Eagle's View
I look down, eagle's view.
Cotton balls, white as chalk
Solid as anything.
Can't see through them, hard as I try.
Everything minuscule as if
It had no importance in the world.
Golden pools, once big lakes
Now tiny mirrors of the sun.
Small as a drop of rain,
Sparkling below
But we are dry.
Soaring above it all.
Turbulence catching us in it's fist,
Like that speckling of a boat
On the lake.
Rising and falling. Up and down.
Then calm.
Droning engine
Dulls the early morning beauty
Of gushing waters and quilted mountains
Sewn together with strands of brown.
And patched with cotton balls,
White as chalk,
Solid as anything.
Can't see through them, hard as I try.
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139,441 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Your title is misspelled.
Veiw should be view.
-Kylan
Thanks so much everyone!
I don't know. Usually when my imagination doesn't switch on, but I like some of the lines, I have no idea.
It is a good beginning. I just feel too many parts are confusing.
This was actually good. Nice metaphors and Personification. There are a few small things that bothers me, but that's about it.
All and all: I think it is good. Like the idea. I just feel you must change some of the lines so that it makes a little sense what you were trying to show us.
Hope it helps.
Ookay. I may seem harsh, but please don't take it personally--it's just a crit...
Number one: 'I look down, eagle's eye' that doesn't make sense. Are you looking at the land from an eagle's viewpoint? Or are you looking at an eagle's eyeball? I don't understand...
Number two: "Cotton balls, white as chalk Solid as anything. Can't see through them, hard as I try." Again, same problem...
Number three:
"Golden pools, once big lakes
Now tiny mirrors of the sun.
Small as a drop of rain.
Rain, sparkling below
But we are dry.
Above it all.
Turbulence catching us in it's fist
Like that speckling of a boat
On the lake.
Rising and falling. Up and down.
Then calm." I love this imagery. It's so wonderful, and the whole description--but it doesn't make sense. This poem so far as I can see, doesn't tell a story or have a point--it just tells descriptions of unnamed, unknown, mysterious objects....landforms? I can't tell.
Number four: "Droning engine
Dulls the early morning beauty
Of gushing waters and quilted mountains.
Sewn together with strands of brown
And patched with cotton balls,
White as chalk.
Solid as anything.
Can't see through them, hard as I try." Okay, it starts to get a little more direct here. But still--are you flying in an airplane? What can't you see through? It doesn't make sense. An engine--you're in a car? Please clarify. It has so much potential, but isn't seem lucid enough to satisfy me as a reader. I crave more clarity. Keep writing!
Like the other i have little to say about this poem. It is a poem which doesn't call out to me at all but i definately don't hate it. It is simple ok...
I would say this though,
It is a bit confusing and i don't understand other parts too. I also think the line is missing a word 'Everything is miniscule as if.
That may just be me being picky but you have a good poem here so keep at it!!
Dan
Very good. I liked the golden lakes, we are dry above. It was something like that, i liked it alot. keep writing.
Hey, this is pretty sweet. I liked it, and it really captured my imagination. It was a little vague, but I think that gives it character. Nice job, and keep writing. Sorry, this probably isn't the greatest crit.
Vet
Nix the first period.
That's all the grammar stuff I could find. Overall, this is very good.
[quote=clueless]Small as a drop of rain.
Rain, sparkling below[/quote]
The repetition of rain is a bit, er tacky? For lack of a better word.... But I like the whole bird's eye view thing of it. Do I sense a hint of pain? When you say, "Can't see through them, hard as I try," it sounds like you are trying to forget some tiring sorrow. Or maybe it's just my melow-dramaticness? Oh, well. Other than the rain thing, it's a really good poem.
hmmm......yep. thats a poem alright.
anyways, yeah, pretty good. not my favorite but definitly awesome. basically every thing that nerd above me said(kidding!)
--jukebox hero/boy wonder--
It's good. A bit unclear at some points, but that might just be me and my sleep deprivation.
It's good. I can't say it's my favorite, but it's definitely got potential.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.