z

Young Writers Society


12+

Why?

by basia77201


He frustrated me. It frustrated me that I could never really know if he was sincere. His phone was taken away, and he was the nicest person ever. He talked to me for hours. We joked around and had the best of times. He was humble, he was funny, he was talkative. Yet all my joy in finally having a friend was taken away from me when his phone was given back. It seemed like he had turned on me. He wouldn't communicate with me nevertheless look in my direction. Every time I walked in his room his eyes were glued to his phone. He didn't look at me. He was frozen. The only signs of movement were his fingers frantically moving up and down. Or his sudden laugh. That was also a movement he made. His explanation for not saying anything was, 

"Younger people always say something first." 

The age difference is 2-3 years. When I asked him something, he replied with an abrupt answer, not even looking in my direction. In the times he had his phone or computer, he was very rude. He yelled at his mom, being the fifteen year old he is. He was just overall mean. It annoyed me how he thought I was always either mad or sad. He always said he never knew what my mood was. I look down at the ground, he would ask, 

"Why are you so sad?" 

I reply with an "I'm not sad!" 

And he goes about rolling his eyes. I put my chin up, I get the similar 

"Why are you mad?!" talk. 

Annoyed again, I don't really answer. I look at him when he talks or is doing something and he gets mad. You're forced to think,

"Wow. Am I really that horrible?" 

What happened to him? We spent so many hours at night just talking to each other. But that was when he didn't have his phone. It took me long enough to realize our conversations might not have been real. Those hours of sleep we lost just to talk was probably because I was just an alternative, since he didn't have his phone. I was just the replacement. Is it possible that all our conversations were fake? 

However what bugs me the most is that I still care about him, even though he didn't really care about me. Maybe I should have ignored his behavior and lived my life. Maybe I should have done something about him ignoring me. But now I'm gone. Out of his country that I visited. He has his phone, but he doesn't contact me. Of course I contacted him. He just never replied. 

Maybe he saw my messages and just shooed them away. If that was the case, then I would be adding to the times when I was ignored and forgotten. If I hadn't made a skype call then I don't know how long we would have gone without talking. He has the keychain I gave him. He uses his keys everyday. Which means he sees the keychain everyday. He walks around with a memory of me, so every time he sees it, he must remember me. So why doesn't he talk to me? 

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245 Reviews

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Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:11 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! Cello here with a promised review!

Okay, I just got back from school and drama club so honestly, I'm a bit tired. I'll try my best though.

This was a very interesting story. Good concept, well written. Still, I have some suggestions.

He talked to me for hours. We joked around and had the best of times. He was humble, he was funny, he was talkative.


Okay, so this is just a minor problem-
You say 'talk' then say 'talkative'. Honestly not a big deal, it just bothered me. Just taking out 'he was talkative' could be an easy fix.

He was frozen. The only signs of movement were his fingers frantically moving up and down. Or his sudden laugh. That was also a movement he made. His explanation for not saying anything was,

You kind of get a bit of a sentence jumble in the middle of this quote. Instead of 'The only signs of movement were his fingers frantically moving up and down. Or his sudden laugh. That was also a movement he made.' You could easily say 'The only sign of moment he made were his fingers frantically moving around the screen and the occasional laugh.' Maybe not that exactly, but you get the point. You could easily make these three sentences into one and it would sound a lot better.

When I asked him something, he replied with an abrupt answer

Again, another thing that's more opinion but I would suggest saying 'I would ask him' and 'he would reply'

Why are you mad?!

*Pet peeve alert*
Don't use more that one punctation mark! Get rid of that exclamation!

Annoyed again, I don't really answer. I look at him when he talks or is doing something and he gets mad. You're forced to think,

Hm, not sure about the tense here. I'm not the best with tenses but you might have switched. 'Don't' should be 'didn't', I'm sure on that much. 'look' should be 'looked', 'talk' to 'talked', 'is' to 'was', 'gets' to 'would get', 'You're' to 'I'm'. (The last one was more point of view than tense.) Another thing, I would suggest putting 'if' in front of the second sentence.

