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18+ Language Violence

Set Adrift (Part 3)

by cidrianwritersguild


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Dave heaved himself at Ed, knocking him to the ground as the shot blasted a hole through the metal above them. They both scrambled to their feet and stumbled down the ramp to the cargo bay. The Koth jumped into the hatch, lost his footing and crashed into the canted wall. He fired the second barrel and the shot slammed into the ceiling above Ed as he tripped off the ramp. He fumbled in his overalls, searching for more shells. Finding none, he slung the gun onto his back and staggered down the ramp to confront Ed and Dave. He charged down the ramp, ready for battle. Dave pulled Ed to his feet and then charged at the Koth. He threw an uppercut at the Koth, catching him at the very tip of his chin, snapping his head back. Unfortunately, the Koth caught his arms as he fell back, pulling Dave over with him and planting his feet in Dave's stomach. He flipped Dave over onto his back, winding him in the process. The Koth got up and went for Ed. He threw a right hook at him, nearly knocking him out with one blow. But Ed ducked under it and kicked at the Koth's stomach, knocking him to the ground. Dave staggered to his feet and leaped onto the prone Koth, wrapping his arms around his neck. 

The Koth got to his feet, Dave's small frame hanging off him like a cape. He leaned back trying to shake Dave off. In doing so, he exposed his stomach to Ed, who threw punch after punch into his already injured stomach. In an effort to both retreat from Ed and remove Dave, the Koth backed into the wall, crushing Dave between the hard metal and his muscle-bound back. Dave let out a small squeak as he was winded again and almost lost his grip on the Koth's neck. Ed kicked out at his knee, bringing the Koth back to the ground, where he very kindly introduced his knee to where the Koth's nose would be. They didn't get along. Enraged, the Koth reared back up onto his feet, tore Dave off his neck, and hurled him sidelong into the wall of the cargo hold. He crumpled to the floor behind some of the larger cargo crates. Ed attempted to take advantage of the Koth's turned back, but the Koth just backhanded him across the mouth and sent him sprawling on the floor. The Koth slowly approached Dave, determined to finish him off. He shoved the large cargo crates out of his way as he took his time, enjoying the thought of what he was about to do. He shoved one final crate out of the way and revealed Dave's unconscious body,  breathing shallowly on the floor. He went to wrap his fingers around Dave's neck...but was stopped. He felt the cold steel of a gun barrel against the back of his bald head.

"You take...your hands away from him...before I paint the walls with the inside of your goddamn head."  Ed had bolted up the cargo ramp and pulled his trusted F-6 laser pistol out of its storage locker. The Koth sat back on his knees, slowly. He raised his hands in surrender.

"Finish me off then, ya' inbred basterd. I wun't live in a worl' where the likes o' yoo can defaet me." He exhaled, accepting the fact that he was about to be killed. Instead, Ed pulled the gun away from his head.

"I won't kill you. Dave and I just want to talk. We're not Feds, in fact we're running from them, and we're not Rovers." The Koth turned his head slightly, non-verbally asking if he could turn around to face Ed. Ed holstered the gun and allowed him to do so. The Koth turned around and thought for a minute. 

"Runnin' from the Feds, eh?" he paused, then jumped to his feet. "Well, ah can' think o' anythin' be'er tha' screwin' wi' those prissy, li'l dictators! I would be glahd to welcome yoo tah mah fahrm. Ahnd yoo say yer not Rovers eether? Well then, joost hwat in the hell are yoo?" Ed looked at the ground, frozen for a minute. What were he and Dave? They weren't Rovers, the traveling people who tried to never set foot on a planet, regarded as thieves and pirates. And they most certainly were not Feds. Then he smiled. He looked back up at the Koth.

"We sir, are the beginning of the New Free People's Union."


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134 Reviews


Points: 9475
Reviews: 134

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Wed Jan 20, 2021 3:27 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey! Plume here, with a review!

