I can feel you
seeping through my skin
starting things I would always end
while we were "just friends"
...
I can hear you
through the telephone line
whispering sounds that promise you're mine
giving up hopes that lie in the night
envisioning things yet beyond our sight
...
I can touch you
in the gaping distance
in your prolonged absence
in the chasms of kisses
never felt
because he always misses
...
I can see you
walking through the streets
an image I have sworn to meet
When we awaken from our sleep
When time finally gives to keep
...
I can want you
in every moment you're away
I can need you everyday
in this chaotic array
of hidden displays
...
I can hold you
when the wind is howling
and your life is growling
When everything good is drowning
your tears still resounding
...
I can hear you
when the silence silences you
When the agony takes its due
Then speak softly for your truth
knowing what they never knew
...
I can love you
forever in my dreams
in every pulling seam
that tears to make us scream
for each darkening sunbeam
...
I can cry
when you leave for good
When you act how you should
When love breaks as it could
When it ends
the way I knew it would
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I adore this so so much.
I love the organization of this poem and how it tied together at the end. Your voice is very strong throughout the piece, which is not an easy thing to do. I was engaged throughout this piece and the rhyming was so effective. I don't think it was overdone at all.
The theme of love and wanting someone so badly but knowing how it could end is definitely a huge part of today's culture, but I definitely think you did a phenomenal job of pulling the reader in due to your word choice.
This was such a pleasure to read, thank you.
~FearlessLove4
Thanks for the upbeat review!
Lovely work! Nicely written and enjoyable to read. Gave me lots of images and feelings. I like your heartfelt style. Keep it up!
Thank you!
Hi. Dogsrule5 here to make a review... For you....!
Okay I really, really, really, liked your awesome dramatic poem. It was really good. I totally get what this person is going through.
I really didn't see much mistakes.
THIS POEM WAS
A FOR AMAZING
W FOR WONDERUFL
E FOR SOMETHING
S FOR SOMETHING (REALLY SOMETHING)
O FOR OWESOME (I DIDNT KNOW A GOOD ONE SORRY ABOUT O AND S.
M FOR MAGESTIC
AND E FOR... SOMETHING (CANT THINK OF A GOOD ONE OF E.)
Keep up the good writing.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Thank you! Your review made me laugh. Really appreciate the positivity and creativeness in sharing it.
No problem
Hi eleutheromania! Sherri here to review your poem
Welcome to YWS, and... on an off note... do you have a nickname for your username? I have a feeling I'll be reviewing you in the future, and your username is kind of long! I'd hate to misspell it.
Anyways, on to the review. I really loved this poem; it was very powerful, and kept me interested. In fact, I didn't really notice that it was rhyming until a little ways past the middle. Then it dawned on me that the end of each line was ringing in my head, and I had to stop and look back to see why. This was a really nice effect; sometimes it's best if the reader doesn't realize that the poem rhymes. I personally like to analyze it, but many other readers enjoy not realizing it.
I didn't notice any errors--I'm a fast reader, however, and could have missed something--but I do have to ask why you don't separate your poem into stanzas? I still have trouble with this myself when I write poetry; I couldn't figure out how to format it to where there were stanzas. I was wondering if that was the case here, or if you did it intentionally? If you had originally wanted it broken into stanzas, then I think you press 'enter' twice after each stanza. I occasionally put '*' between the stanzas, but that effect isn't always the best.
Anyways, really nice poem! I can't wait to see what else you come up with; do you plan on continuing with poetry, or starting something else? Just curious as of to what your writing strong-suit is
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Thanks so much for your review. You can just call me mania if you like. The meaning of the word the entire word is an intense and irresistible desire for freedom. I fell in love with it when I found the word.
I didn't intend to have the stanzas close in proximity to each other, and when I'm writing, I always separate them. I'm just getting used to writing on this website and I haven't quite learned all the tricks yet.
I plan on continuing with poetry. It's what I'm good at, though I have a few short stories I may end up sharing here if I become so inclined someday. Thanks for all your questions and for being so welcoming.
*adds word to mental dictionary* I can see why you love it!
The spacing system on this site is kind of weird to me, too... then again, I'm still pretty new myself; you'll get used to it, though!
Like I said before, can't wait to see what else you come up with.
Hello. Stripeslife here to review!
So let me start by saying this is an excellent work of poetry. It was a real joy to read, so much so I have read it twice as of now. But there is one thing that I think could be better.
This may be intended, but it seems your rhyming pattern is somewhat off. Basically, sometimes you are using an AABB rhyme scheme like here:
"through the telephone line
whispering sounds that promise you're mine
giving up hopes that lie in the night
envisioning things yet beyond our sight"
Then sometimes you are using an ABCB rhyme scheme like here:
"in the chasms of kisses
never felt
because he always misses
I can see you"
Then other times you are using an ABBB rhyme scheme like here:
"walking through the streets
an image I have sworn to meet
When we awaken from our sleep
When time finally gives to keep"
There are also a few others schemes that you use as well. But do you see what I mean? I think it is a very good poem and you have great potential. I just think that adding a consistent rhyming scheme. This also may have been intentional and that is completely fine.
Overall though, I really enjoyed this poem and hope to read more from you. Thanks for reading this and I wish you the best of luck in your future writing!
Thank you. I've been writing prose for a long time, but I've only been writing poetry for about a month so my consistency with rhyming schemes still needs a lot of work. I know that as I continue writing, though, things will become more focused and flow better. Thank you for reading my work.
Anytime. Also, one motto that I live by with my writing is "The day I have nothing to correct and get better at is the day I should stop writing". Getting better is the most important thing. And this poem turned out a lot better than a lot of mine when I was just starting with poetry. Keep it up!