INT. DULLY LIT CHILDS ROOM – NIGHT TIME
A young couple hurriedly dresses their sleeping baby girl. They both wear long purple robes adorned with golden bells. They are rich.
MOTHER
Hurry!
Holding the child tightly, the MOTHER watches the tall door in fear as her husband opens a bright green portal to a human hospital. The MOTHER lays the black-haired child on the floor of the hospital as it begins to WAIL. The couple is crying when the husband closes the portal. The husband holds his wife as a group of soldiers break open the door and take the couple away once they are drugged and fall asleep.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER FIELD – AFTERNOON
A game of soccer is being played. A crowd sits in several stands and CHEERS on the players. Home in on ADINA as she steals the ball from a player on the opposing team and kicks it into the net closest her, scoring the last point and winning the game. Her team mates crowd around her and congratulate her. Then they head inside the high school into the girls locker room. ADINA heads to her locker.
MARIANNE
(Patting ADINA on the back)
We totally beat their asses! Did
you see that girls face when you
scored that last point? Oh, man,
ADINA! We SO beat them!
ADINA
MARIANNE, please. Our team always
wins, it shouldn't come as a surprise
to you that we do.
MARIANNE
Oh my God! Did you see Mike in the
stands? He is SO adorable!
ADINA
Yeah, sure. He is my brother, MARIANNE.
Would you stop talking about him like
that? It's kind of awkward.
MARIANNE
You are just jealous that girls
circle him like vultures.
ADINA
(Sarcastically)
Yeah, and absolutely no guys circle
me like vultures.
MARIANNE
Okay, I get your point!
ADINA smirks playfully at MARIANNE as they finish changing and walk out of the crowded locker room. They head to their ninth period classes on the fourth floor of the school.
EXT. FRONT LAWN OF A LARGE BRICK HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
ADINA gets out of HELEN's Volvo and heads around the car towards the open trunk. Lifting several groceries out of it, she heads inside the large house.
From behind ADINA.
HELEN
ADINA! I swear, if you don't come
here right now and get your duffel
bag out of my car, you will be grounded
forever!
ADINA
(dramatically sighing)
Mom, come on. You can't ground me
forever.
HELEN
Oh, yeah? You wanna bet?
ADINA
Yep. I sure do.
HELEN laughs as ADINA retrieves her duffel bag and disappears inside the house.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT TIME
ADINA is washing the dishes in the sink as her older brother Mike dries them.
ADINA
MARIANNE really likes you, Mike.
You got another vulture eying you,
what're you gonna do 'bout it?
MIKE
MARIANNE? She likes me? Well, I'll
add her onto my list.
ADINA
(Frowning)
Your list? What list?
MIKE
The list I made of girls that I
need to date.
ADINA
You mean of girls who like you?!
MIKE
Yep.
MIKE grins at ADINA and she realizes he is joking with her.
ADINA
Ugh, I can't stand you!
ADINA flicks MIKE with some water from the sink. He laughs and flicks some back at her. HELEN walks into the kitchen behind MIKE and ADINA accidentally splashes her. The laughing stops.
HELEN
So thats how it is, huh?
HELEN dips her hand into the sink and splashes both of them as they all hear a car pull into the driveway. HELEN goes rigid and MIKE freezes. ADINA yelps and leaves the kitchen. She runs outside into the arms of JAMES, her Father. JAMES hugs ADINA back.
JAMES
Hey, baby. How you doing?
ADINA
I'm doing good. Guess what?
JAMES
(Grabbing his suitcase from his car)
What?
ADINA
We won the game today!
JAMES
Against the Butlers?
ADINA
Yep. And I scored the winning
point.
JAMES
Really? That's so cool. You are
my little girl, aren't you?
ADINA
Yes, sir! Yes I am.
JAMES
You wanna know something?
ADINA
Sure.
JAMES
I had a feeling you would become
a soccer legend. Just like I did,
you little rascal.
JAMES ruffles ADINA's hair as they head inside. MIKE greets JAMES at the door with a cold handshake. MIKE is not happy to see JAMES. Nor is HELEN. HELEN ignores JAMES as he walks into the living room where she is sitting. The room grows tense and ADINA realizes that JAMES and HELEN have grown apart. A sense of dread washes over her. She claps her hand to try and lighten the mood.
