Later that day, I was walking home when an ominous feeling suddenly struck me, too powerful for me to ignore.
I froze, pulse hammering, and scoured my surroundings. Nothing was there. Everything seemed normal; not a single passerby even glanced my way.
Did I imagine it?
At a loss – yet my body seeming to move on its own accord – I turned towards an alley between two buildings and stared into the shadowy corner. It housed trash bins and broken glass, with a couple windows sealed shut on the buildings’ walls, before the path sloped down and swerved right. I couldn’t see beyond that.
“Sarah…” A raspy voice called.
Every hair on the back of my neck rose.
“W-who’s there?” Fearful, I took a step back.
“Come here, Sarah… please…”
The voice sounded ancient and magical, its syllables croaky. It carried wisdom in its words.
Lured by curiosity, I finally made my way down and right, after a few minutes of hesitating. At the turn, though, I activated my time-freezing spell just in case.
Who was it? Why did I feel so drawn to that voice?
My shoes crunched on the pieces of glass and rubbish on the ground.
“Hello…?” I peeked my head out from around the corner.
Thump, thump. It sounded like a heartbeat, but it wasn’t mine. Thump, thump.
I saw something like a birdcage at the end of the alley, crafted from silver-color metal. The cage lay collapsed on a pile of trash, and the bars were dented and disfigured, as if something had tried to bend it.
Inside it was a floating ball of spiky blue light, trapped.
Confused, I took a step forward to…
THWACK!!
The ball of light abruptly moved and rammed against the cage bars in my direction, so harshly that I heard a bang of metal. I leapt back, my heart in my throat. That thing was alive?!
The light bulged against the dented bars, its glow twitching wildly, almost like an eye scanning around. Then finally…
“Sarah~!”
My name again. The voice was feminine and angelic with an Asian accent.
“Can you hear me?”
But beneath her high-flying voice, I heard a tsunami of different voices. Mumbles of dissent, calls of questioning – a buzz of discussion. All coming from the light, like the background noises of a crowded building.
This was no ordinary, manmade thing. It pulsed with magic.
Droplets of coldness ran down my spine. I was open-mouthed and shaken.
But whatever it is, I told myself, there’s no harm in listening, right?
Besides, it was locked in.
“W-who are you?” I mustered the courage to ask again. The lilting voice replied in another language, yet I somehow understood.
“My name is Laza’veya. I’ve been unfairly imprisoned here.”
Its voice was like the barest tendril of wind haunting the eaves. Then it switched to another language and continued in a firm, different voice.
”But I am here to help you.”
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
My sister was dying. She didn’t have much time left to live.
It was 2 am, yet I laid awake in bed. Finally I sat up and bent over, splaying a hand over my face until my eyes could only see slivers of light between my fingers.
I couldn’t sleep, and my head ached like it was about to split apart.
Had Laza’veya spoken the truth? I was still in disbelief. When the light first explained, I’d dismissed its words as a lie and ran. I even dared to unfreeze time and ask a stranger for help, but as I soon realized, flicking my spell on and off, the light was only visible to me when time was frozen. Clearly, only magic users could see it. According to Laza’veya, it had been visible to Lina years ago when she first used her powers, too – had even spoke with her – and that was how it knew about her curse.
She was ill, “poisoned” by a curse. It was killing her little by little – and soon, the poison would spread and eventually destroy her.
That was the reason she was always slowing time. To delay the curse and buy herself a little more time before she…
Still, I refused to believe it. I had enough wits about me to avoid trusting that strange light. So the next day, I decided to ask Lina in person.
But deep inside, I doubted her, too.
After the school day was over, I met up with Lina in a corner of my school’s sports field. Right now, it was deserted, and the ocean of grass stretched far and wide around us.
“Someone told me…” I began. “That you can’t be in a place where time passes normally or quickly. Because of some curse.”
I swallowed. “And they said you’re already unwell because of it, right?! The curse is gradually killing you because slowing time is not enough!”
