Stuck in the currents of frostbitten waters
the drifting dead bodies of son and of daughter
Caught is the blood that seeped through their skin
Floating memorably in torrents still raging within
Within the man of shamefully murderous intentions
His mind is betraying him; relentless with tension
The voices of the slaughtered demonically screaming
He thought so very little, ridding their tears in the streaming
The sounds of their crying still haunting his insides
He believed that the water was covering the homicide
He trusted the night to smother the bruised nightmare
To rid the world of remembering young blood lost in nowhere
but the fairness of innocent faces are tearing at his rest
making him recall the hearts ripped out from adolescent chests
No one understands why he's become raving mad
They just see a man once good, now ferociously sad
...
The water's a traitor to its violent eating companion
but to the pure what is poison, the pure will always abandon
So in the vengeful anger of an unceasing remorse
this tired and tattered man will give a burden sickeningly worse
Slipping into the stream with feet covered by shoes
his socks begin filling with the river's bitter blues
his pockets already full with course grey stones
This water must swallow another set of aching bones
but as his lungs are full with the tears of the dead
the currents grow shallow over his pale decaying head
In the light of the sun and the darkness of pain
the river grew low at the indignant protest of sorrowful rain
This rivulet of life now tormented by death
could hold no more suffering nor steal one more breath
With the still heartbeats of innocent and damned
the water died also, covering itself in forgiveness of sand
With the sight of the bodies what was hidden is now known
it is the tragic story of what the water could not hold
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello, eleutheromania! It's Mr. Powers here, with another fun and exciting review! Today, I'll be looking at this poem, called "What the Water Could Not Hold".
Wow, what a dark poem. My god, and I thought I was dark and depressing! This just might give me nightmares (I kid you not). This was delightful! There are a few things, though. One, let me say that some people are scared of long poems. Like, they won't review it or even read it. The only people that would do it would be the dedicated people. Also, I think it could use some punctuation. A few commas, semi-colons, and periods. Without them, the poem is a bit harder to read. I'm not gonna nit-pick on your rhyming, because I get bothered with my own rhyming too often.
In the end, let me say that this was a fantastic poem. It'll earn you a like, a favorable review, and even a SUBSCRIPTION!!! Yes, your darkness won me over. Thank you kindly, and have a pleasant day.
Thanks for reading my poem and for sharing your input on how to grow and make things better.
Oh dang. That poem just sent chills down my spine! That was very well done, but if i don't find something to blather on about, how can I review this? O.o So, here are a few problems that nobody really cares about but I'm going to mention anyways.
First, you have to capitalize the first letter of each line. Next, I am under the impression that you are following the AABB pattern of poetry, where lines a rhyme and lines b rhyme. However, when you say,
"With the still heartbeats of innocent and damned
the water died also, covering itself in forgiveness of sand"
Damned and Sand are almost rhymes, but they do not acutally rhyme, since damned ends with "Ned" and sand ends with "nd".
Aside from that, great work!
Team Rocket, BLASTING OFF AGAINNNN
Yes, a lot of my poems have words that don't perfectly rhyme. I've rhymed battle with chapel before so...lol. Thank you though, for the help and advice about future endeavors in writing.
No problem! I also do that, but for me it's mostly because i'm just too lazy to find a word that does rhyme. XD
Wow... Dark poems like this always excite me!
Okay, no nitpicking need s to be done, not other grammatical errors, the meaning of the poem requires thinking to figure out, thats good.
Kay, now that the official stuffs out of the way, please allow me to ramble a bit! (Not really)
So, as I've said before, I really enjoyed this poem. It was medium length, which I find not a lot of people can pull off very well, but you did. Dark, twisted poems deserve more than just a few stanza's and you delivered wonderfully! If you know me well, then you know that I like having to find out what a poem stands for, and for me, the kind of vibe I get is that this poem is what happens in a psycho's dreams or fantasies. Maybe I see that because I am a psycho, but who knows! Great job and keep it up.
~The dark one.
By the way, how did you post this while review day is still going on???
Thank you for your positive review. Most of what I write isn't very dark, but this story came and needed to be told, so. As for your question, I'm somewhat new to YWS and I can't really tell you how I may've managed to publish if I wasn't supposed to be able to. (shrug)