collection three

Hi herb! Lim here to review your poems!

General impressions across all three

These poems come across to me as being slightly mysterious. They don’t go into specifics or locate the speaker in a particular space (maybe except the last poem’s mention of a “mirror” and a “sky”), which is partly why there is a sense of mystery.

They are also focused on the speaker’s monologue. They follow the speaker’s thoughts that start from a particular topic, such as how human beings relate to mathematical theorems, and them seem to branch off from there in a different direction. However, the speaker’s thoughts are also expressed in relatively few words per idea, which leaves a lot up to interpretation.

The first and third poems aren’t very heavy on the senses. The second poem dives a bit more into sensory imagery with the similes and metaphors evoking sounds, but the main point still seems to be the speaker’s message not the imagery for its own sake.

None of this is a criticism – just my description of the type of poem these are.

Interpretations and themes of the poems

1. humanity thm

Here’s how I interpreted the poem based on the tone of the speaker: At first the speaker sounds like they are lamenting the structure of the theorem. They ask, in a rhetorical question, if they can use the theorem to “forget . . .anguish”. I think the speaker wants us to answer ‘no’.

But then from “converse works as well”, it seems like they start genuinely questioning how their emotional experiences work, suggesting different candidates for ‘x’ and decide they “must prove” something. Then there is a further shift that leads into a discussion about humanity being unfair, where they sound more accusatory/ critical of humanity in general. Perhaps they link it back to the individual self in the last lines “if something is human / then it cannot truly be fair” which are in the singular, but I struggled with this interpretation because the beginning of the poem doesn’t seem to be about ‘fairness’ in this sense.

Another (two) interpretation(s): the speaker is criticising the need to prove one’s emotions as an unfair demand set by society. The first half of the poem about the speaker’s anguish/ the forgotten memory is ironic – the real message is that people have parts that can’t be reduced or ‘proven’. The second half of the poem perhaps implies that a society that expects such things to be ‘proven’ is unfair OR that because human feelings can’t be proven, humans can’t be fair (in the sense of objective) about anything.

2. what is

The general themes I get from this one are humanity, significance (or lack thereof) and perhaps indeterminacy. On one level, the poem shows that human emotional expression like laughing or crying has many different aspects, which the speaker cannot grasp in an easy to define way. For instance, a “tear” can be productive and gentle like the rain, or destructive like a flood, or completely neutral like a waterfall’s “white noise”. Life as a human is like being on a “playground” where things aren’t definite or have a fixed purpose.

On another level, the poem seems to suggest the insignificance of human beings. The speaker always ends the contemplation of one thing with a dismissive sort of line like – a tear is “but a waterfall” and “white noise”, a laugh is “a sound made in desperation”, and the world is “just another playground”. The use of “mannequins” or “a model” also plays down any sense of humans being agents/ having free will.

3. i am

This poem doesn’t refer directly to humanity or the world at large. Instead, it apparently focuses on the self. At first the speaker seems to be filtering out some part of themself but then they reincorporate it by the end, suggesting that there are things beyond the “positive” that make up a person. One thing that I might interpret is that this poem, like the other three, portrays authentic emotional experiences as being essential to humanity/ personhood.

Structure

For all three poems, something I liked was how you’ve structured the line breaks. I thought they sounded natural when read aloud and where they sounded more abrupt they created an interesting effect, like:

if this
then that

The line break creates a staccato sound which reflects the potential harshness or reductivity of the theorem.

I also appreciate this section from that poem:

i must prove
by columns
and
columns
and
columns

The one-word lines make the poem’s shape look like a column, which is neat.
Splitting off the “and” from “columns” also creates a pause between them for emphasis (that’s a lot of columns!).

I also appreciate that you’ve created some regularity of the structure in each poem. For instance, in both ‘what is’ and ‘i am’, the refrains ‘what is X’ and ‘i am a X’ help to unify all the individual parts. Likewise, ‘what is’ is built out of question and answer pairs, which creates the contemplative tone and also portrays a sense of indeterminacy or fluidity in the speaker’s world (like things may not be what they seem, or might be more than one thing).

While there isn’t a structure repeated throughout all of ‘humanity thm’, the use of mathematical symbols is consistent throughout – signs implying equivalence are used in a poem about ‘defining’ things to assigning traits to things. In this way, the use of mathematicals makes the poem distinctive, while helping to convey the message.

Language and Imagery

Something that could have room to grow is the development of the ideas. The themes/interpretations section of this review is really long because I felt like the poems were kind of cryptic. It took me quite a while to arrive at an interpretation (or multiple) for each of them. That could just be me, of course, but I thought I'd go into two parts I found confusing.