I paused, surprised. There was shock reflected in Lina’s gaze, yet it wasn’t from bafflement. It was dismay.
“Lina?” I asked fearfully, barely louder than a whisper. “It’s… true?”
“No, wait.” The panic in her voice made my heart plummet. “W-who told you this? Was it Laza’veya?” She said the name sharply with dread. “Tell me, where is it now?!”
I barely heard her. All I could think was, I’d been right, and the light had told the truth.
“Why?” I whispered, tears surging to my eyes. “Just how? Is the curse really going to kill you…?”
Our surroundings were bleached in a decaying yellow. A wave of dizziness was crashing over me. My spell flickered on and off. I thought I glimpsed a strange glow like Laza’veya’s light in my peripheral vision, but surely, it wasn’t real.
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I cried out.
Lina was saying something, but I couldn’t hear at all.
This couldn’t happen – not when we’d just reunited after so long. I don’t want to be alone. Not again…
I closed my eyes, feeling sick. Electric splashes of color burst beneath my eyelids, until strangely, all the colors vanished, replaced by a null darkness and silence.
Then suddenly, my consciousness broke away.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Hours later, I woke up safely in my school’s office. Lina did not come to visit me the next few days.
It’s true, I realized with dread. She’d been hiding it from me all this time, and she’s still trying to.
Laza’veya had told the truth.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
As soon as I recovered, I did two things:
“You did the right thing,” it said after some time. “You deserve to know the truth, unlike what Lina believes. She lets her fears guide her heart too much.”
Then Laza’veya’s voice changed. If I hadn’t grown used to it, I would’ve thought another person was speaking.
“Sarah, you’re the only one who can save her now.”
I was glad to hear it. Laza’veya’s words bolstered me forward. According to Laza’veya, it was a spirit sent to monitor us and our powers – which somewhat made sense. Our powers had always seemed out of this world.
In this world, time flowed like a river with fast currents. When that happened, Lina’s curse moved closer to completion. We could only slow the currents, as Lina did – or freeze it entirely, using my spell.
I could do that. With more practice and Laza’veya’s guidance, I could freeze time for longer. If I succeeded, it’d be long enough for Laza’veya to act and find a way to break her curse. That was the plan. I wasn’t sure exactly what Laza’veya could do, but its presence alone emitted power. That I knew for sure, so I was willing to try and depend on it.
Respectfully, I lifted the birdcage from its side and let it stand upright in the corner.
“Thanks,” I told Laza’veya with a smile. “You know, I think you’ve given me more answers than Lina ever has…”
I trailed off, suddenly bitter with disappointment. Yes, that was true. Somehow, this odd spirit had more faith in me than my own sister. And in turn, it deserved my trust more than she did.
Why did she keep hiding everything from me? Sadness raised tears to my eyes, but I blinked them away.
I wasn’t afraid. Surely our plan would work, and I could save Lina without needing to question her. This time, I would solve things my own way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Two for One ain't bad, right? Let's get to it.
Maybe it's just me, but reading raspy did not make me think of magical in nature, although perhaps ancient haha I just got two different voices in my head of what the orb was supposed to sound like.One thing that you may want to keep in mind if you intend to do more short stories, is that depending on how you format them outside of YWS, your breaks in parts may be much more jarring. In a book, it makes sense when time jumps because there's a full break in the story. However, depending on how you intend to have this read, the transition from parts 2 to 3 is very abrupt (as I am reading these parts back-to-back it really stood out). If you would still want them to read in a novella style where you have chapters anyway, disregard all of that.
As for the rest, I have some comments on your prose in this chapter. It felt a bit rushed for the amount of information and emotional ground we cover, so let's take a look at that.
The bold section felt wordy to me. Do we need moved AND rammed? I would go with rammed as it's the stronger imagery of the two. Also, did Sarah not SEE it happen? Because it says she heard a bang of metal, but she obviously can see the birdcage since she just described it. I would consider modifying that sentence to something like "The ball of light abruptly rammed against the cage in my direction. The sudden movement and loud clang forced an involuntary leap as my heart sprung in my throat."
