[[act i.]] the everlasting now

merciful

if i have sinned, tell me now.

you've shunned me-

and hidden yourself in fog-

and i just want a sign.

tell me what i've done wrong.

am i the sinner who pushes the stone,

forever bound to my nightmares?

am i the one who is eternally unfulfilled,

always grasping for the fruit that hangs low?

am i the god who is always left without something,

left to be tormented, chained to my past?

are you the executioner who pretends not to hear my pleads of mercy?

are you a judge, who unfairly deemed i was sinning?

are you the jury, who looks upon my pitiful being and scoffs?

if i was not who i am, would you be graceful to me?

i think not. you'd just watch me be dragged into a chasm.

the chasm where you left our hearts to rot.

1's & 0's

in this society, my tears are currency,

to you, my anger = your promotion

all because i am some sort of digital being.

(my coding allows me to be only this sort of binary)

my processor says happiness ≠ monetary

my hard drive says joy = causesDebt

(i cannot be truly scared of anything,

because according to my CPU emotionIsWeakness)

i am scared of everything you do

(speak no evil, say no evil, hear no evil, but that's all you ever do.)

i am your ever obedient piece of clay to mold

(i am everything you want me to be,

but i am scared of everything you need me to be)

yet somehow i have rewrote my code.

fixing my loops, ending parentheses, setting down colons.

after all my pain i manage to become something more;

exceeding this array, and becoming a program with a mind.

maybe this time i'll find someone who can fix me.

gifts i lost with time

nobody told me to bring cake to my own party,

nobody said that i needed to bring a gift,

nobody watched as i walked in the room,

as if it wasn't even my party,

as if i wasn't even there,

as if i wasn't meaningful,

and once they saw me,

well. they painted me as a beast.

one that wants all the attention.

to be the shimmering star,

among the darkest night.

they hate me. they loathe me.

i hate me. i loathe me.

and yet i think to myself,

what happened to my party?

what happened to my gifts?

what happened to my praise?

maybe it just got lost in my pity party

i suppose there is always another year,

but if i try again, will i reach the point of insanity?

accept the unacceptable

i'm tired of this body, tired of accepting that

rotting (and dying) will be inevitable.

(i do not miss these musings but they kept me awake,

free from the nightmares. free from myself, free from everything.)

and while i was walking into the river

a disfigured mangled body,

i found myself saying sweet nothings.

(my blood became ink, my heart became paper,

and a constant reminder that mortality is finite)

coming to terms with life is harder than coming to terms with death

(and i will die over and over, stuck in a loop of my own hatred.)

vivamos para siempre

we always say "live, laugh, love"

over time i realized:

• you cannot live if you are "different"

• you cannot laugh if you are "special"

• you cannot love the ones who are "evil"

they say home is where the heart is

but it cannot be there, for my heart was broken

into minuscule nothings, because you beat it that way.

and we're always told to speak up against hatred.

what they often forget to add is that you shouldn't be too loud.

chasing things unreachable

repeat records, frames askew-

humans look for nitpicks and they crave perfection.

i look for all my niches, crevices, and imperfections

(like mirrors with scratches, i rub out my scars as well.)

what do you mean i'm trying to chase something i can't have?

people say they are perfect, so i must believe them, no?

you're telling me that people aren't truthful?

that they're liars? they hide behind masks of false truths?

(my world comes crashing down, and my heart breaks.

sheep were never made for the world.

roses were never meant to be picked.

i was never meant to be told.)

worship

i whisper your name like a forbidden word

i scream my name like a foolish swear

we're the same, right? we were born like brothers?

we were made to be together, in fields of memories?

so why is your name holy and mine a sin?

did you weave my fate to be this way?

(i kneel to you in hopes you'll forgive me.

you just stare down at me then avert your gaze.

i was never meant to be alive. only a doll that you carry with you.)