You were something I had for a long time
Something I turned to, as time passed me by.
While time grew stronger
Our love became bolder.
But as we grew older,
The distance between us started to grow warmer.
My mind and soul had become inept.
I began to forget the promises that we once kept.
These figures started to ashen,
As we mindlessly started to lose compassion.
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140,720 Literary Works • 673,676 Reviews
I really like this poem! Its short, yet emotional. Good job!
Hi coehl! Loved the poem, I'm here to do a quick review for you! Let's get into this!
This line works great, but I think it could also work if you removed the word "me". It would reduce a bit of redundancy.
I think instead of saying "started to grow", you can simply say "grew". You also said "grew" in your previous line, so I think it would actually be a pretty cool repetition!
I only quote this because I think this was an amazing ending! Really good job on this one!
I honestly enjoyed this poem. It was short, sweet, and yet filled with so much emotion. I don't see that often, so I don't believe everyone has that trait. I've tried writing poetry in the past but was never good at it. I'm much better at short stories and such. Anyway, this was great! I hope to see more from you on here.
I like the rhyming here but it seems off if you were going for AABB. The first two lines don't use rhyme. Line 4 and 5 rhyme with each other, as do lines 7-8 and 9-10. I feel like you were trying for 3-4 and 5-6 to rhyme by just using the "-er" suffix but it didn't quite work for me.
I don't quite understand "the distance between us started to grow warmer." I feel if there is distance between you and something/someone you once loved, it would grow cold.
I wonder what "these figures" are. I almost feel like I'm missing the conclusion.
Your tenses here seem a bit jumbled.
I think this is a sweet poem. It seems very melancholy, which I enjoy.
Ah alright, looking into the rhyming scheme is a bit interesting.
To clarify what I was saying in the poem I wrote out : "The distance between us started to grow warmer" to put into another words like "our distance began to get heated" as in like the more distance the two people were the more "heated" or tensed it became. But I understand on why you would suggest it to "grow colder".
I need to work on clarification between languages I notice but when I mentioned the figures, I was referring to the promises in the previous line. Though I understand why you'd be confused.
Ah well thank you, I'm glad it came out melancholy, I wanted it to sound like that lol.
In general, thank you for your critique!
hey coehl,
Nice poem
Thank you!