Desire

i dint even like it pretty much....but still i liked the style of writing and its essence......but in the end the sense of the poem and the message stayed buried....

Hey,

I'm just gonna put some notes around the poem, and then you can PM and tell me what you think if you wish.

emilyleigh wrote:Who can fill
my empty heart?
When there never was
an ignition to start.Start new stanza here
A barren chest
deflating the pain,
let's fill up instead
with gasoline.Put the second gasoline up her and run it on to the next line to create enjambment
Gasoline, to start a fire.end this stanza here
Let's start a fire in my heart.
Let's strike the match Get rid of it, it creates unneeded repetition
#0000FF ">on the back of my insanity Love this line. This shows real promise in you as an author.
and rage this fire.End stanza
Feed it.Put this on a stanza on it's own
#FF0000 ">I'm running, always running.
The oxygen bleeds in,
keeps the fire alive.
This burning sensation
consuming my body
keeps the fire alive.
My lone fire........This is completely fine how it is, i like this part.
...............
..........To many dots just a few to separate the line once
...#FF0000 ">Will you grow my fire?
Will you tip over, fill me,
fill me with your fuel? I'm sorry but that is cringe worthy. It puts a downer on the poem. If you want to ask a question, make it purely around the theme of love. Personally that's what I would do
#0000FF ">Will you strike the match
on the back of your insanity? I like how this links back, a lot. End stanza here
Please, create a fire for me.I would run these lines on with enjambment again so it goes for me and on one line and then it would go onto the next
And tend it regularly.
How?
#0000FF ">Pour your love into me.
Tend it regularly;I really like this lines. Start new stanza
#00BF40 ">I can't run for this fire,
I can't run from this fire.
Tend it regularly;
You need to tip over
and spill,
spill your God damned love into me!
Tip, spill, strike.Finally emotion. Okay love this bit, not a single fault

Grow my fire,
my inasatiable,
pure, holy, beautiful
God damned desire!Please please please, expand on the bit. Throw in a contradiction or two. something like putting loving and hating in the same line type thing

Hey!

I'm going to be negative: this really bored me. Sure, there was some interesting assonance with the whole "gasoline/pain" but if you just look at those lines, you will see that they are very short and ring of forced rhyming. Forced rhyming is distracting, and is not enjoyable to read. My advice for you would be to write free-verse, and without any rhyme scheme. Because by the looks of it, you need to spend some time writing about a message, and not just something abstract and groundless - experiment with metaphors and imagery, but in order to do that, you need to apply these abstract ideas to the real world with something concrete.

The idea of a heart to represent desire is the most boring metaphor on the planet. We've heard it before. Find some other way of making desire part of reality; perhaps you could talk about different kinds of love, or just work on giving a back-story to what you already have. I have no idea what it all means - talk to me about the persona's character through the poem, otherwise it's just an angsty story about a teenager who thinks they understand love.

That said, I do like the chatty dialogue tone that you've got running through here. To develop that further, you might like to look at more interesting ways of saying things, perhaps with some non-standard English - just think about how much you can learn from someone just from the way that they speak!

So, I hope I helped! PM me if you've any questions.

-Mark