Collarbone

Hey, this is Cailey here with a review!

Okay, so first of all, remember that there is a way to rate these things. I mean, this wasn't inappropriate, but it definitely could have had a higher rating, just as a warning, you know?

This was pretty good, but I think it could still use some work. I mean, you've got an idea here, a scene. And you have the imagery of her hand resting on his collarbone, which is a good image and something you should play up on, after all, it's the title of the piece, right?
So see if you can take that image, and the ivory that you keep referring back to, and turn those images into a more central part of the poem.

Poetry should be about detail and emotion, not just the scene that's unfolding. You started to get a grip on that, but at the same time I think you left yourself room to add a whole lot more detail. See if you can add more details, maybe mention the color of the Chrystal lattice in his eye (that was a great line, by the way).

Anyway, that's all I can think for now, but be sure you rate this. Especially if you do go ahead and add some more detail. Hope this was at least a little bit helpful. Keep writing!

Hello, Hero here.

When I read your poem I just ask myself what. It seems like a clump of random words without a purpose to do anything but keep the weak rhythm you have.

"pain in my hips
but I don't care."

Left there like that- like we are suppose to pry into your mind and pull out a meaning. Why do your hips hurt? What is the purpose? Your words are often saturated with randomness of objects that are a very weak version of imagery. Just descriptions that lead to no-where, and never come to a point.

"We’re covered in
sheer ivory falling"

The image of this is just rediculas.

ivory: A hard creamy-white substance composing the main part of the tusks of an elephant, walrus, or narwhal, often (esp. formerly) used to..

_
sheer ivory falling
over intertwined bodies;
but he doesn't care

covered in sheer ivory;
but he doesn’t care


I think we understood the first time. It seems like you just said the same thing over and over and it seemed redundant. Its a poem why do you feel the need to explain yourself multiple times? If you did it right the first time you wouldn't need to.

In the end this poem is too vague to get a picture. You just end up saying what you are doing and not showing i.e. imagery. Not only this, but you say it multiple times.

I am sorry if you get offended. I hope you can understand the point I am trying convey. It is said with love,

Happy Writing.

ImHero

So this was pleasant. Just a very smooth ride, which in poetry can be a difficult thing to achieve. So, that being said, I'm going to take a few nitpicks because there's really very little to decipher here.

Foremost, I just gotta ask about your grammar. I know it's poetry and punctuation goes out the window, and who cares because it's poetry. But I see you sort of use it, and then you sort of don't use it. So I'm a little confused by it. You're not putting commas where commas should often go, and you're using the semicolon, which you gotta be careful with because I have a tendency to believe semicolons are very heavy, especially in poetry. Semicolons are supposed to connect two full sentences, and here: "... covered in sheer ivory; but he doesn't care." that doesn't need a ; it needs a ,. Otherwise, you're good.

Also, just this little thing:
"We’re covered in
sheer ivory falling
over intertwined bodies;"

For some reason it isn't sitting right with me because I feel like you've been talking this whole time "we" and "our" and "he" and "I" and all of a sudden you leave that out, so it's like "who's intertwined bodies are we talking about?" What you've done is created a level of disconnection, which would normally just sound artsy and poetic, like "ooo, syntax" but now it's like "eeeerm, inconsistency." Just saying "over our intertwined bodies" would satisfy me. Or find a better way to do that in your own way, just saying.

Otherwise, good work. I dug it.