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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello!
This was very well written. There was a lot of emotion, and your descriptions and imagery were both very good, very vivid. However (there's always a however. Or a but. Only it's not good grammar to start a sentence with but.) I did think you went a bit overboard at times, and instead of being tender and touching, your language became too sentimental. Saccharine.
Like here:
It's a bit cloying. Likening a dead sibling to an angel is treading the line already, but you managed to avoid pools of sap up until this sentence, which was too much. OTT. Crystal tears, beautiful angel eyes, white cheeks, gentle voice... it's too much. It loses its power, the power of simplicity, and it feels like your're milking it. Don't milk it. Leave it alone. Trim down some of the sentiment, and I think this will be a lot stronger. Strength in simplicity. Let the words and the obvious emotion here do the talking; don't choke it with purple prose.
PM me if you have any questions!
-twit
All in all, this was a touchy piece and the emotions flowed through. Imma say, very good work. The lexis, grammar, punctuation and syntax were well done.
The only part that I think needs a bit alteration is the last one: "My name is Rose. You were supposed to...."
You have already mentioned earlier that she was going to get your name and according to me, you could have rather ended your piece saying, "...where I wasn't able to hug you."
It just seems like you've written the last paragraph just for the sake of it and it's a bland elongation without which the whole piece would've been stronger and more expressive. It just doesn't fit in with the rest because the rest of it is expressed far more beautifully. Or you can replace the para somewhere else.
If you have any questions, you're more than welcome to ask.
-Sam.