Love sucks. It’s not real and it sucks. Learn this now. I did.
As bad as we want it love isn't all its cracked up to be. It is what it is. Almost impossible to achieve yet if you do achieve it, it will be even harder to keep. Love is what makes peoples lives so miserable. Of course there are people who don't believe me. It seems to me that people want more than anything to take a chance and risk getting hurt. My belief in love is reasonable. Love is just some myth.
My father left my mother and me when I was four. I came down stairs to find my mother at our granite counter top crying over a note and chocolate frosting. This is when I stopped believing in love. And started become one with romance.
Whether its movies or books, Television shows or pictures, romance was the closest connection to love that I had.
My mother thinks I am crazy. I think that she is right, but I also think she is crazy to. I mean, what woman in her right mind would die there hair pink and cut it so short that you can spike it? What woman would where neon green miniskirts and skintight T-shirts with Hot pink Six inch platform healed boots? Answer, my mother, and she calls me crazy.
I on the other hand where modest clothes. White blouses with a skirt or the occasional jeans. My curly golden blond hair is always up. I know that I don't dress my age, but neither does my mother.
My mother owns a bookstore. It’s a bookstore that has worn out chairs and music playing in the background. It’s the kind of place where you can spend the whole day sitting on one of the many couches and getting lost in the book of your choosing. She also sells movies and music. Some of which tend to have something to do with love. My mom refuses to accept my opinion about love. She has dated more then twenty different guys in half a year. She is always telling me to get a boyfriend. Yeah, she is that kind of mother.
That is why, when I started to fall in love I went straight to my mother. Not a big help. I told her about Tomas.
I was sitting in the quad when he asked me. Lunch time for me was alone time. He sat down next to me and stayed quiet. I continued to eat my egg salad sandwich. When I was done he spoke. “Hi.” I swallowed. “Can I help you with something?” I said. He smiled. His perfectly white teeth almost blinded me. “Yes. Go out with me.” I had been chewing on some of my brownie I had packed for dessert when he asked me. I started to choke, coughing violently. He pounded his hand on my back. Once we got my airways cleared I answered him. “Yes”
Tomas is the "golden boy". Mr. Perfect. That is why I was in love with him, or rather who he was. I had come to believe that every guy has a weakness; something that could turn a girl away with the blink of an eye. So when Tomas asked me out one day I said yes, just to find out his weakness.
My mom liked Tomas. I liked him too. My mother liked that he got me to loosen up. I wore my hair down and he even bought me tops that showed some skin. I liked the new me. He liked it too.
There were times that I believed he had no weakness. Times when I thought he was a God. Most of these times were when he and I were kissing. He was a great kisser. I never got bored making out with him. He chose the most romantic and exotic places for our dates. I loved the fact that he would by me presents. I began to realize I was falling in love. That was when I remembered what I had said yes for. I got busy, looking for his weakness
I couldn't find it. Tomas has no weaknesses. He really is Mr. Perfect. I continue to try to find it. I was about to give up all hope when he finally told me what his krypton was. ME.
"I love you." was the first thing he said to me on a gloomy Monday morning. He was driving me to school. I hopped into his truck. He said this as he buckled me in. When he said that it made me think. Do I love him? No. Love isn't real. A myth, a fantasy. That is why I shocked myself by saying I love you too.
He looked at me. I could tell that he had heard the rumors. The rumors that I didn't believe in love. I stared back into his blue eyes. His beautiful blue eyes. "Shut up." I think. "Shut up. Remember, the only reason you went out with him is to find out his weakness." I try to remind myself. "Well, I didn't expect to hear that." He said as he parked his car. I laugh. "I didn't expect myself to say it." Then I kissed him. My first kiss that made me really believe in love, and my first glimpse that maybe, just maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is something called love. I just hadn't seen it in a while
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
The first paragraph to me was a little choppy, repeated and not a very good hook to story, maybe you see with change it up a little bit it would be better, because when I read it was confusing.
The second paragraph was also not that clear as it meant to be, oh so it was choppy.
In one of the parts of the chapter you made the scenes too quickly, meaning that you had one thing but after only one sentence supporting that scene you moved on to a second one. Maybe if you would slow down and take your time. Just a suggestion.
Okay so one of the paragraphs in your story wasn't really necessary in this chapter, I suggest you should delete it.
Well that's all the feedback I can be giving you, for now. See you soon and by.
Also, he's a super long word that describes your story.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...
It means super super amazing.
Y'ello. I'm Ellie and I will be your reviewer for today.
Okay. This First Paragraph is a little choppy, repetive, and not a very good hook into the story. Try something like : Love is said to be a grand thing. We see it and hear about it everyday. We think we all have it. We think were all protected by its grasp.[Add Paragraph 2 here, with edits]
The General Second Paragraph was also choppy and confusing. Also, Combinde Paragraph 2 and pargraph 1, and follow the edits I gave you.
You get this scene over with too quickly! This has some potential for feelings, and yet, you just move on! Also, the chocolate frosting is a little random. Your main character stopped believing in love and started believing in romance? That makes no sense. Take out 'start believing in romance out of the picture, and just say your character dosen't believe in love. period. I can't write this paragraph for you, but here are a few tips to help you start out. [b] My father left when I was four. I remeber the day like it was yesterday . . .
This paragraph is not necesary. Delete it.
Mkay, this whole section might need some rewriting. Fersay, go to one day when maybe your character and her mother are sitting in her bookstore. Your character was having a flashback / thinking about love and now she's back in the real world. Maybe she zoned out, and her mother needs her for a second. Possible Dialouge Convo :
"[Insert Character's Name here]!" I looked back to see my mother clapping her hands.
"Sorry." I said.
"Daydreaming, again, huh?"
"Yea....I thought about the time when father left. He didn't love us."
"You are crazy."
"Oh, you should talk." I whispered [Then Procede to describe the mother's apperance]
Erm, okay, what? This is in the wrong place. They were madly in love and they had their first kiss? O.O, If you delete the last paragrap of the previous section and put this in its place, It will make for a good ending. Also, thoughts shouldn't be in quotations, they should be in italics.
Overall
Dull, Flat, Boring, Pointless. Add a conflict, add more characters. Add obstacles to their love, and you have a great story. Good start though