Hi @anniegirl123,
You story is very intriguing and I can't wait to find out what is going to happen next. The opening is very good and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I realized that you switched back and forth between past tense and present tense. For the most part you used past tense and I would try to keep it consistent.
---The beginning "My head was pounding. I don’t know where I am, or how I got here but it doesn’t seem I’ll find out any time soon." Stick with past tense or present tense instead of going back and forth. In this line, the first sentence is in past tense, while the rest is in present tense. In my opinion, it would be best for you to stick with past tense like most of the story. Also, after "seem" you should probably put "like" or "as though" to make it clearer.
---At the end of the paragraph, you said "Aside from my head, the most pain is coming from my chest, making it rather hard to breathe." It would probably make more sense to say "most of the pain" instead of "the most pain." Also, assuming you are sticking to past tense, it should be "Aside from my head, most of the pain was coming from my chest, making it rather hard to breathe."
---In the next paragraph, you said "It takes a few moments to realize I’m lying down." This should be "It take ME a few moments to realize THAT I'm lying down" (Obviously without capital letters, that was just to make it obvious what was wrong)
---Then you said "Whatever is under me feels grainy and scratches my skin. Skin that already feels like it’s burning." The second sentence here is a fragment of a sentence. If you combine what you are trying to say in the fragment of a sentence with the sentence before it, it would make more sense. After you combine it, it would be something like "Whatever is under me feels grainy and scratches my burning skin"
---At the end of the second paragraph, you said "Once the nausea and headache settled to a more bearable level, I slowly opened my eyes. So that light was the sun..." The transition is very weak and I feel that you should change it somehow.
---In the third paragraph, you stated "A grainy substance fell from my hand in my eyes." I am not quite sure what you meant here....it doesn't make much sense. I would work on making this part clearer.
--- Ok, so at the end of the third paragraph, you said "I rolled on my side, rubbing at my eyes but only felt more of the weird- was that sand- scratching my face." You need to add lots of commas here. It should be "I rolled on my side, rubbing at my eyes, but only felt more of that weird,- was that sand- scratching my face."
--- Now in the fourth paragraph, you said "I reopened my eyes and gazed around the area from my laying position." "laying position" sounds really weird here. Take that part ("from my laying position") out completely and end the sentence there. There really is not a need for that part and it makes no sense. The rest of that paragraph is really nice though.
--- At the end of the fifth paragraph, you said "No one in sight" This sentence is really dull and boring. If you were to leave it, I would change it to "There was no one in sight.", but I feel like you should expand and elaborate on it more.
--- So I really enjoyed the sixth and seventh paragraphs! I think you should change the ending a bit. "No one even knowing where I am. I`m stranded." The tense was a bit strange, considering the tense used before it...so I would change it to "No one knew where I was. I was stranded."
The main problem with your writing is that you tend to switch between past and present tense and have several mistakes throughout your story. Also, it would be nice if you were more descriptive and had more figurative language. I noticed you "published" it as a short story. Maybe you could edit it to a novel? I feel like there is more to the story! Now, for the plot of the story itself, I felt it was a good problem and very intriguing! However, I did not know much about the main character. What is her or his name? What does she/he act like? What does she/he look like? Why was he/she on a cruise? What is her or his personality? As for the surroundings, it makes sense that the main character himself or herself would be confused. So it makes sense why it would only be vaguely described little by little. I also tend to jump right into the story without describing much about the main character though, so I totally understand....just try to work on those things. In conclusion, try to stick to one tense (past tense?), work on the mistakes throughout your piece, and describe the main character more! Thanks a lot! I really enjoyed your story and I hope this helps!
-21gmu
Points: 201
Reviews: 13
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