ADINA
Game anyone?
Everyone looks ADINA for a moment. HELEN leaves the room and goes upstairs to her room and JAMES then heads to his study. ADINA flinches when she hears both doors slam shut. She feels tears threaten to leave her eyes. Then she feels MIKE's hand on her shoulder.
MIKE
I know it's hard for you, sister.
I know how you feel.
ADINA
No, MIKE, no you don't know how I
feel. You hate Dad just as much as Mom
does and I don't know why! I just
don't know and it's killing me!
MIKE
Dad just isn't who he...once was.
He and Mom just aren't in love
anymore. He has changed.
ADINA
No, he hasn't! He still loves us,
MIKE! Why can't you and Mom see that?
He is still the man he was. Sure,
he isn't as energetic or happy as he
was a couple months ago, but he still
loves us!
MIKE
No, ADINA, he loves you. He
acts the same way towards you
because he doesn't want to lose you.
But he doesn't love Mom. And he
doesn't love me.
ADINA
Thats a lie! He loves all of us,
we are still a family!
MIKE
You don't understand, ADINA. There
is no more us. No more family.
ADINA slaps her brothers hand away from her shoulder and spins to face him. She is crying.
ADINA
I hate you! I hate you and Mom and
Dad!
She screams that so loud that it vibrates through the house.
ADINA
None of you even try to get along!
None of you even try!
ADINA pushes past MIKE and runs upstairs to her room in tears.
INT. ADINA'S ROOM – NIGHT TIME
ADINA is sleeping as wind WHISTLES through her open window. Then we hone in on ADINA's face and get pulled into her dream.
A tall brown haired boy is standing in a meadow. A forest surrounds the meadow. A group of horsemen appear from out of the forest and they ride up to the tall boy. One of the horsemen wears a golden circlet on his head and he wears a strange cloak of living shadows. He circles the boy as a tear falls down his pale cheek. Go, he says to the boy with a strong voice, go find my daughter in that human world.
ADINA awakens from sound of the wind through her open window and she gets up from her bed. Closing the window, she climbs back into bed and falls asleep again.
FADE TO:
INT. ADINA'S HOMEROOM – MORNING
ADINA sits silently at her desk, playing with her hair. She is remembering the fight from the night before so she never hears the teacher ask her a question.
MS.WHITE
ADINA!
ADINA
(snaps to attention)
Yes, Ms?
MS.WHITE
Please explain Darwin's theory of
survival of the fittest.
ADINA
Survival of the fittest means whatever
has evolved the best to a certain
environment will be the most likely to
survive there.
MS.WHITE
Thank you. Now...
ADINA loses focus again as the teacher drones on about Darwin.
INT. LUNCHROOM – AFTERNOON
ADINA sits with MARIANNE at an unused lunch table. They eat quietly.
MAIRANNE
Another fight?
ADINA glances over at MARIANNE and nods slightly.
MARIANNE
Well...
ADINA
I think they are going to split up.
MARIANNE
Your parents?
ADINA
(bitterly)
Yeah. My parents.
MARIANNE
I hope they don't.
ADINA chuckles.
ADINA
Yeah, me too MARIANNE. Me too.
Silence fills the space between them for a moment. The lunchroom is loud, people SCREAM and LAUGH and YELL all around the two friends.
MARIANNE
You know that guy has been staring
at you since lunch started?
ADINA
I am not surprised.
MARIANNE
No, like, I've never seen him
before.
ADINA turns and sees the tall brown-haired guy looking at her from three tables away. She frowns and gasps, suddenly remembering him from her dream the night before. She begins to shake violently as she turns back to MARIANNE.
ADINA
We need to leave.
MARIANNE
But I'm not done.
ADINA
Just come on!
ADINA pulls MARIANNE towards the big door to the lunchroom and they slip out of it. With a quick glance over her shoulder, ADINA sees the guy following them. She runs with MARIANNE down the hall and to the left, entering the gym. They run across the gym to the girls locker rooms and find the room locked. MARIANNE stops ADINA as she tries to open the doors to outside.
MARIANNE
What is up with you?
ADINA
Please just trust me.
MARIANNE
Tell me what is wrong.
ADINA
(Eying the door)
You'll think I'm crazy.
