I Think I'm Dead

Oooh, interesting. I've been reading a lot about death on YWS lately, it's kind of concerning. This one is quite interesting, and overall, I liked it.

The format and flow was great, I had not uncomfortable hitches as I read it. You have a good control over the pace and the length, too. The thing that I noticed however is how many times you said she was dead. It's a pretty obvious point, you don't need to restate it, it begins to lose its effect. However, it wasn't that big a problem.

The other thing that I noticed was you never mentioned how she died, how was the train unsafe? Was there a shooting? It said her body would pull up at the station, so I would assume the train didn't crash. It's an interesting point, as the boyfriend said it was safe, so I am naturally intrigued into why it wasn't.

Overall, however, you have a solid piece of writing that I can find little fault with that hasn't already been stated. So, good work!

-Nutty

Hey Emmy!

This is sweet, I kind of like the way the thoughts seem to be piled together with little structure. At first I was a little unsure of it, because at the beginning this lady is very bitter, but at the end she is loving. Reading it as the continuous flow of thoughts of a woman who is still not entirely sure if she's dead, it works really well.

Time period
"Do you miss me, do you miss my laugh and soft skin?" Whether the train crashed or some other disaster happened, it would take a matter of hours or less for her body to arrive at the station. It seems odd that if she had simply gone shopping her husband would be missing her already. If she has been away for a while you should make this clearer earlier in the letter.

The Baby
If the pregnancy was far enough along for the baby to be saved and survive after the mothers death, it would have been too far along to hide that massive bump on her tummy. Surely she would have told her husband that there was a baby due, for preparational and financial reasons more than anything else, even if she hadn't seen her husband for a long time.

But, but!
"Don't forget to love again / But don't forget me."
(In this case) the word 'but' is one that you use when a second statement interrupts the first. For example, 'I would have gone to the park, but it was windy.' The windy weather interrupts the act of going to the park. In the quote I mentioned above, the second statement doesn't really interrupt the first. To make it correct you should use the term 'but also.' The word 'also' points to the previous statement to indicate that both should happen at the same time. To say 'but also don't forget me' would be correct because it is saying that, yes, this man should love again, and at the same time remember her.
Another way around it would be to say 'but don't forget me either.' The word 'either' has a different meaning to the word also, but both point to the previous statement.

Nitpicks
Because we all love those people who pick at the little things that don't really matter.
"It was a girl," should be "It is a girl," because if the girl was saved, then she is still living, therefore still exists in the present tense. "It was a girl," would mean she no longer is.

Overall, nice work. Writing from the perspective of a dead person, to a living person, whilst still having an audience reading, is a huge challenge, and you've done a great job of it

Hello there, Emmy!

Here to review.

My only critique here is how the woman died. I mean, she says that the train station was very dangerous but she didn't seem to state how and why and the connection between her and her husband is quite unclear. And that's the only problem which lead me to confusion. So you might want to clarify that one out.

Kicking aside those things, this has potential. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hiya!

Well first of all, I love this. I love the emotion and the depth you've put into your writing. Although, there was the repetition, it worked and it made everything seem just...just...so sad *tear*.
Although, there was just one part where the repetition of 'I think I'm dead' didn't work for me.

Lets name her Kya Marie.

Love her as I loved you.

I think I'm dead.

I'll miss you.

Don't forget to love again.

But don't forget me.

This was really good
One question, how could they save the baby? Because your MC is just telling her boyfriend/husband now that she is pregnant. How could he not have known? Unless she was only in the early stages of pregnancy, if so i ask again. How could they save the baby?

Keep writing!
Born

Well done, I like this a lot. It was pretty and well writing. Nice job : )

Keep writing, I really enjoyed this!

- Jessica

It is beautiful. I love it when it is from the point of view of a dead person. I think your descriptions were good and worked well. A very good piece. The only thing I was a little unsure of, was the structure it didn't really fit the piece in my opinion but never the less, it was an amazing piece.

Well done.

PM me for anything.

~Retro Disco666