There are some more specific quotes but I don't want to bombard you with all of them if this isn't a piece you intend to spend a ton more time with. I will say that the sudden bullet points seemed out of place, and I was curious if Sarah is simply leaving an invoice, or if she actually called her parents. If she DID call her parents that seems like a scene we need to see because it would be incredibly high and emotions would be all over the place.
I'm not trusting the blue orb of help tbh. Seems like Lina just doesn't know who to have in her corner and is in a really bad spot, and you've done a good job of getting that across. Of course, Sarah is young and so making mistakes about who to trust is realistic. Anyway, I guess I'll have to see for myself. Hopefully, this helped.
~Messy
Hello! I see this is a continuation of your delightful story. Will be making up my review as I read so pardon if my grammar will be off.
Well, that’s an interesting way to start the chapter. Usually, jumping right into the action hooks my attention for a specific chapter. It is a good start to capture your audience into the story immediately. You know what they always say, the beginning and ending of a story tends to matter the most.
I like how you describe the bone-chilling ominous feeling of your main character. My suggestion is to add more vivid descriptions to not only help the reader relate more, but also to add suspense to your story.
Oooh, who is this mysterious person? Your descriptions of her voice seem to entice us more into reading the story. What could this magical, perhaps evil, being be?
I like that interesting note you put there.
It’s straightforward, but drives the point home. You didn’t put any unnecessary words and went straight to the point. That’s an important aspect in writing. Knowing when to keep the tension and suspense and knowing when to release the information right into the reader’s face. You did it quite well here.
Laza’veya’s introductions seems suspicious. For someone who claims to help, why does Sarah feel a sense of ominousness and danger. If she was good, Sarah wouldn’t have felt so scared. Well, I mean she may have felt scared. But still, she wouldn’t feel it was too ominous. Anyways hahaha moving on
The shift from “I’m here to help you” to “My sister was dying” is a sudden but attention-grasping change. It’s good that you were able to coherently explain how she retrieved that information and how it related to the weird magic blue ball. It also makes sense why her sister keeps slowing down time. I applaud you for being able to tie up thing together in a story. It’s not easy to do and you did it well here
Oh what a poor predicament our main character is in! At some point, most people will be able to relate to this feeling, not knowing who to trust anymore.
Alright now that’s she has confronted her sister and this happens. I’m afraid Sarah would put too much trust on Laza’veya. After all, most manipulators would start with a truth to lure people in and control them. I just have this bad feeling about the magic ball.
The last scene shows Sarah wanting to take things into her own hands. I admire her assertiveness and initiative. But I fear for her because she is inexperienced. Surely, there's a reason her sister did not divulge this information immediately. AND surely, Laza'veya has some ulterior motive for speaking with Sarah as she said. Sarah gave more answers than Lina. (obviously because Sarah is more naive) But I can't wait to see how this goes! It's evidently reaching a climax.
Overall, great job! Keep your writing up because I admire how you write your story.
This is alpacaboss, signing off.
Tysm!
Hello! This is a random weirdo here to review.
First of all, I just want to say how much I'm enjoying this, and I can't wait to read more when it comes out! I just read all of the parts you have so far, and I've been hooked since the beginning.
There's only one part that I found a bit confusing.
After that you explain where Sarah is and what she's thinking about. My first thought was Oh no! Is Line in the hospital? How did this happen??! I didn't realize this was an ongoing problem, and was something Sarah had just discovered. If you want to change it, I'd suggest adding something like, "At least, that's what Laza'veya told me," or something similar.
I can tell this is gonna get good... I don't know about you, but Laza'veya sounds very suspicious... I don't think I trust it. I can't wait to see where this goes!
Have an amazing day/night/afternoon/morning/any other time you read this! Remember, take what you like and leave the rest.
Tysm for reading and leaving a review!!