MARIANNE
Try me.
ADINA
(Taking a deep breath)
That guy in the lunchroom? I
dreamed about him last night. Thing
is, I've never met him before.
MARIANNE
Stop fucking with me, ADINA. I
know you are stressed about your
parents, but really? How much attention
do you really need?
ADINA
I'm telling you the truth!
MARIANNE
Piss off.
MARIANNE turns and leaves the gym right as the tall guy walks up to the door. MARIANNE gestures to ADINA after the guy asks her a question, then she stalks away. The tall guy walks slowly towards ADINA. ADINA backs away from him. He cocks his head at her.
TALL GUY
ADINA COLEMAN, correct?
ADINA nods slightly and feels faint.
ADINA
Who are you?
TALL GUY
(Bowing)
My name is Gabriel. How do you
do?
ADINA
(hesitantly)
I'm fine. Are you real? Your not,
like, a hallucination or something?
GABRIEL
I feel pretty real. Why?
ADINA gazes at GABRIEL and watches his thin, slender frame and milky caramel tan eyes. She is strangely entranced by him.
ADINA
I could have sworn I dreamed of
you last night.
GABRIEL
(a sly grin playing upon his lips)
Well that is pretty much
impossible. I've never seen you
in my life. I'm new here.
ADINA
Yeah. Impossible.
GABRIEL
I was looking for you because the
secretary told me you would
show me around the school.
Will you?
ADINA stares at GABRIEL for another minute then ever so slowly nods her head. GABRIEL smiles as they head out of the gym as the first bell rings. ADINA leads GABRIEL down the hall through the swarm of TALKING kids.
GABRIEL
So how long have you been
going to school here?
ADINA
You mean in San Fransisco?
GABRIEL nods.
ADINA
All my life, actually. Never lived
anywhere else.
GABRIEL
And your parents?
ADINA tenses up and spins to face GABRIEL.
ADINA
What about them?
GABRIEL
Didn't mean no harm, jeez ADINA,
just a question!
ADINA
Well, they are like every other
couple in the area. And you? Why
did you move here?
GABRIEL
My Mom and Dad are dead. I
live with my aunt and uncle and
my aunt just got a new job here,
so we all moved.
ADINA
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize...
GABRIEL waves off ADINA's apology.
GABRIEL
It happened so long ago, I
don't even remember them.
ADINA
(Biting her lip)
Oh. Okay. Well, this is the library,
and this is the band room...
ADINA puts her hair behind her ear as she shows GABRIEL the library and the band room. Then they head upstairs.
FADE TO:
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON
ADINA sits on the stairs outside of the school waiting for her dad to pick her up. After all the buses leave, ADINA is all alone, the school like a graveyard with its SILENCE. ADINA jumps when she hears a voice behind her.
HAROLD
Look who it is.
ADINA
Leave me alone, HAROLD.
HAROLD and his three friends, CALEB, DEVON, and ZIL grin devilishly. HAROLD sits down next to ADINA and his three friends stand behind her. ADINA feels trapped and scared, but she is courageous. She scoots away from HAROLD when he sits next to her.
HAROLD
Aw, don't be like that sweetie.
ADINA
Don't call me that!
HAROLD smiles at her innocently.
HAROLD
Why, baby?
He reaches out and grabs ADINA's chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. ADINA glares at HAROLD.
HAROLD
You see, I need to finish with
you what I started with your brother.
ADINA
Get off of me, you asshole!
HAROLD slaps ADINA on the cheek, enraged. He stands, towering over ADINA threateningly.
HAROLD
I see I must teach you the same
lesson that your brother refused to be
taught.
ADINA
(coldly)
What lesson is that?
HAROLD
That I deserve respect.
HAROLD snarls like a dog then grabs for ADINA. He catches her by the arm and drags her to her feet. ADINA fights viciously, scratching HAROLD with her nails. Then, HAROLD's friends join in to help HAROLD. DEVON grabs ADINA's hand and she leans over and bites him on the arm. He yelps and lets go. ZIL takes ADINA's head in his arms and holds her steady so she cannot bite anymore. ADINA is scared, she begins to hyperventilate. Suddenly, as HAROLD leans back to punch ADINA, a tiny sphere of bright yellow fire appears in her hand. ADINA screams, scared of the tiny thing, though instinctively thrusts her hand onto HAROLD's face. He screams and falls to the ground, holding his smoking face. ZIL lets go of ADINA and drops to HAROLD's side.
