~1037 words
Numbers had a fistful of wires jammed into a tiny port in a service elevator panel. He'd said that the wires were connected to the elevator's mainframe, and he had rerouted them from the public controls to a small machine full of tiny buttons and switches that he held in his hand. It was rather strange for Kerra to see such a large man lying flat on the floor to access the panel, to see such large fingers be deftly manipulating such a delicate machine.
Angelface and Blast Boy were keeping watch out in the corridor. No Name was fixated on a screen, tapping and scrolling through official-looking pages of text. Shandi and The Grin were standing by, Shandi pushing back her cuticles, and The Grin just watching Numbers work. There were a couple minutes of tense silence, and Kerra felt like she was intruding on some kind of tradition.
But soon enough, Numbers muttered, "Got it," and Shandi waved Angelface and Blast Boy back into the elevator. It was rather tight, with seven people jockeying for space in an elevator created mainly for a few maintenance workers and maybe an android or two.
Kerra could feel it get hotter and hotter as the elevator descended. She was glad that Shandi hadn't let her change into her usual pants and trench coat. While Kerra felt exposed, she knew that the heat in that outfit would have been absolutely unbearable. She glanced at the person smushed directly against her, wondering if they were as affected by the heat as she was. It was No Name, who was wearing a rather thick jacket, and Kerra noticed a sheen of sweat on their temple.
When the elevator door slid open, they were all blasted by a wave of oven-hot air. The area was lit only dimly by bright, naked emergency bulbs. The Grin stepped cautiously out of the elevator and surveyed the area. He began to motion the "all clear" sign when he suddenly froze, his hand stretching into the "wait" signal.
Kerra's heart began to pound as she imagined what a factory overseer or mechanic might say to their presence. Would they tell the Council? Suddenly, a small, whirring noise caught her ear. Confused, Kerra waited to see what would happen as the Grin stood still as a statue. Suddenly, a short robot rolled into view. It was about three feet tall with triangular treads and a large optic sensor. It also clearly did not care that the Grin was there, as it rolled straight past him. He stayed frozen for another beat, and Kerra began to wonder if another one was coming. But when the whirring of the robot disappeared, he gave the "all clear."
One by one, everyone crept out of the elevator. When Kerra broke free of that sweaty prison, she looked all around to see uniform buildings that were long, squat, and made of glass. Some were brightly lit, some were dimly lit, and some weren't illuminated at all.
"According to the records," No Name said, pointing straight ahead, "The flower house is about ten buildings this way, and then right two buildings. Along the way there's a building that grows tomatoes and one that grows basil. There're others too, but most of them have their lights off right now for some reason."
Kerra smiled. "That sounds lovely." Angelface nodded a vigorous agreement.
"I've always liked basil," Numbers said thoughtfully.
As they slunk toward their destinations, Kerra felt like she was the loudest walker in the group. Even heavy Numbers somehow knew how to muffle every step he took. But while they kept to as many shadowed buildings as they could, they couldn't entirely avoid being painfully conspicuous at times. Thankfully, they didn't run into any humans, and all of the robots and androids seemed not to have a problem with their presence. Perhaps they hadn't been coded with any thought of intruders in the Heats.
They stopped by a dimly-lit greenhouse. "This is it," said No Name, checking the screen.
Shandi stepped up to the sliding glass door and examined it, eventually poking at a one-inch square piece of metal embedded into the floor. She stood back up and grinned. "Good thing I like to steal service droids. Otherwise we might never have been able to get in." She clicked open a cybernetic panel that was embedded into her arm.
Inside the small compartment, Kerra could see rows upon rows of tiny microchips. Shandi conjured a pair of tweezers, seemingly from nowhere, and tugged one of the chips out. The chip looked to be no thicker than a piece of cardstock, and it was small enough that Kerra could barely see it at all. Shandi hovered the chip above the square of metal and the door slid open with a whoosh.
The aroma hit Kerra stronger that the beautiful coolness did. It smelled sweet and peppery, minty and earthy all at once. And where the outside temperature in the Heats had likely been over 100F, inside the greenhouse, the air was conditioned to a perfect 75 degrees. And so green! All around here were beautiful leaves of the brightest green Kerra thought she’d ever seen. Well… no, there were plenty of green lights in the city that were bright enough to give you a headache. But this green felt real. It felt realer than Kerra felt herself. She looked down at her skin, glowing an unnatural blue in such a natural place and felt a wave of disgust.
“Hey,” Blast Boy said gently, disturbing her thoughts. “You should try one.”
Kerra looked up to find that everyone else had picked a leaf or two and was now nibbling on the basil. She smiled at Blast Boy and did the same. “This tastes so fresh! Do you think they treat it or spray it or something before they send it up to the stores?”
Angelface shrugged. “Probably. I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“Or…” Shandi said, drifting closer to Kerra, a whole stem of basil in her mouth, “It could be that the rush of the adventure is enhancing its taste!” She waggled her eyebrows and Kerra couldn’t help but laugh.
“Maybe you’re right, sister, maybe you’re right.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi, back for another chapter today.
First Impression: That looks like a pretty interesting system there with the androids not programmed to detect humans. Either that is a glaring oversight or no one else has ever dared to enter that area. I'm pretty sure it must be the former.
Anyway let's get to it,
Well this certainly creates quite an interesting image that's for sure.
When you put it that way though it sounds like it shouldn't be usable by that many people. Usually the elevator is limited not just by the space but also the weight it can carry so it's doubtful that an elevator can carry so many of them if it wasn't built for it.
