A/N: I don't think this needs much premise, but I wanted to say hello! This is just the result of about 20 minute's worth of venting last night. So yes, it's personal. But it is still poetry, and there is still room to improve. Hope you enjoy, and any kind of feedback is more than appreciated!
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But after it had all past
Even when no one was left
But she and him,
She never cried
So he never tried
To make sure that she
Was all right
Because he saw no
Cuts on her wrists, no
Tearstains on her shirts, no
Wounds on her fists
From battling the devils and demons that
No one but she could see.
And so, he left, too
Because there was nothing left
Of her, of him—by extension, of them
He discovered too late that
The dimming light in her eyes
The weakening of her smile
The hesitance and the half-fear of her touch
Were the tells of a dead girl.
What he couldn’t see
What they didn’t know
What she wouldn’t say
Was that she was
An odious, tawdry caricature
A vacant, stony shell
A brittle, withering corpse
Of a woman once capable of
Living
Vibrantly.
What he will never see
What they will never know
What she will never tell
Is the story
Of how
Of when, and
By whom
She was beaten
And left
For dead.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey, gummiebaerrs! Euph here to review your poem. c:
Let me just start off by saying that I love the clear set emotion through this poem.
I must say, though I found your structure intriguing and different, I was a tad confused by the excessive indenting.
For starters, I feel that the 'but' in the first line of the first stanza is pointless, and makes the reader feel as though they missed something, which is a very discouraging feeling to have the very moment that you start to read something. Also, I feel when you say 'So he never tried / To make sure she was alright" it should be one continuous line. The split is unnecessary.
Other than that, I must say that this piece is rather breathtaking, and one of my favorites. Your word choice and flow for the second half of the poem was exquisite. No complaints.
With a few tweaks, this poem has truly great potential! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph
This is breathtaking. But for all it's wondrousness, it needs a little tweaking.
I'm not sure how I feel about the formatting. It's a little odd, to say the least. In fact, I think it detracted from the poem and it would have been so much better if you had just arranged them in proper stanzas.
Also, because of the odd arrangement of stanzas, the punctuation was a little off.
But other than that, this was a really beautiful poem. Loved the sort of eery emotive feel of the whole thing. You make me wish I wrote like this.
I like it, I haven't seen a poem in this format before. I thought it would have been cool if the stanza's with the word "left" in them could be shifted to the left instead of the right... that's my inherent cheesy-ness talking! Take it or leave it, haha...
My favourite line was:
I like how the emotions are so sharp and tangible... it is not clear whether it's metaphorical or literal, but nonetheless you get to feel the tragedy of being misunderstood.
Well done!
Hey!
The sadness and pain behind the poem was heart touching. The flow of the poem was beautiful and enticing. Nice work.
Yo! I'm Lumi, and I like to eat poetry. That said, let's see if we can season this up a bit.
You have a very interesting, propellant momentum set up in the shortness of the lines, and by proxy, the connectedness of the entire poem (stanza to stanza to stanza). Your breaks, though, I think could use some revision. While momentum is cool, and is no doubt done intentionally, you nearly establish a rhythm that detaches the reader from the depth of emotion you try to display here.
Imagine reading a story about a girl dying of cancer, only the words kept turning pink and sprouting dandelions. I consider these things similar.
There are places where your rhythm needs praise:
On the contrary, there are several places where you can greatly increase the effect of your rhythm by eliminating words that really fall neither here nor there for the context of the piece. Foooor example:
It quickens the motion of the statement, bringing the conclusion of a very long list of wounds to a startling halt in her neurosis.
There are, also, areas where you go a bit crazy with description. I'd like to see those places reined in - at least by attempt. Words like caricature and the redundant descriptions (a vacant...withering corpse) really do nothing beneficial for your work, so I'd be cautious of them.
For now, I think that'll do. You're not new, but I haven't seen you around much, and I don't want to frighten you off. Message me if you wanna chat this up.
-Ty
Hello!
This is a sad but beautiful poem. I enjoyed reading it. I like the repetiton that you used here -What he couldn’t see
What they didn’t know
What she wouldn’t say
It makes your poem more interesting to read.
There are just two things I wanted to point out
-But after it had all past (passed?)
-But she and him, (but her and him? )
I really like the flow of the whole poem. It had a beautiful rhythym to it! Overall it was a very good poem! Nicely done! I can tell the pain behind it, as well.