No parking
no smoking
no soliciting
no bullying
no yelling
no jumping
no running
no crying
no J-walking
no texting
no talking
no exiting
no line-cutting
no pushing
no shoving
no
no
NO!
It's about time we give this world a "YES!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
This reminds me of a piece by a poet I like, called "No ball games etc." The message conveyed seems highly similar, although the structure is greatly different.
This moves me onto my main point, that is your duel structure seems to me to be a little jarring. To my mind you have written this piece in two opposingly styles, the first half seems broken up, to convey meaning. However you discontinue this for the last line, which is what I'm getting at. It would be simple to convert it to something that fitted more with the rest of the poem, something like
"Why
Not
"Yes?""
if you see what I mean.
The other thing I would comment on would be the title: It seems rather bland and undescriptive of the work, and just playing around with it might make it seem a little more mystical, something like "No (Insert Verb Here)", or just play around with it at least.
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend!
This poem truly brings to light the truth of our lives, right from our birth, we are told not to cry, not to play with fire, not this, not that!!! How many times have we heard a 'yes'? Truly this world needs a big fat 'YES!' Your poem clearly brings out the message of stopping negativity. The entire world needs to read this poem. I just loved the poem and I'd just like to say one thing - there is always a yin to every yang, if there is light, there will always be darkness (which is nothing but absence of light), everything in our world is created with opposites.....
Anyway, I hope you keep writing such beautiful stuff!!!
I like this. I had to get used to it. But I really like. It explains how much we are told "no." And how limited we are. I feel like this is just really down to earth and explains how so many people feel. We are constantly limited to the rules, and you explained it perfectly. Awesome job. It was unique.