Ahh! Things are heating up. I really enjoyed this installment of the work. You ended it at a perfect place, and I'm super excited to finish!

One thing I have to commend you on is how clear your writing is. I don't think I found myself confused once while reading this. You choose your words with such precision that I am able to understand what you are trying to get across perfectly. It's truly a masterful skill, and you should be proud!

I also like the character of the Koth you've thrown in here. The dialogue signature is so unique, and it provides something new for Dave and Ed to interact with. It also helps to reiterate the setting of this story.

Like the other reviewer said, your first two paragraphs are a little long, especially for action. You should maybe try breaking them up a little, or even punctuating it with dialogue. I find that action sequences can be made 10x better when dialogue is mixed in.

Specifics

"We sir, are the beginning of the New Free People's Union."


It's a small thing, but you need a comma after "we," since sir is a nonessential part of the sentence.

Other than that, phenomenal job! I can't wait to see what comes next. As always, you are an immensely talented author. Massive props to you!




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117 Reviews


Points: 11681
Reviews: 117

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Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:51 pm
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LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



Hello, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.

Dave heaved himself at Ed, knocking him to the ground as the shot blasted a hole through the metal above them. They both scrambled to their feet and stumbled down the ramp to the cargo bay. The Koth jumped into the hatch, lost his footing and crashed into the canted wall. He fired the second barrel and the shot slammed into the ceiling above Ed as he tripped off the ramp. He fumbled in his overalls, searching for more shells. Finding none, he slung the gun onto his back and staggered down the ramp to confront Ed and Dave. He charged down the ramp, ready for battle. Dave pulled Ed to his feet and then charged at the Koth. He threw an uppercut at the Koth, catching him at the very tip of his chin, snapping his head back. Unfortunately, the Koth caught his arms as he fell back, pulling Dave over with him and planting his feet in Dave's stomach. He flipped Dave over onto his back, winding him in the process. The Koth got up and went for Ed. He threw a right hook at him, nearly knocking him out with one blow. But Ed ducked under it and kicked at the Koth's stomach, knocking him to the ground. Dave staggered to his feet and leaped onto the prone Koth, wrapping his arms around his neck.


A lot of action in this paragraph. It a little length which made it a little hard to read.

The Koth got to his feet, Dave's small frame hanging off him like a cape. He leaned back trying to shake Dave off. In doing so, he exposed his stomach to Ed, who threw punch after punch into his already injured stomach. In an effort to both retreat from Ed and remove Dave, the Koth backed into the wall, crushing Dave between the hard metal and his muscle-bound back. Dave let out a small squeak as he was winded again and almost lost his grip on the Koth's neck. Ed kicked out at his knee, bringing the Koth back to the ground, where he very kindly introduced his knee to where the Koth's nose would be. They didn't get along. Enraged, the Koth reared back up onto his feet, tore Dave off his neck, and hurled him sidelong into the wall of the cargo hold. He crumpled to the floor behind some of the larger cargo crates. Ed attempted to take advantage of the Koth's turned back, but the Koth just backhanded him across the mouth and sent him sprawling on the floor. The Koth slowly approached Dave, determined to finish him off. He shoved the large cargo crates out of his way as he took his time, enjoying the thought of what he was about to do. He shoved one final crate out of the way and revealed Dave's unconscious body, breathing shallowly on the floor. He went to wrap his fingers around Dave's neck...but was stopped. He felt the cold steel of a gun barrel against the back of his bald head.


Same problem as the last paragraph, so much action happens in it that it is hard to read because of how long it is.

In doing so, he exposed his stomach to Ed, who threw punch after punch into his already injured stomach.


This sentence just doesn't sound great, I think it might be because you use the word stomach twice in this sentence. You also have started a handful of sentences with "The Koth."

"We sir, are the beginning of the New Free People's Union."


Great end to the chapter!

Overall good job, there was a lot of action in this chapter, but it was also very short. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL





“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw