z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Murder By Starlight (Part 4)

by cidrianwritersguild


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Ed was confused. How had things spiraled out of control so quickly? In less than a week, two people had died, his best friend was almost killed, his SECBOT was probably going to be destroyed, and he would be prosecuted and thrown in jail for tampering with the Company's SECBOT. He had had aspirations after leaving the military. He was going to become a ship's captain. He didn't know what kind, a merchant, a mercenary, hell, he'd even entertained the idea of being a pirate just for laughs. Now all of that was slipping away from him. He didn't even have Alex in the room to comfort him. It had been taken away down to a cleaning closet to hold it there for tomorrow's interrogations.

He rolled over in his bed, trying to fall asleep. It was still very early, but he didn't have much else to do. He reached under his bed for his emergency bottle of bourbon. He found it and raised to his lips. Empty. He threw it to the floor, where it shattered. He tried to get out of the bed to clean up the shards, but he couldn't summon the enthusiasm. He turned back over, staring at the underside of Dave's empty bunk. He wondered how Dave was feeling. He smiled to himself, thinking about how Dave was most likely trying to score extra tranquilizers from the infirmary staff. He missed Dave. The man always knew exactly what to say or do. It didn't always solve your problems, in fact it almost never did, but he could always cheer you up. He turned back onto his stomach and resigned himself to just lying on the bed for the next day or so. He fell asleep, dreading tomorrow, and wishing it to already be there.

He woke up to the brusque shouts of security officers. He pushed himself up and allowed himself to be led down the hall into a smaller room with just himself, the Commodore, the chief justice, and Alex sitting at the table. He lowered himself into a chair and looked to the Commodore for what he should do next. The Commodore turned to the chief justice. She looked at Ed and said,

"Do you have any questions before we begin the questioning of G-38-7?"

"No man I do not" he responded.

"Then we shall begin." She turned back to the Commodore. "Please let in the Company representative." He got up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door, and a small, weasely looking man entered the room. He sat down in between Alex and the Commodore. He had a messenger bag on his shoulder. From this, he withdrew a small computer and some connection cables. He connected the computer to a jack in Alex's head. He turned to Ed and pointed to the computer.

"This is a Company produced machine that detects anomalies in our bots. You coupled with it will test for lies in the robot's speech." A look of confusion crossed Ed's face.

"Okay, but how do you know I'm not lying and that I didn't program Alex to intentionally escape the lie-detecting protocols?"

"The robot has deep-coded protocols that are hidden to anyone but Company programmers and you were given a personnel chip to implant when you arrived here. The chip signals to us when you are lying or breaking rules." Ed's mind spun while he tried to think of all the things he had done in his two years on Decken.

"That seems like an invasion of privacy." The man looked up from his computer and scowled at Ed.

"This was in the charter agreement you signed when you came here." he said through obvious annoyance. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get this over with so I can get on a ship back home." Ed held his hands up in mock surrender. The man finished his preparations and nodded to the chief justice, signifying that Alex could be powered on. The chief justice flipped a switch under Alex's left on and motioned to the Company man to start the questioning. He turned to Ed.

"I will ask G-38-7 a quest-"

"Alex"

"Excuse me?"

"It's name is Alex. Not G-38-7." said Ed. The man stared at him for a moment.. He sighed.

"Fine. I will ask Alex" he said it as though it were from a different language. "a question, and you will confirm or deny it's credibility. Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

"Good. Now," he said, turning to Alex, "Who is you assigned protected quarry."

"My quarry is one First Mechanical Engineer Edward Buck." The man looked pointedly at Ed.

"Well at least you didn't screw up everything." he turned back to Alex. "And why is your programming different than standard Company protocols?"

"Rank F.M.E Buck tampered with my programming." A nod from Ed.

"And why would he have done that?"

"I am not quite sure of the answer. My memory banks appear to have suffered damage from the reprogramming. Words that come to mind are 'new,' 'Alex,' and 'again.' Another nod. This one slightly more solemn.

"Do you know about the murders that took place here?"

"Yes. I do."

"And what do you know about them?"

"I know the perpetrator." An audible gasp came from everyone but Ed, whose eyebrows shot up his forehead as he lifted his eyes from the table to look at Alex.

"Who is the perpetrator?"

"It is unwise for me to say."

"This is an order from a Company employee. Who is the perpetrator?" said the man, a vein pulsing in his head from worry or anger.

"It is unwise for me to say."

"Damn it! You will tell me who the perpetrator is!" Alex turned it's vision panel towards the enraged little man. It's head cocked ever so slightly.

"The perpetrator...is me."


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Sun Jan 24, 2021 3:08 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello, you amazing author! ^_^ This chapter is still in the Green Room, so I decided to nudge it out! I remember reading one of your previous chapters, but not all of them, so if I say something stupid, just ignore me xD Now on to the review!

Ed was confused. How had things spiraled out of control so quickly? In less than a week, two people had died, his best friend was almost killed, his SECBOT was probably going to be destroyed, and he would be prosecuted and thrown in jail for tampering with the Company's SECBOT.


Poor Ed, he really has been through a lot! I think he needs a big hug <3

Now all of that was slipping away from him. He didn't even have Alex in the room to comfort him. It had been taken away down to a cleaning closet to hold it there for tomorrow's interrogations.


I find it super interesting that Ed could be comforted by a robot -> instead of seeing it as superficial or having "built-in emotions," he seems it as a friend and a source of comfort. I think that's neat, because it shows the reader how normal these SECBOTs are and how much they've been integrated into their world.

