, is that Kerra is quite passive for a protagonist. Passive protagonists are my biggest struggle in writing (why is it so hard to write characters who are in control??), but I think you have a couple of things going on here that might help you move toward an easy fix. Mostly, I didn't feel like Kerra was passive until Shandi came along, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Shandi takes up a room. She's tough and has a big personality, and it's important for us to see her as stronger than Kerra. But I bet there are ways you can make Kerra more active in these chapters they share. Let her make decisions, or dwell on her emotions, or think about how passive she can be in the face of Shandi's energy.
Ultimately, it's not as interesting to read about a passive character as it is to read about someone who makes decisions. Right now, a lot of this story seems to be happening to Kerra, rather than her taking an active part. I can feel opportunities for this to change coming up, which I'm excited to see play out! But just something to keep in mind as you continue to work on this draft.
Otherwise, another lovely chapter! I'm having so much fun reading this story, and I'll try my very best not to get so far behind again. <3 Thanks so much for sharing! Keep writing!
--Lauren
I was also worried about being too passive when I reflected on this chapter. I think in time though it will be balanced out by future events where Kerra is very much the agent. :]
It's SO HARD not to let strong characters like Shandi take over a scene. It is a positive reflection on Shandi, and just something to balance in future drafts and future scenes they have together. I'm excited to see Kerra take control