Stretching Time

Hmm. So, this poem has a really good title and premise, especially clear in the last line. That idea of stretching time, especially in relation to the characters you've introduced (the lover and the parents), is something that would be interesting if explored. But the problem is you only introduce the characters and never explore the concept further.

I think you were hinting at it: there's not a lot left. So is this then a poem about how the speaker feels their life isn't worth enough because of their past? This is where more exploration of the stretching time theme would definitely be appreciated: what does it feel like, what does she think of in the moments where she's aware of this time stretching. Does it mean she's going back to that time, and present time can never really get far enough away from the past? Does it mean that because she thinks she's not worthy of these people she's just waiting for the day she'll walk away from them? Or, as I mentioned earlier, does it mean she thinks she's not worthy of life in general and is waiting for the day it will end?

In addition to clearing up or exploring that idea more, I'd like a more personal exploration of the other characters, perhaps? Right now they function just as paper cutouts of their roles. This is "The Lover" and these are "The Parents" rather than personal and real "my lover" and "my parents". It could be helpful to bring in small, specific details that make them feel real, but it depends on whether you want the focus to be the characters juxtaposed with the theme, or you just want to explain the sensation of the theme.

I hope this review will be helpful to you!
Good luck and keep writing!

Hi emilyleigh,here is Dark to give review on your poem.

I tried several times to understand your poem. Even in the first lines look a little less 'obvious' here.But I like the diction you use. It is effectively have an impact on readers.Who is actually 'him' is refer to?Through these lines confused me a bit.

" and I feel like I little girl

I still am their little girl

and I know

I wouldn’t want to lose my little girl. -->Do 'I' own child?

I continue to read the the next lines down.And I'm happy with the ending that seemed like a solution to the crisis.

# and something I cannot lose--

I’ve tried.

I’ve tried

to live gracefully,

and appreciate breath,

and simply live,

and learn; -->What a beautiful lines here.I like it,simply nice to read.It has a deep meanings here in your poem.

But to be honest here,I found out that it is hard to find a rhythm on your poem.I tried to read it loudly,but still there is something not sound so right here.Anyway,I enjoyed reading your poem here.Sure you can do better than this next time.Take time to reread and edit back soon.That is what I used to do with my poems too-always.
Keep it up!
kudos,cheers
~Dark

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:
"and I do it cause he says he loves me
and it feels good
when he kisses me between my lips"
This felt really long. I needed a little more punctuation, like a comma or two to slow it down a little. Reading through that portion just felt long-winded without them. And the "cause" should have an apostrophe in front of it.
The rest of my comments would consist of wanting the lines broken up a little differently, but that's style not punctuation or grammar technique so those will stay out of this review.

Content:
Very interesting poem. I had to do a little rereading to pick up on all the reasoning and such, but otherwise a good poem.

Hope this helps!

Wow.

I really love this poem. It's very soft spoken and sad. I think everyone can relate to it. I really like the line "I still am their little girl/and i know/i wouldn't want to lose my little girl". It shows an in-between place most teenagers are.

Typically this would be a grammatical nightmare, because you never capitalize any of the lines. I really like this feature because it softens the poem it seems like. I love the run on sentence in the middle, because it goes along with the whole theme of stretching everything out.

I'd say the only thing that bothers me if the inconsistency with the length of each line. They all vary. That's the only thing that bothered me about the whole poem, but it all comes together just fine.

pssst! shift-enter to only jump down one line!