Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Marble Hornets fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1275. Marble Hornets is an analog YouTube horror show created by Troy Wagner that ran from 2009-2014. Yes, it’s still available on YouTube. You can watch it if you want! I try to keep things as canon as possible, so yes, this is Jay’s actual death scene, except I put in the ship Jay x Tim. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!*
Jay panted as he sat on the ground, one hand holding the camera, still recording, while the other hand was bleeding. Bleeding from Alex’s bullet.
No, his hand wasn’t bleeding. His stomach was. His hand was just holding the wound, trying to stop the bleeding.
Jay had tried everything. At least, he thought that he did. He recorded all that was going on, he wanted nothing more than the answer as to Alex’s disappearance, but then, he found that Alex might have disappeared for a good reason, that The Operator’s hold on him was too strong for Alex to be saved, that…
But there was Tim. Tim had faced The Operator before. He knew what The Operator was capable of and at first, he didn’t want to help, but then he did. He was there with Jay. He opened up to Jay. He was going to help Jay stop it all, put an end to the chaos, make sense of the madness, keep away the dark…
Tim lied about Jessica, though. He took her away into the woods with that hooded guy. He knew where she was the whole time and he didn’t tell Jay any of it at all. Jay should have never trusted him, he-
But Tim had a reason to lie, just like Jay did. Tim wouldn’t have remembered what he had done while he was wearing his mask and he wasn’t even trying to kill Jessica, Jay was sure of that. He wouldn’t. He just wouldn’t. He took her away from that hotel to help her, to ensure that she escaped.
He also didn’t want Jay to know about that video tape because he didn’t want Jay to be in danger. He said so himself, that if he went to look for Jessica, then The Operator would find him and come for him. That was why Tim kept it from him, tied him up in his house. To keep him safe. To keep him alive.
The hooded man had broken into Tim’s house and threw a knife towards Jay. With much difficulty, Jay had cut himself free and went to the closed-down school where Alex was, to stop it all, but what did he get?
Shot. Alex shot him. Tim had warned Jay to stay away and he didn’t listen. He was fueled by anger, betrayal and broken-heartedness, his head swimming with sorrowful, rage-tinted thoughts and he had paid the price for it. He thought that he was doing everything right, but no, Alex still won.
Not Alex. The Operator. The Operator was the one causing all of the malevolence. All of that time Jay and Tim wanted to pin the blame on others, when, in reality, Alex was merely a puppet being pulled by The Operator’s strings. They had all failed to stop the evil, to work together…
Why did Jay come over to Tim’s house and attempt to attack him? Why didn’t he listen to Tim when he said not to look at the tape? Why did he lash out when they could have worked together?
As The Operator began to materialize before Jay, tears began to well in his eyes, for the time he spent blaming Tim was time he could have spent finding ways to kill Alex, to sever the ties The Operator had with reality, to then maybe think of the future they could have together, to rebuild something beautiful from the ashes of a forsaken past.
But Jay couldn’t scream and no one was there to save him.
He’d die alone.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I know I know, it is free to watch… but I seem to never find the time to watch anything but Starcraft Videos while I eat my lunch @.@ So forgive me for not immersing myself in the culture. I like writing and reading way more than watching videos anyway XD
Oh what an end! What a powerful end! That is perfect!Oh I like that he’s so out of it, he has to internally correct himself on where he’s been bleeding from! That is rly immersive!
I also like the recap you give, it feels v in character or at least it doesn’t feel like your usual narration and it is the appropriate time for Jay to think back on all that he tried before.
I feel like, especially when you’re not writing from the POV of children that your writing is a bit too simplistic. That it could use more variety in sentence structure and wording.
In isolation, these sentences structured like this would be powerful for emphasis f.e. but viewed in context with the rest of the chapter, they are more a symptom of your lack of range: “he didn’t want to help, but then he did. He was there with Jay.“
I especially like “but then he did” in isolation because it would be a cool way to show, in a simple wording for a simple truth, that he changed over the course of the story/that he was capable of changing his mind. But when everything is kinda this simple then this cool moment is swallowed up by the rest of the writing and doesn’t stand out anymore. Do you get what I mean?
I like how Jason teethers between making excuses for Tim and wondering if he’s making excuses for Tim. I rly feel for him here... Poor guy ☹
And I really like that he comes to this conclusion: “They had all failed to stop the evil, to work together…“ I think you narrated that pretty well so even I understood why he came to that realization. Well done!
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Thx for your review and your advice!