ZIL
Oh man, oh man! Man, what happened to
you? What did she do to you? Oh, man.
DEVON
You witch!
ADINA is shaking at what she has just done. Shaking from fear and adrenaline. She lifts her hand and finds it back to normal. No little ball of fire, no burns or cuts. She is speechless.
CALEB
Get away from him! Get away you
freak!
ADINA shakes her head and turns to run away. She doesn't stop running until she reaches the park several blocks away. ADINA is crying, she curls up inside the tunnel slide of a playground and rocks back and forth. Shakily, she picks up her cell phone and calls her dad to let him know where she is.
ADINA
What was that? Am I a killer? Did
I kill him? What was that ball of
light? I truly am a freak.
ADINA holds her palm up and stares at it. She frowns, feeling the strange sensation of electricity coursing from her heart through her arm and to her palm. Then a tiny spark ignited and a small flame was born in her hand. ADINA lifted the other arm and found both palms could produce the fire. It was amazing, beautiful and when she touched it, not warm at all. It felt like water to her. She felt entranced, then closed her palm as she thought about what it may be.
ADINA
What if it's some kind of super power?
That would be so totally...
JAMES
Honey?
ADINA
(taken by surprise)
Oh, hi dad.
JAMES
Are you ready to leave?
ADINA
Um, yeah, totally.
JAMES and ADINA make their way to the car, a dark green jeep. JAMES starts it up as ADINA climbs in and throws her book bag into the backseat. She stared out of the window while they pull out of the park parking lot.
JAMES
So, why were you inside a slide?
ADINA
What? Oh. Because...they comfort
me.
JAMES
Really?
ADINA
Yeah, the soft glow from the color of
the slide with sun on it is calming to
my nerves.
JAMES
Let me ask you this. Why did you need
to calm your nerves?
ADINA becomes silent for a moment.
ADINA
I've had a long day.
JAMES
Oh, well...where do you want to go?
ADINA
Could we just go home?
JAMES
(looking hurt)
But we are supposed to...
ADINA
I know. Father-daughter bonding
time. But really, how likely is it
that you and Mom will stay
together anyways? Either you or her
is going to leave one of these days.
JAMES
ADINA, please understand.
ADINA
(angry)
Oh, don't worry, Dad. I understand
just fine.
JAMES
Baby, you'll always be my little
princess, okay? My little prodigy.
ADINA
Dad, give it a rest. I'm not anything
like you, except for our love of
soccer. And to tell you the darn old
truth, I don't want to be anything
like you.
JAMES is stunned into silence. They drive for a few minutes without talking.
ADINA
Sorry, Dad. I just feel really
stressed.
JAMES
It's okay.
He reaches over and lays his hand on ADINA's shoulder.
JAMES
It's okay.
They pull into the driveway and head inside the house. HELEN is there, cooking dinner in the kitchen. JAMES and HELEN do not speak to each other. JAMES kisses ADINA on the forehead before he heads to his study and shuts the door. ADINA enters the kitchen. HELEN is cutting carrots on the island in the middle of the room.
HELEN
Good afternoon honey. Anything
interesting happen in school
today?
ADINA chuckles to herself.
ADINA
Do you need any help, Mom?
HELEN
Okay...um, why don't you get out the
lettuce and make a salad for me? You can
add these carrots when I'm done.
ADINA
Anything for you, Mom.
HELEN
Aw, thanks honey. You are a big
help.
ADINA retrieves the lettuce and begins to create a salad.
ADINA
Wheres MIKE?
HELEN
He's out with Vickie.
ADINA
His girlfriend, I presume?
HELEN
(Laughing)
Of course, who else?
ADINA
How many does this make it? He
can just never seem to choose a
girl.
HELEN
I think it's like, his sixth.
ADINA
His sixth in what, three years?
Yeah. Are you sure you're okay
with that?
HELEN
I am perfectly fine with it.
He can go out with anyone he wants,
as long as he know the dangers of
sex.
ADINA
Mom, please, you know MIKE. He
would never have sex with a girl
unless she was the one.
