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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
The first thing I notice about your poem is how straightforward it is. Usually I see poems with hidden meanings and so much figurative language that I can't tell which way is up. It's always refreshing to see poems like this that just tell it as it is.
I'm so not biased because most of my poetry is the same >.>There is quite a bit of punctuation in this poem. Punctuation is always something that everyone has a different opinion on; how much should be there, how little should be there, what punctuation to use. The bottom line is, punctuation affects the flow of the poem. It's where we'll know to pause or barrel right through. With the amount of commas here, I'm not even sure how to react to it. I'll show you what I'm talking about
Let's take just the first line and write them out with the pauses: "You all are here *pause* around me *pause* I see you everyday *pause hear you talking". That's three pauses, four if you count the end of the line, within 13 words. That's about the length of a normal sentence, one without commas. So why the need to put them in here? Looking it over I see only two places where punctuation is needed: a period after 'me' and a comma after 'everyday'. Why not strip your poem of punctuation, read it out loud and see where the natural breaks are? That'll give you a better understanding of where the commas would need to go. All of these lines are written almost the same way with the same amount of punctuation. Play around with it. Once you find the way you enjoy using punctuation it'll become easier in the future.
I agree with Lightsong below me about splitting into two stanzas. There are plenty of single stanza poems so don't think all poems have to be split up. The reason I'm pointing it out with your poem here is because there are two separate ideas here. The first half is the speaker noticing the people around them, then the second half is more about what the speaker thinks everyone should do. At first, the "I feel so left out" line seemed to separate the two ideas, but then it's repeated at the end and reminded me of two stanzas again. Just something to think about. Again, play around with it. The fun thing about poetry is that you can literally move pieces around and it'll be all (pretty much) the same.
Okay. The word 'golly' here ruins it for me. It's such a playful, silly words and it takes away from the serious tone the poem has taken on. Not to mention, the repetition of the line "I feel so left out" adds so much to the poem.
This poem is well written. The punctuation is really all that's throwing me off at the moment. Tighten that up and it will be amazing.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you! I'll be working on the punctuation!
Omigosh, I'm so offended. Just kidding. :p Here to give the requested review!
This is a run-on line. I think you can do by breaking it up. Also, remember, a poem is sentences broken into lines, so if you don't end up this one with a period, it must continue to the second line. Suggestion:
Don't be shy to use more punctuation marks. They give more versatility to your poem. And about line breaks...
These lines need to be turned to proper line breaks; a sentence that is cut into lines.
If said out loud, it would be, "You all are responsible, sensible people, making the world a better place and you all are organised, successful, happy". That is a proper sentence which I have cut into three lines to make it poem.
Anyway, about your poem. I can see there are two different ideas in it which is 1) what people seem to be on the outside, and 2) what might be their pretension. These ideas mean to be separated, which means, one idea is for one stanza. Remember that. Stanza is an effective way as a transition of ideas.
Lastly, I think you get the message across, but there is too much telling here. Like writing short stories, a nice dose of showing is needed in poetry. It doesn't mean you have to show all the time - a blend of showing and telling can produce a nice poem. Just remember that instead of saying "You all are beautiful, brilliant and smart", it is more efficient to say "You all have golden hair and sapphire eyes, a mind that solves all problems in the world" because it delivers idea in a way we can imagine it.
That is all. Keep up the good job!
Oh thank you!
One of the most helpful reviews I've ever received. I'm gonna keep your suggestions in mind and read more poetry to write better ones.
Ello, caliginous here.
First of all, this poem is extremely relatable. I think about this concept every day of my life. So many people don't like themselves, so they hide behind this "perfect" disguise and pretend they're better than others. Honestly, I know I tried to be better than I thought I was at one point. I have since given up the act after realizing the clear and blatant stupidity of it. I wish I had a poem like this one to read when I was going through this.
This poem was indeed short and concise. You could have elaborated more, added more detail and reasoning for your feelings. I was slightly confused about how the title relates to the overall theme of the poem at first. You never completely explain this question in the poem, but you do hint at it. Perhaps you should add some more details to better explain why you feel left out, and go into more depth on the subject itself. You probably feel left out because you're not as "perfect" as the other people around you, but I had to read this several times to fully draw this conclusion. Remember, this is just a suggestion. This poem has me really conscious of what I'm saying right now....
You end up asking the reader to make sure they're not lying to themself. Well done, you truly caused me to reflect on my life. My choices, my actions, my conversations. Poems should have the ability to make you really think, and you hit this spot-on. Awesome job!
This poem definitely conveys the message you are trying to get across. You really got me to think and question myself more than I ever would've thought to. Amazing!
~caliginous
Thanks for your review and yes I could've done more with the poetry, I agree so I'll consider writing another part sometime probably. But, thank you understanding what I've tried saying here (Thought it would be too confusing for the readers.)
I'm glad you enjoyed it though.
Hi!
I really liked your poem! It was short and to the point, which worked well because you could convey what you wanted effectively - well done.
I think I mostly like it because I can relate to it so much. Like most people are literally how you described them, perfect and most people just see flaws in themselves. But then again, I don't go round telling everyone my flaws, so to them, maybe I'm one of those "perfect" people - I think this is the same for most people and I think it's what you were trying to convey.
I also liked the whole pretense thing and how to make sure your life is not a lie. It's just really hard to make sure you're not lying to yourself or other people I guess. I like how you said "golly, I still feel left out!" - because it's so true but maybe you could take out the "golly" to make it more serious.
Anyway, great poem and keep writing.
Tick tock
Thanks for your review. And, I used "Golly" to make it sound less serious! XD
No problem. Oh right! Sorry
No need to be! XD