They say only fools fall in love
so an idiot I am
to have fallen in love so young
and so fast
and so without a glance back.
Love's tragic ocean
has followed me around
for years
and I have stayed above water
because I will marry him
eventually.
I have known him for years
he is my friend
my brother
my partner in crime
and so I stay afloat
because I will marry him
eventually.
I have seen others drown in love
I have heard their screams.
They tried to cross the ocean
but then failed and stayed forever
on the sandy floor.
I wait for the day when his loved ones
will make it across
and he will await with open arms.
But the day is yet to come.
And so my heart beats on
and I dodge every wave
closer and closer
until one day
the sea will part
and he will give his heart
to me
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Love this a lot, it's so beautiful, and I can really relate to it.
nice job.
Thank you very much!
Aw... This is so touching. It warms my heart and for that I give you a thumbs up. To make it even better, here are a few things.
This whole poem is in one big stanza, but it would be better if you divide them different stanzas. Also, you are missing commas and periods after each line. Some lines don't really make sense for you to split them like
"Love's tragic ocean
has followed me
for years..."
It could be split the lines differently and make it rhyme. Plus, in the beginning, I see the meaning in the words, but it is hard for the reader to picture the image and get the metaphor that well. We see the ocean but what are you doing in the ocean, you see? Perhaps you can add something for that too.
But overall, I think your story is very sweet and I really like it! Keep it up!
~ LuckyPanda
Thanks for the advice!
Hey!!
So, I loved the introduction [the first two lines.]
I also see that not many people have commented/reviewed. Well, I'm not one of them!
Anyway, I really love the metaphor that was constantly being used in this! I love the fact that you basically based the poem around that topic/metaphor! This poem was really interesting. In a good - no, great!! - way!
I can tell the feelings of the author as they were writing this. You did perfectly! This poem could not have been any better.
Also, on the last line. The very last line, "to me". I believe that this may be a little excessive. Maybe just take it out. My advice.
Well,
Keep writing!! [You have potential!],
~Tiff
Thank you!
This is really pretty! I really like it; I can tell you speak from experience. Good job! I can find only a few things you should fix.
Firstly, there is a lack of capitalization throughout this. I can tell where you mean to have a stanza because it is capitalized, but in poetry, I believe every line is supposed to be capitalized.
Also, you lack multiple commas and a period at the end.
"Closer and closer,
Until one day
The sea will part
And he will give his heart
To me."
I really love this, actually. Your metaphors are awesome! I have a tip on stanza-making though. Put a period where you want your space to be and use the tab button to put it at the end of the page, so no one notices it. That's all I've got for you! Good job! I enjoyed this! Keep writing!
Racket ^.^
Thank you!
Welcome!