Hey there! This has been in the Green Room for awhile now, so I decided to help nudge it out c: I haven't read any of the previous installments, so if I say something dumb, please pardon me xD But the title is quite interesting and caught my eye - I love how you put a pretty thing like "starlight" next to a heavy word like "murder" -> pretty interesting! :p
Ed woke up rather earlier than was normal for him. He rolled out of the bed and went to check on Alex. He had fixed the dent very well and buffed out some of the scratches he noticed. He ran another systems check on it and found that it was still in the "unconsciousness" mode. He patted it on the head.
Two things I thought of pointing out!
1.) I feel like it moves a bit quickly in the beginning. He woke up and then he's checking out a robot? or something, I'm not really sure since I haven't read the previous parts cx (I'm assuming it's a machine of some sort, which is super cool!). I think you could slow down and add some descriptions. Is the sun streaming through the blinds? Or is it heavy, dark, and grey outside? I'd recommend slowing down a bit throughout the whole chapter, just so the reader is able to envision the setting in their minds and doesn't get too lost in the action. I feel at one moment something is happening, and the next second something different is happening.
2.) If you read this paragraph, a lot of the sentences are about the same length. I think it's very helpful to vary your sentence length so it doesn't make you feel drowsy. So if you could throw in some longer/shorter sentences or do whatever you want to add variation in the length, I think that'd be awesome! ^^
BUT OOH I'm super curious to read about Alex! c:
"You sir," he said to the mirror, pointing at it, "need a couple days of paid leave."
Omg xD
"Two people are dead Buck, one gravely injured, The Company is putting a stop to it."
Oh dear :c That does not sound good
"Return to your charging receptacle SECBOT" said the Commodore angrily.
Ah, so Alex is a bot; super neat!! I love how it is protecting Ed in this scene, or it seems like it is c:
"Enginer Buck will not be..." Alex was cut off as the Commodore ordered the security officers to hit Alex's power button.
HOW DARE YOU COMMODORE
"It is the opinion of this court that it is highly suspicious that you were the only person to have discovered these...ah...incidents. You are hereby charged with two counts of murder, one count of attempted murder, and one count of assault." She turned away from him. Ed was shocked.
Hm, perhaps it works differently in your world, but is it possible for him to be charged with all of those things without a proper trial?
He approached the bot and made a grab for its arm. Alex lunged at his arm and bent it back.
Ooh okay, os I just realized I have no idea what the bot looks like. I'm sure you described it in other chapters, but I feel like I should be able to get a general idea of what it looks like, even if I haven't read any of the other chapters. So I think it'd be cool if you could give him a bit more descriptions and "life" (even though he's a robot lol).
"I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but I should like to interrogate the SECBOT." she responded.
Oh dear, I hope Alex will be okay
"Engineer Buck, you may return to your quarters. You are ordered to return here at 0800 tomorrow morning in order verify statements made by G-38-7. After that, you will be charged with tampering with Company property. Return to your quarters."
Just wanted to point out that repetition <3
As he stepped over the threshold, the normal whoosh of the pistons operating was joined by a low metallic click. The door had been overridden and locked behind him.
OH NO WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ED :O
This chapter was definitely quite interesting! Even though I jumped in a random spot in the novel, I still got a general idea of what was going on and was introduced to your world, like the robots. You seem to have an established conflict, which is great! c: My only suggestion for you would be to slow down a bit and consider how you want to pace your story, but other than that, I truly enjoyed reading this! I hope this helped!
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