Young Writers Society

Some things before I start:

And with that rant out of the way, let's get to the review.

The Beginning

I feel like, from the strange beginning that hints a deeper backstory, that you've written these two characters before. In which case, congratulations. You have retained two characters without instantly turning your deluded attention to other characters! (AKA my life story). However, since this is categorized as a short story, you have to assume that your readers have absolutely no idea what your past work might be. Therefore, you need to actually introduce your characters.

"But Ellstar!" I hear you scream in the distance. "I thought people said to show, not tell! Shouldn't that mean I act like the character and not introduce myself, since I'm already familiar with the love interest?"

Here's the thing--writing is a con game. While "show, don't tell" is a good rule, a better rule is "Don't take the wallet, let the audience give it to you." You need to earn your audience's confidence to take their wallet/emotion/suspension of disbelief, and you can't do that by "telling" them to give you their money. If you convince them that you're a poor boy in need of cash, they might buy it, but only if you're good at acting. Which is where the "show" part comes in. You need to suggest that your characters are in love or good or interesting, without making it directly obvious. The audience have to feel like they've earned observations of the character--in other words, don't make it too obvious, but make it hard enough to find that the audience has to surf through description to get a proper picture. This still means you have to act, yes, and that also means it makes no sense to introduce your characters like "Hi my name is Protagonist and this is my friend Person Who is Going to Die for my Character Development." However, it still means that you have to drop hints, and make sure they're clear enough for your audience to pick it up, but not too obvious that they notice your con game.

As I read through this, I found you had gone to both sides of the spectrum, but scarcely ever right in the good spot (the middle). Something I'll address individually in the highlights. *

Main Criticisms

Besides the problems I listed in the beginning:

-There were many details that could've easily been omitted but weren't, for some reason. More on that in the highlights.**

-There's no story I can hold onto here. In my humble opinion, a good romance is never about a relationship--Romeo and Juliet was more a family feud story, Wuthering Heights is a story about madness and obsession, Gone Girl is about manipulation (shut up, that is totally a romance and I will accept no other explanation!), etc.. Even when it is about a relationship, it's really more about the characters acting off each other than the "oh, they're in love!" factor. A romance without detail has the same amount of substance as three words: "They're in love." Yawn. In other words, spice your story with details. Tell the jokes that these two share. The things they do together. Where the girl was exactly when she first realized she was in love. A specific and unusual trait she likes from the guy. Why the guy is named after an infamous rapper. It's your story, man. Do what you like.

-It feels like your story doesn't really have a point until the ending. When writing a story, it's always important to subtly remind the reader about the main themes in order to create a uniformity about the work. For example, Chuck Palahniuk's short story "Knock, Knock" is about a young man trying to make his dying father laugh with one of his father's old jokes. The story starts with a common phrase referring to a joke--"Stop me if you've heard this one"--and repeats that phrase throughout the whole story, along with peppering the text with extremely dark jokes (which highlight the darkness of the situation, his father's inevitable death) and occasional references to comedies. The main point never leaves the readers mind, but it feels natural because, since the main character is thinking about it, it makes sense he'd think about the jokes that once cheered his dad up. You can also pepper the text with symbolism and imagery--a story about death that features crows, a story about alcoholism that features empty bottles and vomit in toilet bowls, etc--but that's beside the point. The point is...to find your point. And point that point out. (Yeah, I think that's pretty on point.) But like, don't buy a neon sign to point at it or anything. Just politely poke the audience every now and again, maybe whisper some repetition.



Main Praises

-"Its not my fault I'm your only friend on facebook!" would've been a good example of Show, Don't Tell, if you didn't explain the joke (which is that she only talks to him). While there are occasions when telling is needed (particularly to strange and undecipherable pieces of evidence), this really didn't need that treatment. But still, good on you for this.

-"Opposites don't always attract. We are the exception. " Again, good. Except this is the example of needing a "telling treatment". More on that later.

-I do like how familiar the situation feels, despite myself. While I prefer my romance fantastical (if I can't empathize with it, at the very least it could be entertainingly nonsensical), I do understand where some people are coming from when it comes to familiar romance. It makes a very good foundation, down to Earth and rife with conflict. It's a fertilized plot of land, basically, unassuming enough to allow a story to grow, but just interesting enough to provide proper conflict to grow under. However, again, you need a good set of characters to grow on that land. A story cannot stand alone.

Highlights

-"This could get confusing, so for your sake, and for mine, lets back this up a little." *

An example of going to the "Tell" spectrum--I can immediately tell that this is just a way for the author to show the background. Now, that's something I could live with, I've used it occasionally myself; however, it only applies if your story deserves to be recalled. AKA, it's so unbelievable, so mad, or so confusing that the character needs to recap. Personally, I don't think a confession of love is anything to be recapped on. Something that appears like a confession of love but ends with the girl murdering someone, now, that's something to be recapped on. So I suggest, if you'd rather keep the story as it is now, to let the girl continue with her fond explanation for why she likes this boy by giving examples from the past. ("Do you remember our first conversation? You came up to me with a liter of Diet Coke, and said "I bet you ten bucks that I can drink this with a Mentol under my tongue."" Suggests that the boy is daring, or quirky, or is easy going, or is comfortable doing ridiculous things around the girl, etc..)

-" It was September 2nd, 2015. My family has lived here since July 24, of that same year." **

Unimportant Detail. What do the dates matter? Are they the end of the world? Is the girl a freak with numbers and just likes memorizing them for some reason? No? Okay then, the audience doesn't need to know about them.

-"We were greeted by nice humans."

Quirky, but unexplainably quirky. It sort of hints at a personality for the girl, calling people "humans" like she's an alien, but nothing else in the text suggests she's actually this way. Everything else except this phrase just makes her seem normal.

-"Little did I know that you, Kara and I were in the same room." *

Tip: Never. Never. Ever say "Little Did I Know". Unless it's a joke (and even if it's a joke, sometimes), "Little Did I Know" completely wrecks suspense, tears down any semblance of drama, and just seems like something ripped out of a childrens book. "Suddenly" and "Out of the blue" also apply, but "Suddenly" can get away with it more often. It's just better to tell us what happened than to add anything else behind it. Let the sentence carry itself.

-"Might I add that our code convo for flirting-that-might-not-be-subtle-enough-for-others is simplyperfect. *winks*"

What's with the weird action *wink*? Is this an email? Well, why doesn't she drop more things like that if it is? Why does she drop it at all if it isn't? Again, this is sort of "Telling more than Showing", except somewhat worse, because at least Telling makes a sentence to explain itself. Either give up all hope on prose and just go for *all actions in between stars* and *smilies everywhere*, or try to keep it out.

-"I liked everything about you. Even your flaws."

There's no other way to say it--this is a little cliched. It's my favorite cliche, sure, but that's mostly because I usually translate it to "I liked you because of your flaws" which always leads to interesting character studies. I suggest to build it with something else, show us one of his flaws.

-" I thought we were opposites."*

A rare case where you actually needed to tell us/show us why these two are opposites. Your descriptions are somewhat uncharacteristic and vague, so it's hard to tell why these two are meant to be opposites, why they're meant to be the same, etc.. Easily fixed with the other solutions I suggested.

And that's it. Sorry for writing a long review, I'm feeling lengthy today. Or hey, maybe this ridiculous thing actually helped. Who knows?

--Elliot.