One late autumn evening, long ago, a young girl was camping with her parents and siblings on a mountain. The mountain was beautiful in the daytime, the sun shining off its granite rocks in the early mornings. When it rained, the forest atop the mountain gained an eerily silent mist throughout its trees.
The girl was eleven and she had gone to bed with everyone else in her family but could not sleep, for there was a storm outside the cabin that was bothering her. It made the hairs on her neck stand up which caused her inability to sleep at that moment. She decided to go outside and see how bad the storm was. Opening the door, she stepped out into the rain, then shut it quietly behind her. Walking out into the darkness a few feet, letting the rain roll down her arms, the child realized that the storm was not going to stop anytime soon. She turned around to return to the cabin, but found that it was gone.
The girl screamed, horrified. Thats impossible, she thought. She ran in circles where the campsite used to be. She tried to find her family, but the falling droplets of water blinded her. Everything was gone--the cabin, the horses, the fire pit--everything. The girl became numb with fear and disbelief. She shook her dripping wet head, knowing this must all be a dream. Then she turned towards the forest and ran down the mountain in hopes of finding her parents. The cold seemed to hug her, envelope her and squeeze her limbs and lungs. Soon, it became hard for her to breath, her adrenaline slowing down as she fell into a state of shock.
The next morning, the child's family woke to an empty bed. They searched around the cabin, and around the campsite, which was in the exact spot it had been the night before. When the family could not find the girl, they became afraid. They began to search the whole mountain, even called in a rescue team to help them search. By this time, the rain had ceased and the morning sun was out. The family had planned to go hiking that morning, but those hopes were demolished. After several hours of searching, the father of the girl made a horrific discovery.
His daughter had frozen to death in the dark of the night. Her small body was curled up under a large oak tree, her face was white as ice, and her lips blue and frozen together. Her hair was straight, with tiny icicles hanging from each thin strand. Her eyes were open, and the father could see several tears frozen to her cheeks. He cried and fell to his knees, holding the frozen body in his lap. He rocked back and forth, tears leaving the sanctuary of his eyes, and falling on the unmoving torso of his daughter. He attempted to shut her eyes to let her rest in peace, but her eyelids were frozen open.
The family was devastated.
They returned to their home and not one soul was at rest that night, no one could sleep. The dead child's mother was particularly upset, and was in shock at losing her first born daughter. The mother walked downstairs form her now freezing bedroom and sat on the couch by the fireplace, pulling a blanket up to her chin. All the memories she had of her daughter floated in her mind, now like dreams. It was as if they sat on the outskirts of her mind, then, as she would try to remember her daughter, the memories would float out of reach once more. It made her cry, it made tears roll out of her eyes.
Suddenly, she heard a wheezing sound behind her.
She turned, and to her horror, there stood her daughter, soaking wet and dripping on the carpet. The girls face was pale, and her eyes were inky black. Her hair was soaking wet and shining shards of ice clung to every strand. Several tears were frozen to her face, they did not move, even with the fire flinging warmth into the room. The girl stood in the room, her hands by her side, shaking violently. Her mother was horrified and tried to scream, though found her voice was gone.
“I'm cold,” the girl said, her voice scratchy and slurred. Then, she took on a transparent blue haze around her body. The girl shivered. The mothers eyes were wide, if they became any more wide, they would break open and ooze blood down her cheeks.
“I'm cold. I'm scared. Mommy, hug me. I'm so cold,” the daughter said slowly, whispering. Then, she faded before her mother's terrified eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Spooky, I really like it.
i'm glad I got the chance to read it.
a few minor things to fix but other than that a wonderful peice
Love,
Zoe Renee Smith
Hello again, Emmy. As always, my comments will be in pinkish font. I will strike through unnecessary words, and if you read through this again, you will notice missing punctuations which I already omitted from your manuscript.
This was awesome! Can I use this to scare my cousins? Haha! Kidding. I just found a few nitpicks which I have highlighted pink above. Are you entering the Oct contest? Cool. This story will scare socks off children. =P Haha! You have a shot here. Just add a bit more details there, like what the mountain looked like or so. =) Anyhow, enjoyed reading it. LOL Hope I've helped.
~~ Jash ♥
Hi!
Add this apostrophe.
T to t. No need to capitalize.
Again, apostrophe.
Those were the only two nitpicks I found. Story wise, this is fairly good, but I think it could be improved upon. Like, when the girl couldn't find the cabin. Make it more emotional. Put us in their shoes. Like, after "So, she turned around to return to the cabin, but found that it was gone. Everything was gone, the cabin, the horses, the fire pit, everything," do something like "She screamed, then frantically tried to find it, tried to search, but it was all lost in a haze of falling water, blinding her, freezing her, numbing her limbs, stiffening her fingers. As she ran across the drenched forest floor, her circulation slowed and she couldn't take enough breathes. Soon, she couldn't take any."
I'm not saying you have to word it exactly like that, but bring us along side her, make us feel her fear, make us feel her suffering. Also, at parts like where the dad found her body. Maybe describe that, describe what she looked like, how he felt. Don't terrify your characters, terrify us.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
I don't think it needed a moral, it was for the scary stories contest. Good job, didn't see any problems
Hi there,
Firstly I want to say that I love this type of piece, this sort of quasi-folk-tale style. You've got a great rhythm in your prose - one of my favorite things to see - and yet you manage to vary your sentence length. Over all I really liked this piece, but one thing I didn't understand was the Point.
Quasi-folk-tales like this need a moral, or at least a point where you see through the parable and into the true human quality beyond. You seem like a good enough writer to really do well with inserting some sort of comfortable ending into the story. At first I was weirded out by the house disappearing, but we're writers, we can make anything go; make this work. What does it mean? In stories like this, you've gotta understand exactly what you're saying in every sentence. Why did the house disappear if she was really just freezing to death? I'd love to see you spruce this up a bit, because I love your style and you seem to be one of the better writers on this site. Please PM me if you end up editing this.
-Aussie