hopeless

King here

Hello there! This is very simple and I do not fully understand what it is about but I still find it very funny honestly. It is just a plain-looking talk between girl and a boy and it just made me smile which I think is enough for the orginary reader. I only have that craving to correct here and there and by that, I mean everything. This is my own personal opinion and you do not need to correct the dialogue or the story at all in the way I will edit it, so no worries. I only wish to help or at least give ideas for future better works. So I will just write the edited work below.


She asked me what I did.

I told her I ate.

She asked, "And?"

"I sleep and I am quite good at it." I added

"I mean, what do you do for a living?"

"There's something you obviously do, no?"

"No ma'am." I replied politely.

"Then do you steal? Kill people for money? Goddamn it, what do you do?"

"I roam around the house, miss, and.."

"Yes..?"

"Sometimes shout 'watch out!'"

"So you eat, sleep, roam around and sometimes shout 'watch out'?"

I nodded, "Yessum, that's all, you've said it!"

.

She looked daggers at me

and kicked the chair, I kept on smirking.



As I said, do not take all my edits by heart, have a good day!

I appreciate the personality you gave to the protagonist. She seems very childish, but also intelligent. Almost as if she is playing with the person questioning her. There isn't much for me to critique, but one thing that jumped out at me is how it's a bit hard to understand the dialogue. I almost wish there was another stanza giving the perspective if the their person in the poem, just so we have a bit more of an idea of what's going on.

Hey there mialynire, Autumns here to say a few quick words: The poem is humorous, it made me smile. You've kept it simple, kept it neat. Kudos. This needs a teeny-tiny correction, though:

she asked me what did I do
I said I eat

she asked me, "what do you do?"
I said, "I eat."

she asked me what I did
I told her I ate

"I sleep and am quite good at it," I added
(...)
"Sometimes shout 'watch out!'" : Here 'watch out' needs to be within single quotes.
"So you eat, sleep, roam around and sometimes shout watch out?" : Here too

Hey, I'm here for a quick review.

So this poem is simple, and because of that, delivers its message effectively. There's no kicking in the bush or going for lengthy imageries for that. That's what I like most of it. The second one would be the dialogue. I'm just a sucker for it (compared to imageries >.>) and in here it helps to get the message across rather than going into the 'telling' department. It must be because of the lack of description following it - rather than dividing our attention to the dialogue and the description, it directs us solely to the former. For a humour piece like this, it's suitable.

The only thing that bugs me is the italicized part for the dialogue and the inconsistency of punctuations. Italicized is good when done right, and by 'done right', I mean it has to have meaning. Here, I don't see what's the meaning for it. It just feels like it's indicating the parts italicized as dialogues and that's it. I think it would do without italicization. Heck, you can even dismiss the dialogue tag to get a sense of quietness to it (which doesn't help this rather vibrat poem, but you got my point). It's a bit distracting to see the italicized. Oh, same goes to the bolded one.

The other problem is lack of punctuation. In here, it's mostly lack of periods. It's not like I'm a sucker for punctuation because I totally accept the many stylistic devices for poem such as decapitilizing the 'I' and whatnot, but your dialogues are perfect with punctuations, it's just parts outside of it that have no punctuations. Again, there's no reason to drop the periods - it would even help your reader reading this along. Since you're already using perfect punctuations for dialogues, it won't give you any harm to be consistent and put a period after a sentence whenever it could.

Anyway, I can see the lines are spaced a bit wider than usual, and I'd this problem when I started poeting here, so I'll share it to you the solving way. When you want to go to another line, click Enter and Shift at the same time (or Shift first before Enter, whichever you'd like). It would get you straight below the line before.

Anyway, that's all! Sorry I can't get into talking about the meaning of your poem. I just don't know how to. >.> Keep it up!

Hi, this is Abhipsa, here for a review.

Well, to start with, I am quite a newbie to this and I just liked what you have written so thought to do a review.
The poem is humorous and entertaining. But the picture is quite unclear. I mean what is the boy trying to do? Deceive? If yes, then why? From the beginning he seems to be a small child, playing a prank. At the end too it seems like that when he smirks at the horrified woman whom he calls ''ma'am''. All that gives the picture of a cute, little, naughty boy.
But then he cannot be so little because the lady asks him what he does for a living. That means he is quite a grown man. So then why is he pulling her leg?
That needs some explanation in your poem.

Secondly there is the fact - what does he exactly do? Is he a guard in the house? That needs to be mentioned or at least some hints should be given at the end to complete a mysterious and funny poem.

Apart from that it was a nice job.

Keep writing!

Hi, Rine! How are you?

I don't know how to start. I mean, this is definitely not a review. I have 0 knowledge of poetry. Still I read it since it's yours.

I really like the poem. If these are all that you do, then you are great! I really like the way you have written the lines, the two stanzas. The poem kinda seemed to have an aversion to capitalization, which I found more interesting. And this is also an interesting way to write poetry, I think.

Gomen, I couldn't help you much. But I will always love to read your poetry or short or essay or novel or whatever you write, Rine-chan.