Inspire me.

by emilyleigh
  • January 18, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • Poetry
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Inspire me.
Be my muse.
Trapped in these glass walls,
I need your blood tonight.
I trace your contours lighlty,
observing your lips turn slightly.
You take me closer, slowly,
listening to my heart rate growing.
I turn shades of color,
contemplating as the world transcends duller.
You tuck my hair away
and I see you radiant against shades of grey.
And then you whisper in my ear,
those words I'll forever cherish, my dear.

Comments & reviews · 7
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brainychic212
Review
brainychic212 wrote a review · Fri Jan 22, 2010 4:01 pm

Since I don't write a lot of poetry, I usually don't critic it but I came across your poem and I just wanted to say good job. In my opinion, everything has already been pointed out by the people above me. I just wanted to say that I think this was very original. The first time I read it, I didn't really feel anything; but I read it again and I almost got that feeling of awe.

Anyway...wonderful job here! Keep it up!

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Vanadis
Review
Vanadis wrote a review · Tue Jan 19, 2010 10:51 am

Hello there. Welcome to YWS!

Inspire me.
Be my muse.
Trapped in these glass walls,
I need your blood tonight.
I trace your contours lighlty,
observing your lips turn slightly.#BF0000 "> >I see that these two lines begin the rhyme scheme. It's a bit weird, but not bad. You've misspelled "lightly," but that can be fixed easily. Now, "observing your lips turn slightly" is a bit strange; maybe "observing" can just be "observe" or "turn" could be "turning." It just seems like the verbs should have the same ending.
You take me closer, slowly,
listening to my heart rate growing. #BF0000 ">>See, in this line, both verbs end in -ing and it makes it sound better.
I turn shades of color,
contemplating as the world transcends duller. #BF0000 ">>This second line is way longer than the one before it, which throws the rhythm off. I'd maybe take out "as," find something other than "transcends" and make it an -ing verb.
You tuck my hair away
and I see you radiant against shades of grey. #BF0000 ">>I agree that this should be "your radiance," or else I could also suggest a comma before the word "radiant." That would also fix it. Once again, this line is much longer than the last, so I'd stick an adverb or something in the line before. For instance, "You gingerly tuck my hair away." Or whatever word you think fits best.
And then you whisper in my ear,
those words I'll forever cherish, my dear. #BF0000 ">>Seems like "cherish forever" would fit better, but there's still really nothing wrong with this.


I hate when it seems like I've torn something apart, because it makes me seem like I didn't like it. That's not true here. I actually really DO like this poem; it's a love poem, but it starts out not seeming like one. Then, it gets very into showing affection using actions, rather than saying really cheesy things that don't put a mental image into a reader's head. I like the fact that the entire time I was reading this, I could picture what was happening, as well as the feelings invoked. Pretty good balance. This is very refreshing to me.

I pushed the "like" button for you.

Thanks for posting, take care, and keep up the great work!
~Freyja

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Jas
Review
Jas wrote a review · Tue Jan 19, 2010 7:02 am

Opposite of flower_child actually, I liked the begining more than the end because in the begininng it was a different look on love, in the end it was quite frankly, a bit cliche. I liked the poem though...you knw what I noticed...I have never seen a bad piece of work on the website. Like all my reviews are I liked it alot, it was really good, keep up the good work, stuff like that. OFF TOPIC, sorry anyway I think it was pretty original, awesome work!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Chocolate

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sweet2685 Comment
sweet2685 commented · Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:10 am

I really liked your poem. I wouldn't change anything except for the suggestions mentioned by peanut19. Beautiful use of words!

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Flower~Child
Comment
Flower~Child commented · Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:19 pm

Ok, I think that the beggining wasn't as good as the end. It got stronger but the rhyme sceme wasn't very good. Work on that and it would be very good.

-Flower-

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peanut19
Review
peanut19 wrote a review · Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:39 pm

Okay this was a love poem....I thought it was good because unlike most it wasn't very cliche. But there were some words in here that should be changed because they don't make sense.



I trace your contours lighlty,

That should be lightly. Just a typo :)



and I see you radiant against shades of grey.


I think this would flow better as: your radiance, instead of what you have.

observing your lips turn slightly.


turned slightly.


Overall I think this was a good poem. It wasn't cliche like I thought it would be. Good job.

~peanut~



Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
— Noam Chomsky