In ‘what is’, I found it hard to relate the parts about tears and laughter to the image of the playground in the end. The metaphors for tears and laughter have to do with 1. Nature and 2. The speaker’s personal struggles with genuine laughter. Meanwhile I got the sense that the “playground” was about something else entirely – the insignificance or perhaps immaturity (?) of the word. So the three sets of images felt unrelated to each other and it was hard to see how they all fit in the poem as a whole.

I had a similar problem when reading ‘i am’, where the shift here felt almost too abrupt:

i look at myself
seeing the boy who was there
trying to reclaim those fragments
but
i am a person
not to you
but to myself
i look in the mirror
knowing that i can be myself
diving into my day with no fear

How did the speaker get rid of their fear? Did they successfully reclaim all the “fragments”? The word “trying” seems to imply they haven’t succeeded yet, but in the next few lines, the speaker talks as though they have succeeded.

Overall

I think the poems are strong in aspects of form. They all have a consistent style that makes them fit each other as a collection. You’ve used devices like repetition and line breaks to help convey tone and meaning. The spot where I think they have room to grow is in how word choices (and word choices in sequence, specifically) convey the meaning of the poem. I think there’s potential to be just a little more specific to clarify meaning and give the reader more ‘ground’ to work from.

Hope this helps! Let me know if anything there doesn’t quite make sense / you’d like clarification on!
-Lim

Time for a Black Cat Review!!

MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:

Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret

good afternoon teatiime with two i's. once again, this is another beautiful collection of poetry. I am going to focus on the ladt poem you include, "I Am". This one really caught my eye while i was scrolling through.

i am a liar
not to you
but to myself
i look in the mirror
sewing a smile
practicing a hello

right from the start, this hit me really hard. i love the use of mirrors in poetry, because they can be symbolic of so much. i love this idea of being a liar, not to others but your yourself. the words "sewing a smile" sound so nice when i say them outloud. wow, reading your poetry is giving ME tips for how i can improve, haha!

i love this repetitive pattern you use througout this poem. we see the use of being a cheat, not in life but reality. and a fake, not in sould but in mind.

this last section, which reads:

i am a person
not to you
but to myself
i look in the mirror
knowing that i can be myself
diving into my day with no fear

is extremely beautiful! the statement of "i am a person not to you but to ME" WOW! at the end of this poem, you bring back the mirror again, which i love. i think this gives us a great sense of concluson. this statement really speaks to me. there are some people... certain people <.<... in my life, who i feel do not treat me as "people". they treat me like i am alive but they dont let me live fully. i think this captures that feeling so well!

Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement

oh my goodness, it's really hard to find things to improve in something this beautiful! here is one tiny suggestion for you. in this sentence:

diving into my day with no fear

i feel like saying "without" instead of "with no" flows better. but still, they mean the same thing so it doesnt really matter!

Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises

my favourite part was the ending. seriously it was so beautiful! i connected to this entire poem so well. you have a wonderful way of making me feel heard, through the words you write. so glad to have you on YWS and yo be your friend. keep writing!

Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts

thabks for sharing your voice tea!

Spoiler

BOOOOOOOOO

did i scare you?

just wanted to say you are really cool

sincerly, your friend,

ellie with one i

I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!

Hey, tea! I'm back to review another awesome poem for you.

First impressions...

I've read a bunch of your poetry, and this one stuck out to me the most. I'm always a fan of your punctuation-- but in this piece you demonstrated fluency in symbols as well. The use of mathematic equations or expressions adds a definite sense of uniqueness to this poem. I was pulled in by the first few lines, and I felt your words as if I was the one saying them!

When I was reading this I felt...

Confident, self-aware, serene. This poem had a very ethereal feel to it, and I dug it. It also had somewhat of a sad theme to it, though I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly where I felt it. I would most likely say in the beginning, as I feel that's when the poem felt most powerful.

My favorite line/quote is...

and if x + my tears = a forgotten memory

is x my words?

is x my anger?

like a theorem

I didn't even need to think twice about whether or not these were my favorite lines. This is truly the definition of lyrical and clever writing. Definitely my favorite part.

Some things I would change would be...

I wouldn't change much. The only thing I would recommend would be to split this up into a few stanzas to help with the flow of the piece, so it doesn't look like a big block of text-- but I had trouble doing that when I submitted a poem to YWS too. It doesn't process when you add a space in between stanzas. What I usually do is separate them with ~ or -. Take this recommendation with a grain of salt, though. The poem is perfect as is.

Overall...

This was, yet again, a great read from you! This had everything I looked for in a poem: A theme, lyrical language, and emotion. This might just be my favorite piece I've written by you! Keep up the good work!

With Love,
Leya