HELEN
You're probably right, but still.
HELEN and ADINA laugh as they make dinner together. ADINA finishes the salad as HELEN checks the chicken in the oven. HELEN is bent over the open oven for a few minutes, trying to get the temperature of the chicken. ADINA sits on a kitchen stool and plays with a paper clip that was left on the table.
ADINA
I met a guy today.
HELEN freezes, slowly closing the oven and turning to ADINA with a smile.
HELEN
Oh, yeah?
ADINA
Yeah. His name is GABRIEL.
HELEN
GABRIEL? Well, my my, honey. You
have a good taste in names, thats
for sure.
ADINA
Mom. Stop.
HELEN grins at ADINA then turns and shuts the oven door. Then she sits down next to ADINA.
HELEN
Tell me about him.
ADINA
Well, he has shoulder length brown
hair, and caramel colored eyes. His
form is slender and he is pretty tall.
He is new to school, new to San
Fransisco in fact. His parents died a
while ago and he moved here with
his aunt and uncle. And weirdly, he
has every class I do.
HELEN
GABRIEL sounds...interesting.
ADINA
He is interesting.
They stay quiet for a moment and the air between them grows a little awkward.
ADINA
Do you hate Dad?
HELEN
I don't...no...I just...
ADINA
(taking her Moms hand)
I have a feeling, and it's killing me,
that either you or Dad are going to
leave me soon.
HELEN
I...
ADINA
I don't want you to. I don't want to
lose either one of you. I can't lose
either of you.
HELEN
Listen, ADINA, sometimes people just
don't love each other any more. And
at those times, staying near each other,
especially when you have two kids,
is very, very stressful and hurtful.
I don't know which of us is going to
break first and leave, but I hate to say,
one of us is going to. If not now, then
sometime soon in the future.
ADINA
But Mom...
HELEN
I'm sorry. This is probably not the best
time to do this, but I need to go
talk to your Dad.
HELEN gets up from her stool and heads for JAMES's study.
ADINA
Mom?
HELEN
Yeah?
ADINA
I love you.
HELEN freezes just outside the door to JAMES's study. She looks over her shoulder at ADINA.
HELEN
I love you too, baby.
ADINA flinches when HELEN opens the door to JAMES's study and walks in, closing the door behind her. For several seconds no noise infiltrates ADINA's ears. Then the screaming starts.
HELEN
Have you been hearing nothing I'm
saying? You can't leave them!
JAMES
Who are you to stop me? I don't love
you.
HELEN
But you love ADINA!
JAMES
Not enough to put up with you or
MIKE any longer!
A rustling behind the door makes ADINA begin to silently cry. She cannot believe what is happening.
JAMES
Goodbye. For good.
The door is pulled open and JAMES stands in the doorway. He stops cold when he sees ADINA crying in front of him. There is a messy suitcase in his hand. ADINA looks at him, biting her lip as tears roll down her cheeks. She starts to shake her head and JAMES just stares at her.
ADINA
Please don't go.
JAMES
I'm sorry, ADINA. I really am.
ADINA
If you are truly sorry, you
would stay!
JAMES
You know I can't do that.
ADINA
Why!
JAMES lowers his head and walks towards the front door. He pulls it open and heads towards his car as ADINA flies off of the stool and runs after him. ADINA puts her hands against the closed window of the drivers seat. She is crying hysterically.
ADINA
Daddy!
HELEN comes running out after ADINA as JAMES pulls out of the driveway. He accelerates down the street and ADINA runs after his car. HELEN follows ADINA. Once the car is out of sight, ADINA falls to her knees on the sidewalk. She puts her head in her hands and rocks back and forth. Then HELEN falls to her knees beside ADINA and throws her arms around her daughter. HELEN holds ADINA as she cries.
INT. SCHOOL GYM – MORNING
ADINA is sitting by herself on the windowsill. She is staring outside and wishing her Dad to come back, for his jeep to turn the corner. But it never does. GABRIEL notices ADINA and heads over towards her.
GABRIEL
Whats wrong?
ADINA ignores him and keeps staring outside.
GABRIEL
Please tell me.
ADINA
My Dad is gone.
GABRIEL
You mean...
ADINA
He left me. He left my Mom.
GABRIEL
Oh, my god. I...is there anything I
can do?
