z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Yearning

by coehl


I yearn to hear your voice call to me.

Your voice, sounds like a bird tweeting happily.

My cheeks grow red, when I see your messy bedhead 

Every time you laugh or smile, I feel that every moment is worthwhile.

Before you leave, I want to believe,

That I can see your freckles bounce up and about again 

Before I must wait until the end .


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212 Reviews


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Reviews: 212

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Thu Feb 16, 2017 3:31 pm
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ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hi there, Coehl! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your poetry today. ^^

Sooo, first up, I noticed that your title is quite fitting for this poem, and I like that. Sorry if I start rambling! I'm tired and it's late for me. Anyway, I'll get right into it, shall I?

First off, I find you use of punctuation... distracting. It's not bad to have punctuation! I'm just having trouble seeing what you're trying to do with it. Like, this poem is so short to begin with and you could expand on it (I'll touch on that later), but it's your punctuation that just feels off to me. You could make this so much better if you expanded it and kept the punctuation--or lack thereof--in mind. It stunts the flow, what little flow there was, and just makes the entire poem awkward to read.

This part here trips me up every single time I read it;

I yearn to hear your voice call to me.
Your voice, sounds like a bird tweeting happily.


Not only do you repeat yourself, but it's also kind of unnecessary. Also, where's the connection?? The first line seems standalone, which you could probably make an entire stanza on its own. The second line is disjointed, disconnected, from the first. It doesn't work. And then the next line is also disconnected, and the next. Each line could be a stanza on its own.

And then I get to the last three lines. Now these. I like these. They work. It's just the "before" that trips me up here. I would suggest changing that, or rewording that part. Expanding the rest of the poem would help. Take each line, focus on it and paint a picture with your words. Right now, you're kind of just telling us these things. Which isn't a bad thing. Don't get me wrong; it just doesn't always work. Short poems are nice, when done well. This one needs a little more work put into it! I suggest trying to show the reader more than you've shown us here. It lacks some oomph, some magic... if that makes sense?

Anyways. Hope this helps! And remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




coehl says...


Hi Scarlett and don't worry I understand, I was typing this while I just got done studying so I understand your fatigue.
Yeah I do get your reasoning on why you might feel that the poem might be a bit disconnected, and I thank you for your advice! I'll fix it soon when I'm not as tired.



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55 Reviews


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Thu Feb 16, 2017 12:31 am
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all wrote a review...



Hello, here for a review!

I'm going to write a short review on a short poem.

I am going to comment on the rhyme scheme here because, frankly, it's not my favorite.

I yearn to hear your voice call to me.

Your voice, sounds like a bird tweeting happily.

My cheeks grow red, when I see your messy bedhead

Every time you laugh or smile, I feel that every moment is worthwhile.

Before you leave, I want to believe,

That I can see your freckles bounce up and about again

Before I must wait until the end .


It seems as if you started to rhyme aa for the first two lines and then went to branch out to rhyme "red" and "bedhead" in the same line/sentence. You have also done that for the next line rhyming "smile" and "worthwhile". Then once again with "leave" and "believe". Then I believe that you tried to rhyme "again" and "end", it doesn't really work in my mind. If it were ending in the same visual letters, maybe it could have worked.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not believe that this a rhyme scheme that really works. To help it become a better "flowing" poem, I would say to stick to one consistent rhyme scheme overall.

The way you used "before" in lines five and seven kind of defeats the purpose of a, in this case, strong word. I would use it once, preferably in the last line.

The end of this poem is a slight cliffhanger which is totally cool, I like how you have it ending on a quiet and subtle note, I will not lie, I want some more of these short, love poems. They are really nice.

Overall, you concept is fantastic and it's genuinely a great poem. I hope to read more of your works. Best of luck!




coehl says...


Ah hi dude and welcome!!!

Holy cow dude, thank you so much for the critique about the rhyme scheme. I reread it and looked into your advice and it does make sense, and yeah it doesn't seem to flow well compared to some of my other poems. Your tip was very helpful and I'll keep it in mind for many short poems coming their way.

Ah thank you it means a lot to me that you liked the supposed cliffhanger of the poem and thank you for the support!




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