Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
There once was a legend about this creepy house on the end of my street. It all starts with Milo Rushmore in the 30s I’m pretty sure. He had everything a guy could want back then. He had a beautiful wife, Korra Rushmore, who legitimately did everything he asked. And he had three beautiful daughters; Mary, Margaret, and Ruth. They were the picture of the perfect family until the money all dried up. He then went crazy and butchered his entire family out of insanity. It’s said that Captain Michaelson of the police force physically got sick and had to step outside. He is one of the most seasoned veterans, after 20 years on the force and what he saw in that house made his faith in humanity crumble with every gag. It’s said that when they went to clean it up there was so much blood that they had to have that area closed for more than a week. Evil. That’s all that I can say. Evil happened in that house…What happened? No one really knows. But they say that when a crime that is that grotesque, gruesome and inhumane happens it leaves a stain on the house itself. I’m here to tell you my experience with the manor. And I can say with 100 percent certainty that there is definitely something in that manor. I’m lucky I escaped but you may not. If you’re smart you’ll put this down and forget everything you’ve learned about Rushmore Manor.
I was young. And very stupid, very very stupid. I was riding bikes with Dicky and Jade and they chose me to ring the damn doorbell. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t be the laughing stock on Elderbee Street. So I went. I want to slap myself so hard for going. I get up to the door and immediately am greeted by bones…it looks like small bones, maybe a cat? I’m not sure. But I do my part and ring the doorbell and immediately proceed to tuck tail and run when I hear a “HELP ME! Will someone please help me?” Of course I knew it was just my imagination but I had to help whoever was inside. It sounded young. Oh goodness what if it was someone who rang the doorbell and was trapped inside. It was stupid yes, but I had to help.
I walk inside and am greeted by dark, eerie portraits of people who had better things to do than sit around and get painted. All of a sudden the door slams shut with a loud ccccccccrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaakkkkfollowed by a SLAM so loud it made my teeth vibrate. Then all of a sudden all the lanterns in the manor came on all at once and I had to suck in my breath. The pictures….oh god the pictures….they changed. Instead of the bored disinterested people these people were clearly dead. Bloated, pale, decomposing dead. “Help me! I’m lost! Someone please help I’m so scared. “ I follow the voice down the hallway and pass by a door. Inside it sounds like someone is sobbing. The door opens with a crrrreeeeeaaakkkk and I let myself inside to investigate.
There is someone on the bed covered in blankets, shaking with body sobs so horrible I feel the need to touch their shoulder to check on them. The figure turns around and lets loose a guttural scream that shatters the mirror behind me. And then they are suddenly gone before I could get a good look, but it seemed that it looked familiar. I am shook up something fierce but I need to keep going. They might be in trouble and, after what I just saw, no one deserves to be lost here.
I continue down the corridor and come across what appears to be the kitchen and investigate further. “Help! Someone! I’m over here!” It sounds like I’m getting closer and start to go through the kitchen. The fridge opens with a creak and I see 4 heads in the cooler. I scream so loud I thought my vocal cords would burst. They were all ages 5 to 52. It looked bloody and bad and gross in there with flies. I could definitely live without seeing that ever again.
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP THEY’RE ALMOST HERE! I proceed shakily into the hallway again and think I hear where the voice is coming from. I open the door to a room full of toys and musical instruments. There’s an eerie sound coming from an open music box. I go quickly and close it before anything can jump out and kill me. I know, probably silly but there were heads in the fridge. There are broken toys everywhere, a shattered glass doll, a broken open jack in the box, a phone with half of its buttons missing, broken jewelry, a shattered tea seat. What the hell happened? This was definitely a room that was loved and played in but not anymore.
I finally reach the door where the voice is coming from and for once I wish it was only heads in a fridge. What I saw shook me to my very core. It was indeed a child, but with the body of a spider knives in each of it’s 8 legs ready to pounce and kill me. "Thank goodness you found me, I was getting hungry. I already ate Momma, Poppa, Ruth and Margaret but I wasn’t full. It’s been years. Please stay for supper…"
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138,384 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Since you reviewed my story, I’d thought that I’d review yours. Now…THAT WAS SPOOKY. I loved it! The ending was unexpected, too. Mary killed her whole family? Why is Mary a monster? Could she be the spawn of Satan? Cursed? Is the narrator alive or are they a ghost? Either way, they’re trying to warn us about Rushmore Manor. Hopefully no else will get eaten by Mary…
I wish you a wonderful day/night.
Salutations, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. Let's dive into the world between these covers and see what secrets and wonders await us. 📚!
I'm here to leave you a review on this incredible piece. Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
I think that your descriptions were very vivid and your flow of the story was also genius. I think the names that you've chosen for the characters in your story are amazing, not to forget “Rushmore.” Cool. You have chosen a great title, because manors are usually portrayed in horror movies, I like that. The flow of the story was on point and I think that cliffhanger in the end was the best!
Areas to Improve:✒️
In the beginning you can divide this first chapter into two or three shorter paragraphs:
That way it is easy to read and more clear. I do think it is an amazing start! Your descriptions of the process and the whole backstory is wowsome.
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In this paragraph I think if you sorted it a bit it would be a whole lot clearer.
Before:
After:
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I think it would be better to separate the dialogue where the other person is calling “you” for help.
Before:
After:
Nailed It!💐
This ending is the perfect match for your story:
You absolutely Slayed it! I love the idea that the child is the “monster”, I am so in the mood for part two now. You did a great job! For me this ending is the perfect fit.
Overall Feelings:
You have managed a great start, your writing style also fits nicely along with your brilliant context. I love where this story is going, your vivid descriptions help bring your story to life along with some eeriness. I would definitely recommend writing a sequel to this story, because you have an amazing build up.
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
The Dark Truth E.1 written by @Rose
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