The young woman’s silver eyes glowed like the moon and stars. Her dress of blue silk hung to her ankles, lightly sweeping the wet forest ground. Her hair was long and black as coal after a fire goes dead. The woman’s body was slender, her fingers long and elegant. She walked like a horse, graceful and elegant as she made her way through the trees. The morning had just broken and mist swirled in the cold autumn air, a blanket over the forest. The once green leaves drifted to the ground in a soft but steady rhythm.
When the woman listened with her tall, pointed ears, she can hear the songs of the plump yellow birds in the skies above. She smiled sadly as a ring of hazy sunlight hit her face. She blinked once, then twice. Then, she glanced down at her pale and shaking hand.
In it sat her silver blade, still dripping warm scarlet blood to the mud and leaf covered forest floor. The woman became crestfallen and closed her eyes, silently crying for her faded past. Her tears were like crystals, gliding down her cheeks and splashing to the dirty ground like fireworks.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Thank you so much! This being is not a human, it is an elf. This peice is actually in one of my books, but I wanted to see if other people liked it. Thank you for your reviews, I seem to have made many mistakes when writing this.
Hello there, Emmylou!
Nitpicks
On the contrary, the moon does not sparkle, though the stars do. Instead of using the word 'sparkled' perhaps you could say that her eyes glowed or shined. Also, silver eyes? Is she a mythical being? Because if not, I have never heard of a human having silver eyes -- gray ones, sure, but not silver.
First of all, you left out the word "went," which is needed to help the first half of the sentence make more sense. However, in reality your sentence does not make sense, because if her dress goes to her knees, how can it be sweeping the forest ground? You are saying that somehow, even though her dress goes only to her knees, that it sweeps the forest, and that is quite impossible. Think about it!
Here, it should be "like fireworks," not "like a firework," because we are talking about more than one tear.
Overall
While reading your short story, I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of imagery you used to describe this woman and her surroundings. I felt as if I was walking right alongside this woman -- that is how great your imagery was in this short piece.
There were a few times where your words became a bit confusing (see: "...to her knees, lightly sweeping the wet forest ground.") However, those mistakes are not too much of a hassle to fix, are they? There were a few things that made me a bit confused though -- is this lady a human? Her eyes are silver, apparently, but I have never seen a person with silver eyes. If she is human, you might want to change the description of her eyes to something more believable.
In the end, though, you executed this piece very nicely. I hope this helps & if you have any further questions and/or comments, feel free to PM me.
Cheers,
Mizzle
Hi, there!
Did you mean, "Her dress of blue silk hung to her knees"?
I don't know much about swans, but don't they sort of waddle as they walk? Aren't they considered graceful when in the water? I'd suggest changing this.
I'd suggest changing "fat" to something else, like "plump" perhaps. "Fat" just seems to out of place with the flow of beautiful imagery you have created.
I'd suggest taking out "and smooth." It makes it hard to read, and doesn't really add anything. Plus, there are already two adjectives, and it looks overdone.
I love this last line, but change "a firework" to "fireworks." There are more than one, and it creates a better dynamic.
Overall, I like this. Nice imagery, especially in such a short piece. The ending was well done, too, which many fail at.
loveness, ultraviolet <3