Shards of shattered, empty memories
My vacant soul
Forever a sharp pain,
To all who tread on it.
Trickling over broken glass,
Bringing the life-renewing rain
Soothing coolness
Washing over this burning rage,
For a sweet eternity.
No more shall I be lost,
A soul among the many.
Searching, never finding,
In the abyss of the dark.
I am free.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
I totally agree with the ghost. some poems are best left unexplained. as for the poem, it was wonderful. yep.................
stay circus
-- hobbes --
i think this poem is pretty awesome. i kinda got it i think. but poems that are unexplained are the best poems. they leave the mind to think what it wants.
--grey ghost--
Hi, Clueless.
Unfortunately I have to agree with Evi about the flow. The flow isn't always essential, there are plenty of poems without flow out there, but it's a nice extra feature. Haha.
I'm a little torn about the two lines 'My vacant soul' and 'Soothing coolness'. I know you probably refer to soothing coolness of the rain, but I'm not really sure about the soul thing. If the poem had flowed more, these two lines would've broken the flow, if you know what I mean. They don't seem to fit in as well as the other lines.
You had some imagery there, which is good. However, the imagery wasn't very unique, and I also felt you were being too careful about it. All your metaphors in this poem are sweet, small, and shy. Some exaggeration is only fine, I think! You should really try to play with your mind and see how many different metaphors you can make up for one thing. Try to 'Wow!' your readers, and yourself, too. Wild experimenting with words is fun, and the success of it (that is, when you wow people and make them think) is even more fun and rewarding!
The best of luck with your writing, and see you around!
Demeter
xxx
Hey, Clueless!
But this one isn't bad for a free form poem.
That's weird to say.
Anyway, I thought this was nice. It's slightly cliched; broken and despaired turns into renewing happiness and hope. Either way, this was nice.
It has no flow, really. No rhythym, no meter, no rhyming...the emotion is conveyed, just not poetically. I, personally, just like poems that are more poem-ish.
In the first paragraph, I liked you reference to others. This makes it not all about your sadness; it adds your sadness in relation to others. Which is good. A self-centered poem (see naval-grazing) makes the reader not connect as well as when you draw connections. The last paragraph kind of did this also.
Overall, good work. See you around, and keep writing!
~Evi
Thanks Tim. =) "trickling over broken glass" is supposed to make you think of water. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough...?
Also, I'm not going ot explain it...yet. I think poems should explain themselves. But if no one gets it, then I'll defintely explain.
--Clue.
Woah. Deep. 10\10 for its deepness. Really. It touched my soul. Very creative and original and watnot... although i can't help but think it sounds strangly familiar...I really did like the "soothing coolness washing over a burning rage" part. I could just feel the soothing coolness as i read
. But eh not to be a critic or anything but... i got kinda confused about what its about 
. Like uh what exactly was "trickling over broken glass bringing life renewing rain"? But ah well maby you meant it to be mysterious? No matter maby i'm just over-looking something... Anyways Overall great poem keep up the good work! *thumbs up* 