It's a familiar story
the tale of the wolf and the rabbit
rabbit runs
wolf advances
wolf prowls
rabbit prances
rabbit hides
wolf lurks
wolf spies
rabbit's ears perk
rabbit spots
wolf leaps
wolf chases
rabbit screeches
rabbit runs
rabbit hides
wolf approaches
rabbit cries
rabbit dies
the rabbit did nothing wrong
did not but sing a sorrowful song
when the wolf came along
and now rabbit sits in the redenning flood
for nobody on earth can stop
that wolf's thirst for blood
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello crissymarx!
Nice poem! It clearly describes the relationship between the wolf and the rabbit, whilst all being true. And the last lines
Give it a bit of an eerie feel. There are some words that if you changed it would flow better, such as:
I think it would sound better if it was "Now the rabbit sits in its reddening flood." But after all, you're the boss, it's your work.
~Kelpies.
First of all, you spelled "reddening" wrong. That doesn't really matter, though. Just a tiny error. I didn't particularly think this got the point across: "It's a familiar story the tale of the wolf and the rabbit". You never told us much except what happened to the rabbit, which signals to me that you made this poem very quickly, not bothering to edit it. Everyone does that at least once in their life, and I won't judge you for that. Other than that, everything seemed okay to me.
Thank you for your help!
You're welcome!
Hey, yo, Crissymarx! Strangelove here and I have a quick review for you!
I wasn't the biggest fan of this poem for a couple of reasons. I mean, it had a great flow. There was no pit stops in the middle of it. You kept it like a river, just going through (for the most part, but I'll address that later). It was solid (for the most part), and the idea was simple.
Problem is, you relied on repetitiveness. For example, you break into this whole part about the wolf. I understand that you needed to get the point across, but it got tiring near the end. The flow ended up breaking up near the middle, just went over the rocks and went on. It lost my interest there, but it got gained back.
Overall, good job.
(sorry for this short review, by the way. I usually tend to do a thousand characters, but it is getting late)
Thank you for your advice!
Simple but powerful. The pattern you used was disrupted on lines 15-17 and it kind of threw me off. But I know that writing doesn't always fit perfect patterns so if you can't fix it, you can't fix it.
I really loved the back and forth flow but not as much as the last chunk. The last two lines were my favorite
One quick fix: it's reddening, not redenning
Thank you for the comment! And grr I knew it was reddening thank you