Young Writers Society

Hello there Gummie! Dogs here with your review. To start I think your avatar is cute . Anywho back to the point, I think this is a good poem with a great idea. Although it still is a little unclear at times and I'm not sure what to make of it. You have a great start, describing an abstraction and sparking the readers curiosity.

"Creating what is also/
A kind of life."

Ok this is a confusing line. I think I understand what you're trying to say from it but it's a little awkwardly worded. I'd suggest say "way of life" instead of "kind." It'll help the flow. For the most part your flow is impressively good, I commend you for that.

On a side note, I'm not a fan of, in poetry, when people capitalize every single line of their poem. Of course in poetry you have the leniency to do what you will with grammar, but I think that the capitalizing just looks sloppy and boring. I don't know but for some reason look at a little more mix of capitals and lowercase letters is just visually stronger and nicer to see.

Alright so your first stanza is pretty darn good, not much for me to say there. But then you move into your next stanza and things get quick confuffled.

"But she-/ "she goes into the holes..."

Ok who is "she?" is She the life, the jagged blade you described in the beginning? If so that doesn't make any sense because then you say: "life has gouged out of us," so that question remains totally unanswered. And then you go and talk about "he" and she and he fill us and heal us. I don't know what to make of that because as the reader we have no idea who "he" or "she" is. These are things you, as a writer, need to clarify. A certain amount and air of unanswered questions is good for your writing, but not when they are such a key element to your poem. These are things that need to be answered to help the readers understanding of your poem.

All and all this is a good piece, but certainly need a little touching up in the second stanza. I like the first one though, great imagery there. Let me know if you ever need a review, Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh

This is good. However, the pest paragraph and the second paragraph don't really make sense as a whole.

The first paragraph you are talking about a kind of life, the second you are talking about healing. Which makes the message unclear and confusing. Also on the first are you talking about killing someone or what?

To me it sounds like you are alluding to the afterlife, and all the pain the person felt while they were alive is healed. You need to make that easier to comprehend. This poem is also rather short.

You have an interesting idea, I'd just suggest you work upon the message.

Hi there, Gummie.

You will be receiving my one hundredth review. Feel special (or not, haha (there were ninety-nine before you)).

This poem seems rather unfocused. I feel like you're making connections between the two stanzas, but it's not apparent to me what you're trying to say. So try to get more of your ideas out and illustrated here.

Most of the confusion I'm experiencing about the second stanza stems from "she" and "he" and why they're important enough to be italicized. You need to be more specific.

Two things:
I don't understand why you put this into spiritual. I'm not getting a particularly religious vibe from it; did you put it there because you're talking about the life of a soul?
Another thing that confuses me is why this would offend anyone. I must be missing something. I know you have all the ideas in your head, but you need to be more out there about the ideas. If I can't understand what you've got, then the poem has no point. So illustrate your ideas more plainly.

Into the tender moments,

=Hi Gummie!

I just realised how you spell your name and it's excellent. I don't know why this would offend anyone. Maybe you have a meaning here that I am just missing. I suspect I am missing something because this poem seems to have a great chunk out of it. I have no idea what is going on in the second stanza at all. I understand what we're doing, we're filling in the life with these people. But I don't know who they are and why they're she and he and not people with names and faces and fingers and toes, if you know what I mean? You've tabbed this as spiritual and I don't know if you mean spiritual in that there is an essence being filled by these unknown people or what.

What is creating a new kind of life? Is it the holes or the things taken out and why is this so confusing? I think the poem might be too short? It's just missing a whole heap of clarity and I'm not sure what you're trying to get me to see. What you have doesn't justify the confusion, sometimes poems are meant to trouble us and make us think and remove beginnings and endings. This is missing its middle; someone gutted the poem before we could get to it.

This isn't bad but I think I might be missing out on some references from the book? You don’t have to include them, but they’d definitely help the understanding of the poem. I don’t even know what the secret life of bees is about, if I’m being honest with you. I’m not looking it up because I’m mega tired. I like the quote; I like how it’s situated. I think the rest needs a bit more information and a little more fluidity in it. I want to say have fun with the poetry but if you weren't having fun, why would you bother with such a medium? I think the beginning might be boring me. Chunks are being taken out by this slippery blade of life, but we’re not getting any of that emotive language. Language like “slippery” and sharp and clandestine, these things add to the interest and skill of the poem. Right now we have the bare bones but we want more from that. We can make our own bones, you need to construct a beautiful body on it.

The capitalisation of every line doesn't help with the rhythm of the poem, what little rhythm there is. I suggest you make this longer, even thicker in the lines than what you’re used to. Give us some flashy words and some real emotion, right now I’m not feeling any of it and it’s not because of content, it’s because of presentation. We need strong, bold images in this poem I think, because the concept is strong and bold. I’d love to help however I can.

Thanks for posting. Hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.
~ Pen