Two mouths and one sink
Of course there's room enough for both
Or so you'd think
With jaws full of toothpaste
The water is calling
Beneath your face and my face
The bubbles are falling
In this tiny little space
The wait is appalling
Competition in the obligation
To allow the other freedom first
Of the soapy sensation
The foamy display only making it worse
The embarrassment of washing
Of expelling the exhaustion
Of loosing our bad breathing
All that the dreams were lost in
So I spit
Then you spit
In this little sink of white
In the porcelain frame of cleanliness
Ridding our teeth of the night
Forgetting in the peppermint
The darkness caked on open bones
Releasing all the sentiment
In the hungry drain of hidden unknowns
We let go of the visions
That floated in the silence
Regretting the decision
To let toothpaste show our shyness
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139,229 Literary Works • 672,517 Reviews
This is a very deep poem about brushing your teeth while sharing the sink with someone else, which grosses me out like nothing else in the world! I loved it, and it was amazing that you could come up with this in a matter of minutes. I will be sure to check out more of your work. If this poem about toothpaste has such profound meaning, then I cannot wait to check out your other works. Loved the awkwardness that occurs between two people trying to share a sink while trying not to seem competitive at the same time. Keep writing!
Thank you!
This completely portrays what brushing your teeth with someone else is like. It's always so awkward, and you fully grasped that concept in this poem. Relatability is good, so this is great!
Your word choice is exceptional! I could see the mental pictures because of how well you described everything.
The poem sounds serious, but I was definitely detecting some hidden humorous voice in there
Yep, thanks for taking the time to read it and to write a review.
The title of this poem grabbed my attention straight away as my favourite song is "toothpaste kisses" by the Maccabees. So I assumed I would also enjoy this anecdote about the oral cleaning agent, and I was right.
I really loved this. It is so quirky and unique. My favourite line is "in the hungry drain of hidden unknowns" lovely. Your descriptive style is what keeps this piece impressive. Really, great job. I do agree with what some of the others pointed out about the capitalisation of the first word of each line ... It is a little off putting. But that's the only criticism. I love the last line in that you read it once literally then once you get to the end you discover the symbolic meaning and read it again through a new pair of eyes, wonderful!
Thank you for the input and positive feedback.
Hey eleutheromania.
I love this piece and I totally agree with: "You never know when simple, mundane things will awaken your mind's imagination to profoundness." Sometimes the most simple things inspire the best pieces of writing.
I think you did a good job of included some extra descriptions in your poem. It could have been boring without it. I agree with Audy that capitalizing the first word on each line is not a good idea. Try to keep that in mind. And as far as I can tell, your spelling and grammar are perfect.
I love the whole idea behind this poem and I really enjoyed reading it. It's cute, fun and unique.
Great job. Keep writing.
~Gia2505 a.k.a Your friendly neighbourhood Freak~
I see the point that Audy has. I don't usually write with so much capitalization actually. I have a few other poems I haven't published just yet, and most of them have a different format. Thank you for taking the time to read this and talk about it though.
Hey eleutheromania!
One thing that I would recommend for poetry in general (unless people know what they're doing) is to NOT capitalize the first word on each line. I know a lot of programs (I'm pointing at YOU microsoft!) do this automatically, but the problem is that your poem uses a lot of enjambment. Your ideas, sentences and such continue from one line to the next, and it actually makes it more difficult to read because we tend to expect that when you have a capital letter, you begin a new idea (such as the normal rules of grammar). If your poem were end-stopped, then this could work, but even still, nowadays it's actually more professional-looking if you don't cap your beginning line across the board.
That being said, I loved this poem. I have a housemate, and so this very much relates to me and I love the content and the idea of brushing one's teeth as the subject for a poem c: I love me some non-cliche topics. Plus, the tone is super humorous and playful, and you do a pretty amazing job at maintaining the rhyme and the rhythm to all of this. It's very fast, very back and forth, just the same as the motions of brushing your teeth would be. See, this is a sing-song poem done right.
Overall, super adorable. Love the extra thought and work that went behind the rhythm.
~ as always, Audy
Thanks so much for your input and opinions. I'll definitely keep what you've said in mind about capitalization in mind the next time I'm writing.
This actually made me laugh. I really enjoyed reading this! I'm usually not one for poetry, and I often find it confusing, but this was cute and humorous and I really liked it!
I can feel the toothpaste and that burning you get when you have it in your mouth too long! It really is terrible and it feel alike an eternity when you're waiting to spit it out! The only part I thought was a little wonky was this part:
"...Competition in the obligation
To allow the other freedom first
Of the soapy sensation..."
I think it's because 'competition in the obligation' has 10 syllables and 'of the soapy sensation' only has seven...Try to get the sentences to be closer in syllable counts. That might make it seem less...strange....Then again, it might just be me. Again, I'm not very good with poetry, but I wanted to comment mostly because I really liked it and it made me happy and I wanted you to know that!
Keep writing you're good at it!
Thank you. I've only been writing poems that rhymed for a short while now, so I'm still getting the hang of it, but thanks so much for your input and advice. I really appreciate it. I'm glad my writing made someone laugh.
Hello eleutheromania!
This is really good! You're right, it is weird the things that waken your (and my) imagination! This is quite original, I have never seen a poem about toothpaste before, and a good one at that. I don't really get the meaning of the last line though. Otherwise it's great! I've definitely seen (and written) worse.
~Kelpies.
Thank you so much. The last line is a little vague, but its because its very personal. I'm a little bit of an introvert and others who share this may understand better what I mean. Its somewhat metaphorical in the fact that often times a quiet person (like me) reveals themselves awkwardly without realizing they're doing it until the gawking or notice forms an embarrassment that makes them regret their decision to allow themselves leisure from fortresses in harmless things.
I see. I often write personal poetry, but no one understands mine!
I completely get that. I have a lot of pieces that no one can understand because they're set so deeply in the description of my own skin that it's hard for others to see any resemblance in their own, making my expression seem foreign.