ADINA
(voice cracking)
Bring him back.
GABRIEL
I can't do that.
ADINA stays silent again.
GABRIEL
I wish I could. I would bring
him back for you. I really would.
ADINA
I never thought he actually would
leave.
GABRIEL
But he did. From my own experiences,
just try to forget him. It works
the best.
ADINA
I don't want to forget him, I want
him back!
GABRIEL sits down next to ADINA and half hugs her.
GABRIEL
I know, I felt the same way when
mine died.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hello, I am back for part of my review!
This scene was very predictable. A lot of characters could find themselves in this situation, and react the same way. I would suggest trying to find a more unique situation that only Adina could find herself in. (Ex: Adina enters a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament, and beats Harold through encyclopedic knowledge of the cards, then, when she goes to congratulate him on a good game, he attacks her.) This is probably NOT where you want your character to go, but it shows us that Adina is not afraid to be a nerd, is dedicated to her cards, and is a good sport.
Zil is my favourite character so far, because I can picture him exactly
This is a great example of writing an emotional scene without writing anything that is unplayable by an actor. All of this can be visualized, and is only physical description, but gets across the character's feelings very well!
Be careful to stick to the present tense.
This is a great line! Try to include more lines like this, that might only be said by a few different people. This tells us quite a bit about your character, so try and get more lines like this into the first couple of scenes.
Make sure that bits like this are broken up into locations. The main reason for having proper scene headings is for the crew, so that they can tell by skimming through the script, exactly what locations that you need to film at. If you send this script into any kind of writing contest or to a studio that accepts unsolicited submissions, the readers there are going to be looking for things like this.
Here is an example of how I would break this bit up:
This is not quite enough information to get across to the audience what is going on. I know how you feel, because I cheat a lot in this respect as well Instead of concentrating on her thoughts, try and make her outer self reflect those thoughts. (Ex: ADINA sits by herself on the windowsill. She stares out at the street, melancholy. Every time a car passes she flinches - could it be her Dad's car? Car after car passes, and with each one she is more disappointed.)
OVERALL:
I think that something that you should definitely try to work on with this script is the pace - this part of the script is around 25 pages long, and nothing has really happened! Try and find ways of making this bit flow faster - cutting stuff, adding interesting details, showing us more of the "other world".
In this part, I start to get a better sense of who your characters are, but if this was on TV you have about 30 seconds to convince the audience member not to change the channel, and if you're sending it in to an unsolicited scripts program, the reader will read a maximum of 10 pages unless something in your writing REALLY makes them want to read on. I would suggest brainstorming some crazy ideas for the first few scenes, that are very original, and give us lots of info about the characters right away.
I hope you continue to post this script, as I would love to keep reading
- Nephthys.
Hi, I'm Nephthys, and I am very excited to review your script today
First of all, I would suggest leaving details such as "dully lit" (is that even a word?) for the "action" part of the script, rather than in the scene heading.
Great choice to start off with a "paranormal" scene - this way you've hooked your readers early, because now they want to find out what happens next. Unfortunately, this particular scene - the magical parents being forced to give up their child - is used quite a bit, so maybe you could find a different opening for the script.
Another thing that I'll get out of the way right now is formatting. It looks as if you know how to format a film script properly on paper, but it would help us as readers if you could try to format it a bit better online. For example, I would suggest underlining your scene headings, centering your dialogue, and bolding the characters' names. This just makes it easier to read
I see that you have some sections below where you put the character's name in all caps during the action. I would suggest only doing this the first time that you mention the character in each scene. I would also suggest that you refer to the characters by the same name every time- "MOTHER and FATHER" instead of "couple". That way, when you refer to them individually later, we are sure that they are the same people. I would count BABY GIRL as a caps-worthy character as well.
I don't see anything wrong with including details, such as that the characters are rich, but I wonder if you could find a better way of working it in to the directions. (Ex: They wear luxurious long purple robes...), rather than tagging on a whole extra sentence at the end.
Again I find it interesting which things you choose to put in caps. I have read scripts that put characters AND important words such as "CHEERS" in caps, but most scripts just put characters (including things like "CROWD").