However what bugs me the most is that I still care about him

Two minor things- You need a commas after 'however' and I would suggest changing 'bugs' to 'bothers'. 'Bugs' is very casual and I would suggest avoiding it when writing unless being used in dialogue.

Keep up the good work! Sorry the review was so short, hope it helped still. I really enjoyed this and I'm excited to see more work form you soon!

-ChocolateCello




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Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:26 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Hello there! This is my last review before I finish RevMo! Also, welcome to YWS!
I needed some sort of introduction so...
Anyway, onto stuff!

Stuff

Spoiler! :
Ok, don't take this the wrong way (I don't know how you would but anyway) but I get really annoyed when people don't use paragraphs. It just makes the work a lot more difficult to read. So, just use paragraphs next time. But also edit this and put in paragraphs. The "Enter" key is there for a reason. Not just to search stuff.

And this kinda comes under paragraphs but, when two different people are talking, separate them into different paragraphs. So when someone different talks, put it on another paragraph. It just makes it easier to understand.


Plot/Meaning
Spoiler! :
I'm not sure if this is based off a real life occurrence or just something that you felt like writing about, but this is quite meaningful. We're not sure why he pushed your character away, and we never will (since this is a short story and you've already ended it). But obviously, he misses your character (I'd appreciate a name next time. Makes my job easier. You don't have to, though) since he carries around the keychain.
But the fact that he's desperately trying to push her away says something. I'm not sure what, I'm not that good at looking into meanings. I'm not even sure if I was supposed to look this deep, but short stories generally do (I think).


There's not really anything else I could say. Your title does catch the attention of the reader, though. These one-word titles often do. And the concept is interesting.
Um, yeah. That's really all I have to say.

Bye!




basia77201 says...


OK! I'll change those. I left his name out on purpose, but if you read my other story "I miss you" You will be able to find out his name. I left clues in this story. All you have to do is connect the dots. This is based off a real appearance. And that "Her" you are referring to, is actually me. I left out the names though so that if others had similar situations, they can just replace the masculine pronouns with that guys name. However like I said, I left clues and if you care about that you have to investigate! (I know i like to.) Thanks for reviewing and thanks for reading!!!!! And as with pushing me away, I don't know that myself. Its sad.



basia77201 says...


And congrats!



ThePhoenix says...


Ah ok, I didn't read the other one. Sorry!



basia77201 says...


Thats ok. I'm just letting you know.



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Points: 52
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Tue Sep 29, 2015 3:26 am
BEWriter wrote a review...



Hey! So I see you posted this one minute ago, and I thought you'd like to see some crazy fast reviews and I'd love to give them. Let me just start out by saying that this seems like a very interesting concept. The title and description really hooked me, so good job on that! So now time for the hard part. Finding mistakes:

When you said, "His phone was taken away, and he was the nicest person ever." It sounded wrong. If you'd go on reading it would have made more sense, although I think you should try wording it differently. Maybe you could try, " I loved talking with him, he's the nicest person ever, but then he got his phone taken away."

This one is a little nitpicky, but when you said, "When I asked something..." That sounded weird. You might be better off not taking my advice, but I think it would sound a little nicer if you added a 'him' saying, 'When I asked him something...'

When you said, "Being the short 15 year old he is." Adding short doesn't really tie in with the point that you trying to make. That he is being rude. I see how a fifteen year old boy may be rude, but being short doesn't. I understand that you are trying to add in information about him, but maybe you should put it somewhere else. Plus you might want to consider spelling out 15.

Please ignore that first comment. I realize now that I misunderstood it, but maybe you should change it a little so nobody else makes that same mistake.

You might want to separate the story into paragraphs. It might be easier for people to read.

Anyway, I really did like this story. It does make you wonder why. It is so sad how people can be to obsessed with their gadgets and make them the center of their lives. You gave a good message. And I hope that people can relate to this. I had this friend once who always texted when I was over at her house. I was so bored. She didn't even let me hang out with her sister. It led to me saying that I wouldn't go to her house anymore if that was all she was going to do. And I'm glad I did that. And just a question: Why didn't you name the characters?

Good Job! Keep Writing!

- B.E. Writer




basia77201 says...


Thanks for reading and reviewing!!!!!!! It is sad. I will change those things.




Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand