Waiting by your bed-side
Waiting for a sign
I can't believe what's happened
With the hands of time
Tears are streaming silently
Uncontrollable and free
As I pray for your safety,
Please don't leave me
I hold your hand, it's growing cold
Your breath escapes, your tale is told
Running through the empty streets
To get away from death that creeps
My breath is short, I lose my pride
I slump dejected, by the road side
As sobbing fits take over me
My death, I breathe, is meant to be.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
BFG,
thanks, I'll work on this one a little more with all the suggestions you gave and try to repost it sometime soon. your comments really got me thinking.
--Clue.
Wow. I am in love with the line about time. It was beautiful. The last few lines of the first stanza sounded rather awkward. Overall though the rhyme scheme in the first stanza was ok. The problem though was that there was a rhyme scheme already and then there was a completely different one with the second stanza. Perhaps it would be better if you used just one of the rhymes for the whole poem. I liked this poem, though. It was really a great read and the way you use words are lovely.
This didn't draw me in that well, partly because the cliches just slid right past me, didn't even enter my ear. That's the problem with cliches; if you hear or read something too many times it loses its punch. My suggestion for getting rid of the cliches and hitting the reader even harder with your topic (this is the death of someone close to the speaker; ideally the reader should be in tears after reading this, right?) is to take your images and reword them. For example, instead of saying "Waiting by your bedside", you could describe the texture of the sheets, or the something. You could say how a nurse brought the speaker a cup of coffee that was left untouched and now is cold; that could be compared to the hand the speaker's holding, rather than just stating that it was growing cold. These are kind of lame examples I'm coming up with, but d'you get what I'm saying? I think it would make for a more interesting poem. It would also give more details about the story here. Which leads me to my next suggestion...
Clarify. I'm really lost as to what's going on in the second stanza. In the first stanza it seems pretty clear that the speaker is at the bedside of someone they love who is dying, and they're sad and in disbelief. But there's a line in there about time--
that doesn't seem to match with the rest of it. That line makes it sound like the person is dying because they're old, but the rest of the stanza--"waiting for a sign", the speaker's concern for the person's safety--make it sound more like a car accident or something. Then in the second stanza, I'm not entirely sure who is running through the streets, the speaker or the other person. The narration is still first person, but does the "tale is told" line imply a switch in who the narrator is? And if it still is the speaker, why is death creeping up on them? What pride? Why is their death inevitable just because someone else died? It has me confused.
My last suggestion is to beware the rhyme. Remember that poems don't have to rhyme. If you do want to try a rhyme scheme, good for you! Step up to the challenge! Way to go! Some hopefully helpful suggestions for this particular poem: the rhyme scheme should be the same throughout (as I see other people have noted). The rhythm has to work--watch the line lengths, count syllables, read it aloud. Try to get it exact; there's room for exceptions, but not a whole lot of room. And the rhymes should flow naturally, there shouldn't be a detour to get to them. The "death that creeps" line, for example, I would consider a pretty forced rhyme. Rhymes take time; sometimes they come right away, but most of the time there's lots of muttering and crossing things out and looking up stuff in the thesaurus.
One thing I thought was perfect about this poem was its length. I thought it was a great length for its topic--not too long-winded, not too brief.
Well, hope that helped! Keep writing, I'd love to read more of your stuff.
-BFG
i like this one too. =)
I thought it was really good^-^ Rhyming poems we're my least favorites but....your poem made me like these kind of poems XD thanks
Seen someone die lately? Yay!
Anyway I liked it. Some parts of it did seem cliche but it reminded me that death is supposed to be sad, so thumbs up from me. Haha I'm a bit of a sadist maybe a masochist too.
Hey hey Mare-ray!! I really liked this poem it flows nicely. Of course, as you read the other comments-there was a little rhyming mishap...but that's in the past, now you know.
This part of the 2nd stanza was my favorite to read. It has a good...uhm... emotional feel [i guess] and some imagery. At least for me! =]
Loved It!
_horsez919
Nice poem.
I especially liked the ending, it was by far the strongest part of the piece.
I'd have to agree about the rhyming, but to be honest if I hadn't read the reviews beforehand I wouldn't have noticed because it flowed well, nice use of words.
The only part that kinda threw me off was the uncontrollable, free line.
Great poem! Hope you post more on here!
coolness to the max. I think is one of your best poems yet. I have to agree with G to the abe though. those lines threw me of the poem bridge for a little(poem bridge?)
-the smooth criminal-
I must say. this poem was really good. I liked the flow and rhyming. I too noticed the change in rhyming structure, and have to agree that you should use the rhyming couplets throughout the piece. Other than that I only really saw a couple things that I thought needed to be changed.
I added the bold word because it makes that line flow better with the rest of the poem. When I was reading it, that one line made me stumble a bit because it felt like there was a word missing.
This line I'm not too sure about. I like it, don't get me wrong, but it just didn't seem to fit. It threw off the rhyming and also kind of threw the flow off a little too. It would be better if it was played into the poem better because right now it just seems to stick out.
Other than that, I really liked the poem. I find it well written, depressing maybe, but still well done. There's nothing wrong with a depressing poem here and there. I've actually written quite a few myself.
Well done. Keep it up.
Cool. The only part I thought was a little awkward was
"Uncontrollable, free
As I pray for your safety,
Please don't leave me"
it didn't flow very nicely and threw me off as I was reading it. It's a great poem though.
The rest of it I thought was great. Very poetic
"I hold your hand, it's growing cold
Your breath escapes, your tale is told"
"My breath is short, I lose my pride
I slump dejected, by the road side "
those ar my two favorite parts!
good job
Yeah, I'm with kris on the rhyming. I've never been a fan of inconsistent rhyming schemes myself.
That was really the only area I saw that needs improving. It's very simple and elegant and reads very smoothly. Great job!
thanks kris =]
What a beautiful poem. It was really emotive and poignant. OK so some parts of it were a little cliché but just because other people have thought them, doesn't mean that you have nicked it from them. So i give you full credit for it
1 problem though. The rhyming structure was a little off, the two stanzas had different structures. Although i would suggest you stick with the rhyming couplets used in the 2nd stanza throughout. It gives a very innocent and honest feel to the piece.
Love
Kris
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