Hi there, Coehl! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your poetry today. ^^
Sooo, first up, I noticed that your title is quite fitting for this poem, and I like that. Sorry if I start rambling! I'm tired and it's late for me. Anyway, I'll get right into it, shall I?
First off, I find you use of punctuation... distracting. It's not bad to have punctuation! I'm just having trouble seeing what you're trying to do with it. Like, this poem is so short to begin with and you could expand on it (I'll touch on that later), but it's your punctuation that just feels off to me. You could make this so much better if you expanded it and kept the punctuation--or lack thereof--in mind. It stunts the flow, what little flow there was, and just makes the entire poem awkward to read.
This part here trips me up every single time I read it;
I yearn to hear your voice call to me.
Your voice, sounds like a bird tweeting happily.
Not only do you repeat yourself, but it's also kind of unnecessary. Also, where's the connection?? The first line seems standalone, which you could probably make an entire stanza on its own. The second line is disjointed, disconnected, from the first. It doesn't work. And then the next line is also disconnected, and the next. Each line could be a stanza on its own.
And then I get to the last three lines. Now these. I like these. They work. It's just the "before" that trips me up here. I would suggest changing that, or rewording that part. Expanding the rest of the poem would help. Take each line, focus on it and paint a picture with your words. Right now, you're kind of just telling us these things. Which isn't a bad thing. Don't get me wrong; it just doesn't always work. Short poems are nice, when done well. This one needs a little more work put into it! I suggest trying to show the reader more than you've shown us here. It lacks some oomph, some magic... if that makes sense?
Anyways. Hope this helps! And remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Points: 12011
Reviews: 212
Donate