Spoiler! :
He rolled over in his bed, trying to fall asleep. It was still very early, but he didn't have much else to do. He reached under his bed for his emergency bottle of bourbon. He found it and raised to his lips. Empty. He threw it to the floor, where it shattered. He tried to get out of the bed to clean up the shards, but he couldn't summon the enthusiasm. He turned back over, staring at the underside of Dave's empty bunk. He wondered how Dave was feeling. He smiled to himself, thinking about how Dave was most likely trying to score extra tranquilizers from the infirmary staff. He missed Dave. The man always knew exactly what to say or do. It didn't always solve your problems, in fact it almost never did, but he could always cheer you up. He turned back onto his stomach and resigned himself to just lying on the bed for the next day or so. He fell asleep, dreading tomorrow, and wishing it to already be there.


I quoted a whole paragraph so I decided to put it in a spoiler to save room cx I wanted to point out that the majority of the sentences in this paragraph start with the word "He." That gets repetitive and a little hard to get through because it seems like the same thing over and over again. I recommend you vary how you start your sentences. Maybe start with a phrase, "Smiling to himself, he thought about how Dave was most likely..." or you can even reintroduce Ed's name somewhere in the paragraph. Just some suggestions <3

"Do you have any questions before we begin the questioning of G-38-7?"

"No man I do not" he responded.


Oh dear, I'm feeling tense cx I believe you meant "No ma'am" instead of "man"?

and a small, weasely looking man entered the room.


Haha, I love this bit of description you've got! I think you could give even more; does he have a soft or annoyed look on his face? What colour is his hair? Is it greasy? Are his eyes empty and cold? Stuff like that, you know c:

"This was in the charter agreement you signed when you came here." he said through obvious annoyance. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get this over with so I can get on a ship back home."


Love the way you've characterized this guy through his words and actions!

"And what do you know about them?"

"I know the perpetrator." An audible gasp came from everyone but Ed, whose eyebrows shot up his forehead as he lifted his eyes from the table to look at Alex.


AH OMG WHO WAS IT.

"The perpetrator...is me."


UM.
WHAT.
WHAT WHAT.

Ohmy gosh, I did not expect that at all! Ahh wait, why was he the one behind the crimes? :O What was his motive? Did someone else make him do it?? Ahh, so many questions...

I super love your ending. I did not expect that at all, and I love how you ended on that cliffhanger; it's definitely going to make me want to read the next chapter! You really played out the ending well; I had no suspicion of Alex, so that was completely unexpected, so I think you executed it super well. I can't wait to see Ed's reaction though; did he already know? I don't think so, but I also haven't read most of the beginning chapters, so I'm missing a few parts of the exposition cx I should check them out!

Overall, I think this chapter, just like Plume, is my favourite. It was exciting and thrilling, and it makes me want to come back for me. I hope this helped! :D






So, I can't tell if this makes me a better or worse writer, but a lot of the stuff you've asked questions about or posed musings about is explained in the next part (just so ya know) but one thing I would like to address specifically is the fact that SECBOTs aren't actually meant to be super friendly or personable with anyone. I say this now because I never really explained it, but the idea is that SECBOTs just wander around behind their assigned quarry preventing their death. Just thought I'd clarify that for you. :) Thanks for the review by the way!



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Thu Jan 07, 2021 2:40 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey! Plume here, with a review!

OOH! It's ESCALATING even MORE. This might be my favorite bit yet, no cap. I feel like you nailed the pacing on this, and the ending? 10/10. I love that cliffhanger. I was engaged all the way through, and normally, that's a rarity for me. (I have a very short attention span.) So, good job!

One thing I really loved about this was the pacing. You keep us in suspense just long enough, before... BOOM. The truth drops about Alex. I think I gasped audibly when I read that, actually. If I wasn't alone right now, I'm sure someone would have asked me what was wrong. It was a masterful big reveal, I'll tell you that. (I think another reason why I love it so much is that it genuinely surprised me. Normally, I'm one of those people who can spot the murderer two pages in, but I didn't see this one coming!)

I also really loved the first bit. I confess to oftentimes skipping over character's internal thoughts, but the way you blended Ed's musings with actions really helped build his character and hold my attention. It didn't feel draggy or monotonous at all, so great job!

Specifics

He tried to get out of the bed to clean up the shards, but he couldn't summon the enthusiasm.


Normally, I associate enthusiasm with a deep wanting or eagerness to do something. Most people I know wouldn't be jumping at the opportunity to clean up glass shards, so I feel like the word "enthusiasm" doesn't really work here. I'd suggest changing it to motivation or energy.

"No man I do not" he responded.


If Ed is addressing the justice, I feel like he should be a little more formal. Also, she's a woman, so him calling her "man" is a little weird to me. I think (and I'm not sure if you meant this and what you have is a typo) it would be better as "ma'am" rather than "man."

"This was in the charter agreement you signed when you came here." he said through obvious annoyance.


Ah, the neverending tale of not reading the terms and conditions. There's nothing wrong with this part, I just wanted you to know how relatable I thought this was.

"It's name is Alex. Not G-38-7."

Alex turned it's vision panel towards the enraged little man. It's head cocked ever so slightly.


In these two sentences, you've used the wrong form of "its." "It's" is actually a contraction between "it" and "is," so what you're really saying here is "It is name is Alex." The possessive form of "it" is just "its." I make that mistake too, so no need to worry. It's quite common.

Overall: I really loved this bit. It's getting super gripping, and I'm really looking forward to finishing it soon!!





Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena