for a moment in time, i saw a rainbow
my world has always been monochrome blacks and whites-
i never had reason to differentiate them
yet when i got pulled into a room and got drowned in my own words,
for a moment in time, i had a glimpse of a deep ocean blue
the kind that you'd paint my tears with
and from that day on i finally saw something other than the good & bad.
i saw the tears that hid behind masks of smiles.
and i'd never felt so cold before, but as i walked that day,
for a moment in time, i felt like all my lines were a bright orange
the kind that would make spikes and close in on your lungs
and i don't know if i liked it,
because it felt like being held in the arms of my father.
the one that left before he could meet my eyes.
and that felt like seeing the deepest crimson red i'd known
the kind that you'd paint your screams of agony & desperation
the kind that makes you want to yell for irrational fears.
and as i hid that all with a bright goldenrod yellow,
the kind that warms your heart and melts the hardship
for a moment in time, i saw a rainbow.
and i think that i liked not having to worry about anything for a flicker of time.
but all good things end.
[~~~~]
In DocumentatIon, all studiEs conDucTed On variOus topics by h. a. louir
[~~~~]
color theories
among this sort of aquamarine petrichor i've grown fond of,
my subtle orange tears faded into grays and whites
(for once after my childhood, i knew what purity was.)
amidst the blazing copper-hued sun and soft cream-colored moon,
i felt my home come back to me, but only the charcoal blacks and ash grays
and my mind wanted to shriek, yet nothing came out of my mouth.
there was only silence that graced my canvas.
and it wasn't a silence painted in transparent light blues
nor was it a kind of quiet dyed swan white in the leave of winter
but instead, a devoid of color kind of silence
the one where you want to paint it in but there's no color that can fill it
not even the brightest sun-kissed yellow, nor the most vibrant magenta.
a void of emotionless color- the kind of color my words were painted with when i lost my empathy
[~~~~]
picture perfect
sew me a new life made of silver and gold
(for i am tired of this cut-away fabric life)
stitch my mouth shut and rip the seams of my eyes
(i hope i do not have to see this life of bleak color once more)
replace my heart with felt and my lungs for tuile
i'm your doll (faced) love(sick) toy for you to change up
(dress me up in compliments or insults, i don't care)
knit me a new mind and crochet me some new lips
(i think i've been a bad doll, i'm not bending to your whims.)
i was made of porcelain, now reduced to plastic
(laid down on the shelf for years, now picked up and shattered)
i've been your (doll) multi-faced (love)sick toy for too long
& i'm tired of being stuck in your dollhouse as some sort of throwaway joke
(i hate that i've grown accustomed to this kind of life with all this nothingness)
[~~~~]
there was and will only be me and you
mourning is overrated because i no longer grieve
and though i'm tired of all this melancholia
i know that in the end, you and i would leave
and that there'd be no point in trying calling an empty heart area
i wish you'd account for how we were unmistakeably innocent
but you'll never turn back now, at least as long as you have her
& i think that i should've kept these past 5 emails to myself, they're filled with things i never should've sent
(we both know that we have been and will be the best love story that ever was written, filled with allure.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
This is interesting!
thank you!
it is, quite literally a grouping of odds & ends of my poetry
Hey hey, herb! I remember you asked for reviews on this piece a while ago, and I'm finally here... XD I found it neat how each poem has a slightly different structure, yet still a similar style. I'll be giving some thoughts on each one!
for a moment in time, i saw a rainbow
This poem seemed to be a swirl of opposites, and I could imagine it as some kind of abstract art painting. The various colors mentioned support the rainbow theme, but it's interesting how not all the colors symbolize something good, as might be expected of a poem that starts with the narrator being in a monochromatic world.
This line probably stuck in my mind the most. Are the tears being painted onto the narrator's face? Are they being painted over and covered up? Are the tears being painted onto a different surface in imitation of the narrator's tears? Lots of possible interpretations :> And also, the "you". I couldn't get a firm grasp on who the "you" is to the narrator-- is it just a general, impersonal you, or does it refer to a specific person? Like abstract art, I feel like one of the features of this poem is how it can be interpreted in so many ways.
I do agree with Wist that this poem feels a bit disorganized, though. That could be intentional, to convey a feeling of disorientation, and I've written a couple poems like that too. But what I'm gradually trying to do is to give my poetry meaning-- a thread that connects the entirety of it, that readers can follow. It's a work in progress for me, but I'm wondering if you might want to try that too >.> Like, how did the narrator get drowned in their own words? Is it related to the father? Is there something you can reveal at the end that draws it all together and makes the reader go "ohhhh!"? Just some thoughts ^^
In DocumentatIon, all studiEs conDucTed On variOus topics by h. a. louir
(or, i died too)
First impression: I found this one to be delightfully absurd. Like, the usage of hairspray on umbrellas under hailstorms? Wonderfully random XD Also, h. a. louir.... herb a. lhour... XD
Second impression: I could kind of imagine this as a scientist writing a secret message. The "he is not just ruling" makes me think of a tyrant in a fantasy novel or something, though that's probably influenced a lot by what I read... The message is rather depressing, and I wonder if you could hint at the narrator's connection to these studies and provide some backstory as to why and how the narrator has been driven to this point.