Also, while a reader might get that Adina is "scoring the last point and winning the game," you need to write about how the audience is going to know that. Ex: Have one of the spectators comment on how the game is tied, and then have the ref blow the whistle as soon as she scores (etc).
Also, I would not suggest putting a character's name in caps when another person is talking about them, because it could confuse your reader. (I thought Adina said "We SO beat them!" at first)
I find that because screenplays have to move so fast, you really have to work to get the dialogue as concise as possible. While this piece of dialogue might be closer to real life, the second half is redundant. In a screenplay, every word of dialogue should either 1) Tell us something new, or 2) Develop characters. If Adina is the kind of person who is often redundant, the line could work, otherwise I would suggest cutting it.
This is another example of information that works in a novel, but not in a screenplay. Unless it is later very important that they are specifically headed to their ninth period classes, I would just say "they head to class".
How will the audience know what Adina is realizing?And we certainly have no way of knowing that a sense of dread is washing over her!
I would suggest making the dream sequence a little clearer. I usually start a new heading like
ADINA'S DREAM.
I think that you just need something to draw more attention to it so that your reader doesn't miss anything.
Even though this is a dream sequence, this should still be written how you would normally write dialogue in a script.
Fun fact - Darwin never actually said that. He said "propagation of the species", and many years later on one of his friends coined the term "survival of the fittest". (Sorry, I'm a loser and I couldn't resist!)
How is the lunch table unused if they are using it?
I would suggest seriously considering the swear word here, as it elevates the script to like a "14A" rating, which means that you lose a whole bunch of viewers. I would suggesting "screwing" or "messing" instead. Also, if you choose to keep it in, this script should be given at least a "16+" YWS rating!!!!
Too many words for a screenplay! "grinning" or "grinning slyly" is more than enough info.
Okay, I'm going to stop here for now, as this is WAY too long to review all at once! I am super impressed with how long this is! You have obviously spent a lot of time on this, and I personally only ever get to about page 10 and then get distracted by another project.
OVERALL:
1) The pace is a little slow. While I feel like there are interesting places that this script is going to go, it needs to go there sooner. You can cut down this beginning part quite a bit, and still get all the info out that you need.
2) I don't know your characters.
3) Read some professional scripts! I know that when you haven't done a lot of screenplay writing, it seems ridiculous how people are always telling you to cut things down and that right now, the task might seem impossible. I would suggest reading as many professional film and TV scripts as you can, so you can get a feel for the pacing, style and other fun techniques that professional writers use. A favourite site of mine for reading scripts is http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insigh ... hive.shtml , but there are tons of sites out there!
4) Make sure that you are only writing details that can be displayed through costumes/ set or conveyed by an actor. (Ex: The audience won't be able to tell that "Reginald looks sad, because he is thinking of his pet bunny that died when he was ten.", they will only be able to tell that he looks sad.) Try to find other ways of getting the details across (Ex: Reginald stares sadly at a picture of his bunny")
Hope this helps, can't wait to read the rest!
My goodness that was long!! Ok, I'll admit that I don't know that much about scrolls but I can try to help. It's always good to get an outside opinion, anyway.
In a script of any sort you don't have to explain what they are. They way you describe them and they way they speak should tell the actor or watcher if they are rich or not, not your words. Another example of this issue is here.1.) Here's my thing with every script I review. Charecter list. Telling who's in the play and summarizing who they are. For example in your script a small example would look like this:
ADINA: Daughter to HELEN and JAMES. Sister of MIKE.
Do you get my drift? It just makes things a lot easier for the reader and actor when things are laid out like that.
2.)
When Adina doesn't reply to her teacher immediatley, we will infer what she is thinking about. It's not really necessary to tell the charecters thoughts in a script, since people will be acting it.
3.) A great since of confusion for my simple mind is when you did things like this:
This is confusing because I'm not really sure who's talking at first. You either need to lowercase the name when they are being spoken to or bold the name when a person is speaking, to make things clearer.
4.)
This bothers me. Why do you need to capitalize when things are happening? I may be wrong, but I've never seen them capped in any other (In actual school) scripts.
That's all I can find! Thanks for the read!
Great script! Is there a sequel to this? the plot is very interesting, a mix of supernatural and normal everyday family problems.
No mistakes, though I think you should put a colon behind the name of the person who's talking. That way the script wont be as confusing. It's great though!