Good description of the bot there. They certainly sounds quite interesting.
Well that's quite handy. (No pun intended)
Another nice description there.
Well I daresay it's probably a mix of both there.
Aaand that's it for another chapter.
Overall: It was a nice little breaking and entering scene although I am still not really seeing a plot develop out of this. Well...it develops further down I guess. The characters on the other hand are slowly developing although most of the gang besides Shandi are at the moment just sort of blurring together at the moment. And well that's it.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Fort-a-rino!
Shady back with another review for this fine night... morning? Eh, who cares at this point? I, clearly, did not fall asleep at the end of the last review, so let's go do another one, right? Getting started...
I really like that you go into describing the scent. It totally makes sense, given the scene, and really adds to the richness of your descriptions. I feel like people mostly focus on sight, with occasionally through in a sound here or there -- but you do a really good job of encapsulating the entire feel, complete with the scents and the physical sensations as well (such as the cool air) and I just love it. Very well done there!
~ ~ ~
I didn't have much to comment on in this chapter, obviously! I think this was quite good. The intrigue of breaking into a new place was nice, and I still think it's absolutely adorable about how giddy the gang is about having Kerra along for some of their mischief.
I also like this little escapade of theirs. It's such an innocent yet exhilarating adventure for Kerra to be on, and I'm so glad to see them enjoying themselves. It's, already, pretty clear that Kerra lives a pretty dull life and that Shandi is kinda angry at the world -- so it's a nice little scene to see them having (mostly) wholesome fun together.
I think that's all I've got for this chapter.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Part Five ->
Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it! This chapter is so tense. I know it's a very simple thing they're doing but everything is going far too well and I'm expecting danger to be lurking around any corner.
Fresh basil leaves are not tasty! Okay, maybe to these guys who haven't tasted much in the way of fresh food, but they tend to have a very, very strong flavour. I'm not entirely convinced it would be enjoyable.
I hadn't imagined fresh food being a common thing in this world. That's probably just a genre thing, I kind of associate high populations in sci-fi novels with poor food quality, especially in the lower economic areas. If these guys have access to fresh food from greenhouses it might be worth adding in a note to that beforehand just because of intertextual expectations within the sci-fi genre.
The thing I like most about this is the tension that's been created by something that's both sweet and reckless. I mean, they've broken the law and put themselves in danger so they could go and see what fresh herbs taste like. The comment by Numbers saying 'I've always liked basil' seems to bring them all down to earth and make them seem so incredibly human, I love the way you've done it. That image of him standing there and his voice in my head is so far one of my favourite moments.
That said, I can't help but feel like something is going to go terribly wrong here.
Part Six ->
Hey fortis!
This chapter felt a little bit shorter to me than your others, but maybe that's because there's not so much dialogue.
For the most part, I found it interesting that they went to such lengths to get into the greenhouses. I mean, they're a gang and apparently do sketchy things all the time, but if they actually had to hack into an elevator and work to avoid detection, wouldn't one of them have raised objections? After all, this was pretty much only for Kerra (and a little bit for Angel)--and I feel like she wouldn't have been happy that they went to all this trouble to break in just so that she could see the plants. It would be nice if she had a thought like that, but maybe it was swept away when they actually saw the plants.
Kerra in general just seems not to be freaking out as much as I would expect from her. She feels exposed, but not too worried about the criminal activity other than a little concern about being caught. It would be interesting to have her panicking a little bit, but then to let it go when she tastes the basil and realizes that the adventure might be worth it.
Also, I'm wondering why people can't go down there usually--would it be bad for the plants? It seems like something they should offer to the public. And why would the plants be so close to the Heats, where it's 100 degrees, if they actually need to be kept at much cooler temperatures?
I would've liked to see some more description of the androids, since they haven't been seen before (do they never go up to the 'surface'?). Do they have special tools for maintaining the crops? If they're there, why would there also need to be humans? Do the androids have the ability to speak, or are they designed specifically for their jobs? (Sorry that I'm hurling all these questions at you, by the way--you don't have to answer them all or anything, they're mostly just things I'd maybe like to see answered or woven in at some point.)
I love your story so far! Good job on keeping up with LMS.
-Q
Hello again!
Oh boy, the scene setting you're doing here is fabulous. I could perfectly picture this place with all the greenhouses and these seven kids shoved into a service elevator and everything else. I'm beyond envious of how you seem to be able to settle us into this heavy sci-fi world with all the perfect details, and don't ever seem to go overboard. It's a pleasure to read!
Only one note on setting: I think you could slow down the entrance to the greenhouse. This is something that Kerra has been looking forward to. Seeing the greenhouses, and exploring them with these people she considers her friends and family. That's a magnificent moment. Get everything you can out of it!
The main point I want to bring up about this chapter is that it seems like it could stand to be a fair bit longer. We end the chapter right about when we should be getting to the conflict. Not only does every story need conflict, but so does every chapter. It feels like we have the beginning to something here, and maybe a step into the middle, but there's more room here to explore and build a scene inside the greenhouses. Of course, this is a standard first draft thing and there's plenty of room to work on it in future drafts. But something to keep in mind!
I'm also not entirely sure what the plot of the novel is meant to be yet. I'm having a grand time in this world with these characters, don't get me wrong! But I haven't quite picked up on the greater story. I'm eager to get into it!
Otherwise, another lovely read. Thank you so much for sharing! I can't wait to get on to the next bit.
Keep writing!
--Lauren
The chapters are mostly "oh look I wrote a thousand words" so I wouldn't give too much weight to chapter breaks haha <3
xD totally fair! <3