Young Writers Society

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Ah this was an ideal situations we can find people in.

From what I understand, the story is about understanding love. I do have to say that the girl is in a pitiful condition. Though she loves him, she can't confess her love to him. If I am not very wrong, she actually wants him to understand that shebloves him but hm... He is not even in the verge of understanding her love.

He perhaps is quite busy with his own life and other things that he simply haven't noticed her love. Okay, we are in a dilemma sort of situation here. Like neither of them can be blamed. A person can indeed be busy with their life, maybe the girl simply doesn't show her love in front of him. How can he understand it then? I don't think he loves her, so it's a bit difficult to understand.

I really liked the position you set for him. It was a really good thing that the girl saw him as someone special, as someone who is completely different from others. This can indirectly mean that the girl saw herslef as a special person too. I am a bit interested in knowing the traits of this person, if any.

One thing that caught my attention is the repetitive nature of the story. If you re-read the story, you will understand this point very clearly. Like throughout the story, you kept on repeating the very same things, perhaps adding one or two new lines with a different idea. I think the repetitiveness can be avoided by cutting out those sentences. Overall, a pretty good and a realistic story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Hey there

I haven't really read anything on here in a while, but this caught my eye and after a little read I realised how much I miss the stories on YWS. It's amazing to think how much talent there is on here. The 'real' world is totally missing out.

As dogs has said, I think the overall story is cute and the way you've written it is great. I agree with the point made about the exclamation marks. I doesn't really fit in with how the rest of it's written and the suggestion made to rectify it is great.

I do have a couple of points I want to make.

First is the way you repeat that she's accepted 'it' in the first few paragraphs. It just didn't sit right with me. Sometimes if you repeat something, it's almost like you're trying to get someone to notice it. Here, by having her repeat that she's accepted that they might not be together, it's almost like she's saying that she hasn't accepted it. It's like when someone's crying and they keep saying 'I'm fine'. It's obvious that they're not, and the more they say it, the less you believe them. It's just my opinion, but if you did want to clear it up, it would just be a case of taking out one of the instances where she 'accepts it'.

The other thing I'd like more information on is their relationship. I love the POV switch at the end and it made for a great twist, but part of me wants to know why they think they both think the other doesn't notice them. All the way through reading this I read it that she was in love with her best friend. That could just be the way I've interpreted it, but I think it's a good look for the story. Course, it's your story so you have the power to map out how we see their relationship, but I'm not quite sure how some of what she's saying can make sense if she doesn't know him that well. Say, if he was just the guy she sits next to in English. Or if he's just the guy she stares at at lunch. If they're friends, however, then I can understand why she'd be scared to tell him the truth. She wouldn't want to ruin what she already has. If he is just the guy from English, however, then what does she have to lose by telling him? Apart from the possibility of rejection, not a lot.

Sorry if this seems like a load of unintelligent babble, but I've been writing all day so now I feel like editing. That doesn't make much sense either, but I hope this review helps

xDudettex

Rose!!!!!!!!!! Its been too long! So because you are such an amazing writing and I absolutely am in love with your writing I have to be extra harsh and picky just to actually find anything wrong! I only have minor problems:

"Blissful unawareness"

In terms of writing I think "Unawareness" is a little out of place here in this line, try looking it up in a thesaurus and find a synonym.

So in the first paragraph you do a good job of setting and already establishing how she loves this guy and how she accepts it. (In my short story reviews I go through and pick up minor problems first and then give an overview at the end)

Now I love the second paragraph especially because firstly it establishes that he is different from all the other normal guys that all the girls swoon over. But thats not the big reason that really made me like this, I love the imagery you use and especially how you point out tiny little things he does. These are just such tiny things that no one would really pick up except her which really help sets the "scene".

The third paragraph is good. it continues the plot well and I like how it shows her kind of "balance" she treads between missing him deeply and feeling pain without him but at the same time accepting it. That is a very difficult balance and conflictioin between one's self to convey. My only criticism is when you say: "and he didn't know! He didn't know!". This line bugs me a lot because firstly it is very repetitive and secondly it totally throws off her character that you establish in the 4th paragraph. She is shy. She is heartfelt about this guy and when I read that line I almost feel like she is shouting. I kinda see this as like a monologue and in this monologue I think this is the point where she shows how deeply she feels for him. In writing just a simple fixing, maybe try something like: "and he didn't know. He didn't even know." No exclamation points. It is such a tiny tiny tinnnny thing I know but to me at least it will make a huge difference.

Ok so the 4th paragraph you use well, I love the vocab you use here and this is where we really start seeing some backbone from here and you are really developing the character extremely well. Excellent job.

5th paragraph... I love it, love it, love it! Just that imagery is so beautiful. Absolutely perfect, this is your amazing poetic skills seeping into this paragraph. Stories with this kind of imagery is what makes the story so good. props 2 you on that one.

6th paragraph, again very good. Great imagery and I love how you continue to establish how it is weak and "deceptive" but it was real to her and that is very strong. It also furthers her character very well because it shows us that there is a little layer of desperation within her, or at least thats how I see it. Whether this desperation is for him because she is just desperate for someone or because she is desperate for him and how much she loves him is up to the reader to decide, I think it's the second one to be honest.

7th paragraph (I don't really know what to call it now lol, not really a paragraph but too long to be a line. Lets just stick with paragraph) Now here is an amazing perception switch, on a dime you switch into the mans head and how he is in love with this girl and how they are hopeless star-crossed-lovers that think they don't notice each other. That is brilliant. And then you have a very strong ending which I really like.

Rose, I love you writing so much. Everything you write is so beautiful. I had 2 be extra harsh on this because it was so good. I could barely even find anything wrong!!!!! All and all this is definitely a great piece. You should make this into a monologue and then act it! (if you can act that is) Thats what I sometimes do in these style of stories. Anywho all and all really great writing, please never stop! Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh