I fell into my cryptic state
and let my eyes roll back.
I watched the rattle
tap lighly on the ground
and listened to the hiss, hiss
of deception slithering my way.
I float in, float out,
it's my passage of time.
And it passes slowly,
burns quickly.
I'll hide away from it
so I don't have to fall.
Undecided if it's undetermined,
whether or not i'll have the chance
to escape this loop.
My defeat may come soon,
so my true test is passed to me
of whether or not
I can carry this weight.
A gift?
A curse?
Whichever I'll find out
just how much I can lift,
how i'll escape,
and how this passage of time,
my passage of time works.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey Emily!
I think the reason why Jasmine said this poem was a bit abstract was because its metaphors didn't really make sense! That is, your metaphors are very imaginative, but they don't actually give the reader a clear idea of what's going on! So, you have to make that leap from creative metaphors to fantastical metaphors in that we should be given a clear idea of what's going on, even if what's going on is completely weird! We need to be able to imagine it.
Play around with it and see if you can shake your metaphors into working for you.
Hi,
The first two lines are really great. They drew me in and flow very well.
I'd change;
"I watched the rattle
tap lighly on the ground (should be "lightly")
and listened to the hiss, hiss
of deception slithering my way."
I think it would be better to hear the rattle, but the rhythm isn't quite right here. I'd read it aloud from the start so you can get a sense of the sound. I think "deception slithering my way" is overdone, so I'd try and make the language plainer and more visual. I'd change "time" and "burn" to something more concrete.
I think the rest of the poem is a bit abstract. I'd show the reader what you mean rather than saying it directly.
Hope this helps,
Jas