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141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Channeling a little bit of the Kiera Knightly Pride and Prejudice, you are. haha.
That said, the first thing I want out of this poem is less adjectives. The ardently and fervently stuck out to me, but then the "shamefully and carelessly" started to bug me to. I know there aren't a lot of synonyms for love, but the thing with adjectives is that there's usually a better base word to use. Like if you said, "said loudly", that would be changed to "shouted". You can use adored to get a different dimension of love, but I'd even recommend trying to see how non-traditional words would work for you. "For the boy who dreamed me". "For the boy who grew me". "For the boy who raised me". "For the boy who flew me". In addition, I notice quickly that the first two stanzas' openings are the same (and powerful! I love that: without words), but the second two change? They are noticeably more weak.
Anyway, so to your question about the sequence, I'd say this poem only needs two stanzas. Maybe three. Most of your last two stanzas are fluff, trying to drag out the main meaning. The main meaning in stanza three is: our hearts met and you can't forget. The main meaning in four is: "Thank you". You can squeeze that in with number two, I think.
Maybe:
See? It's pretty easy to slip those main meanings in somewhere. Maybe it's not quite how you'll want it, so you can still play around with it, but that's my opinion.
The first stanza is, really, very strong. I love the opening, and each gesture is clear. The one thing I might like to see is a quick sight of this boy. It would just serve as an anchor, if we were able to see the face where these actions are being performed, you know?
Well, PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please. Good luck, and keep writing!
You've got a really nice theme going on. The writing really conveys the haunting, and nostalgic quality of the writer's thoughts.
I really liked the fact that you didn't resort to stupid rhymes to make your poem stand out; unfortunately, that is not the case for most other poems like this.
It's a bit clichèd; and I know this is coming from me, who is, like, the queen of clichès sometimes, but still, I think you can put in more colour. This poem is very 'oh, woe is me,' and plays out like any other sad poem about lost love. I know that it's hard, but bring in something new (I'm sorry if this is based on personal circumstances; in that case, ignore me) and instead of being 'this poem is kinda nice', I'll probably wax poetic about your writing prowess. Add more imagery, and maybe put in an ironic twist to add a little spice to this tried and tested poetry trope.
Keep Writing.
Sherlock
Hey there,
I find this poem intriguing because it reminds me of how I started out in writing romantic poetry a couple of years ago. You've got some solid basis and what you're writing is clearly emotive. The only problem is with the way it is dictated. There's something about the first stanza especially which feels a little awkward. Personally it's the last few lines...
The final line sounds very abrupt and I don't know who you're trying to ask the question, even if it is rhetorical. Perhaps it is to convey you or the character in your poem is unsure, but it doesn't come across as such. It stands out and the image before which is so wonderfully romantic is completely swayed. Also, I find myself asking - what pain? why? You haven't alluded to any pain - perhaps the suggestion of unknowing in your rhetorical question was meant to justify this... I'd give it an extra stanza or some development to fully convey your emotions without telling me in an awkward final line. Having said that, your grasp of imagery in the first stanza is very well handled and appeals to soft hearts like mine!
Addressing your author's note, I kind of enjoy how the stanzas get smaller as the poem goes on. It's as if you're homing in on something which is exactly what is reflected in your poem's content also. So this works quite well. Structure wise I wouldn't say there was any issue with your work.
I do find it odd how you go from
to
For a clear romantic poem the "a" article is far too generalised. If you're coming at this from the emotive imagery sensations your first and second stanza imply, and the third stanza's explicit personal reference, I'd say stick with the definite article "the". It sounds more at home with your style of poetry here.
Anyway, keep working on it and feel free to ask me questions.
Keep writing,
Ben