This was an interesting callback, and my brain liked finding the connection to a previous line, but with a twist.
"purple-soaked" is such a great phrase :]
color theories
This poem offered an interesting contrast of finding purity yet losing empathy. It's pretty cohesive overall, and I think focusing on two main concepts and using color to describe that works well.
I liked this image-- the idea of an unfillable silence.
picture perfect
Another neat callback here! I love the idea of echoing a line, but switching up the parentheses!! :>
Not entirely sure how porcelain can become plastic... I feel like this line would be stronger if you continued with the porcelain-- like, what's a sign that porcelain is wearing down? Does it crack or anything?
there was and will only be me and you
Ahh of course, a melancholia cameo =P I liked how this one hinted at a story. My only nitpick is that the last line might work better without the "filled with allure" (or, at least, with that phrase in a different location). I just feel like the ending would be snappier if it stopped on "ever was written".
Okay, I kind of ran out of steam at the end there XD Hopefully something in here was helpful. Overall, nice work! Keep writing, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night! =D
Hey herb! Ellie here to leave you a review on this lovely collection of poems. I hope you are having a fantastic day so far! Let's jump right in to the review!
I really liked these lines here! I found that this first poem was a lot of descriptions like the ones above. I love the word 'goldenrod yellow'. I find that your poetry has a very flow and direct sort of tone. You don't break individual lines up a lot and they sort of just... whoosh. I really like that because it gives a very speaking sort of tone and doesn't sound formal, but it still feels beautiful and elegant in a way.
I loved this line!! ^^ Childhood is often associated with purity, so I found it lovely that you noted an absence of that in childhood. The contrast was beautiful actually, using these often opposites to make a dramatic point.
How amazing are these lines, herb!!! I love them. The image of being a doll, a combination of these different crafted by someone else, shaping your very lips and mind. Also herb- thank you for introducing me to crochet metaphors XD The image of these repetitious movements, over time, shaping the very tools that enable you to speak and think. Who you are is what they made you to be.
These poems were really beautiful and I appreciate you so much <3333
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello, herb! I'm here to review this collection of poems.
I enjoy your collection of poems here, especially the common themes of colors and being left behind. Your style is evident in your poems, and they all invoke a deep sense of melancholy that I've learned to associate with herb poetry. With that said, let's dive in.
for a moment in time, i saw a rainbow
I find this poem very similar to a later poem, "Color Theories," but overall, I would say that I prefer the latter much more. This one feels much more disorganized, and it's unclear what the speaker is feeling. The beginning focuses on negative emotions, whereas the end states that the speaker didn't have to worry during the poem's events. Maybe I'm missing something here, but it feels more challenging to follow than your other poems.
In Documentation, all studies conducted on various topics by h. a. louir
I love poems that subvert conventions, so secret message poems always excite me. I enjoy that this poem is naturally poetic, even without the hidden message, so it has something to offer besides the mystery. "I DIE TOO HES
NOT JUST RULING I SHOULD DIE A ONE I CRY EVERY NIGHT NO ONE HEARS ANYWAY." So, this was a fun message. However, it is a little confusing. He's not just ruling I should die a one. What is that supposed to mean? It did take me a long time to figure this out, though, so I may have that wrong.
Also, in this poem and another one, you use the word "petrichol." However, when I looked that word up, it didn't seem to be a word. Do you mean petrichor, the smell of rain?
color theories
This one happens to be my favorite of the batch. Its strong imagery really drew me in as you painted these contradictory colors of orange tears, the blazing sun, and the soft moon. It's a strong piece. Well done!
picture perfect
This poem is another well-written piece! I love the overarching metaphor of the speaker being a doll that slowly loses value as it is mistreated and discarded. It's quite a sad story that makes me feel sorry for the speaker. I hope they get someone who treats them well.
there was and will only be me and you
I love the density of this poem. The longer lines and the enjambment make it feel like a conversation and capture the agony of a break-up that ruins something perfect. You can feel the speaker's regret as they desperately try to reach out to this person, only to say questionable things and get the cold shoulder.
Overall, this was a good set of poems with some strong contenders! The first two have some kinks, but other than that, it's a great collection! Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading.
Happy Writing!
Wist
wist it says ALONE
also yeah i meant petrichor but i like the sound of petrichol more so shhh
edited so now it says petrichor lol