Hello, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.
Ed and Dave stared into the crate. Inside was a small, 4-person, independent craft. After reading the serial number, Ed and Dave deduced that it was a Federation made item. That meant quality. Something like it would cost almost 30,000 credits on a civilized planet, more on outer ones. It would certainly come in handy no matter what their future careers turned out to be. The only problem would be fueling it. As the two stared at it, the engines sputtered and then died, dropping the craft to the floor with a crash. "Well." said Dave, clicking his tongue, "That may be an issue."
Great start to the second chapter!
"Right over here!" came the call from the cockpit.
"We have an issue." Dave swiveled around in his pilot's chair, much like a child on his father's office chair, and faced Ed.
"And just what might that be?" he asked, his face and tone completely unworried.
"Fuel and power are almost empty." Dave held his chin and nodded, knowingly.
"I see, I see. And now just what in the ever-loving hell do we do about that?" he asked, as if he were a principal breaking up a fight.
"The way I see it, we have one option. Kill the ship. Save power for the ground thrusters. Turn everything off except the engine and rig the ship to raise the alarm when we hit Hellhole's field." he said with weary resignation, almost betraying that he thought they would die the minute they hit the ground.
You have such great character interactions between these two characters.
Dave flashed Ed a thumbs-up and Ed started to turn the fuel valves all the way to minimum, leaving just enough to propel them slightly faster to Hellhole. Then he told Dave to get ready. Dave hopped into his cylinder and Ed turned off the power. The whole ship went dark. He raced up the ladder and into the living quarters. He climbed into the cylinder and shut the door. And waited. He could here the intermittent firing of the port engine as it brought them closer to Hellhole. He wasn't sure which would be better, he thought as he drifted off, dying up here, or dying down there.
I love that the planet they are trying to get to is named Hellhole. It's so comical, and you would think it would be a place they are trying to stay away from. Just imagine someone asking you where you're from and the person saying they are from Hellhole.
The rain pounded against the hull of the ship, burning off her markings, dissolving the land around her and sinking her into a steaming, bubbling puddle. The ship sank lower and lower into the sludge, threatening to dip the cockpit in the mess. Acid rain rose around her trying to rip her apart, like an octopus with an especially large mussel. The crew scurried about, trying to pull her from the slop, but she wouldn't budge. She was determined to make this spot her grave. The ground melted beneath her under the unrelenting burn of the acid. She lurched lower into the slop, the mess lapping up her windscreen and into her engines. The sludge of the earth deepened. It rumbled beneath the ship. The acid flowed through the cracks, widening them even further. The process continued, burning away at the rock bit by bit, until it became too weak to hold the craft up anymore. She broke through the ground falling a thirty feet until she finally came to a stop in the middle of a wheat field.
It was a little weird when you story just transitions to this part in the middle of the chapter.
It was very confusing and hard to understand what was happening, especially the part at the end when the ship falls into a wheat field. That made no sense to me because I thought the ship was drowned in the acid. It was just very confusing to me.
"Wahll, thean yer Rovers ahn tha's just as bahd." he raised the gun again and pulled the trigger.
Well that was one heck of a cliff hanger. I guess they don't die because there are chapters after this, so I wonder what will happen next.
Overall, great job on the story. I love how all the characters interact with each other and it was very well written. The only thing I have to say is that the first paragraph were you transition to the present was very confusing. Can't wait to read what you write next!
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Points: 11681
Reviews: 117
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