Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Harold crept through the dark hallway, the only sounds being his quiet steps and shaky breathing. He held the lantern firmly in his sweaty grip, shining its light on the mildew covered walls of the dungeon. It may not have been orders, but there was no way he was going to abandon Will, his partner. Even if that meant he had to sneak through an enemy dungeon.
He came across a thick oak door and reached out, gripping the cold steel handle. With a cautious tug, the door creaked open to another dark hallway. His nose was immediately assaulted by a stale sick sent that he recognized as infection and he had to take a few moments to get used to it. Harold briefly glanced behind him before continuing deeper into the dungeon.
Much like the last hallway he had been through, this one was lined with cells, each one being separated from each other by a wall of cement and closed off from the hallway by steel bars. He held the lantern closer to the wall, gazing into each cell as he passed. Then as he grew closer to the end of the hallway, Harold began to hear it, a faint raspy breathing. He sped up as he felt his heart begin to race.
At the final cell in the hallway he froze, his breath hitching. A figure lay on its side on the filthy stone floor, curled in on itself. It’s toothpick like arms were bound behind its back. The figure’s ribs jutted out sharply from its chest. There were red tears in its pale paper-thin skin, coated in dried blood in some places and in other places, the skin was burnt completely away to reveal yellowing bones. A few flies buzzed around it, eating away at the rotting flesh. He couldn’t see the figure’s face under the tangle of matted brown hair, but he knew who it was.
Knew that hair had once been blonde and in a neat buzz-cut. Knew that it once had large strong muscles and healthy tan skin. Knew that this person had once been one of the toughest and bravest soldiers he had ever known. He knew that this was Will. This figure had once been not only his partner but also his inspiration, his hero. But looking at this hollow shell of a person, Harold could not even begin to think of it as he same Will he knew.
Harold felt his stomach churn and it took all the willpower he had not to kneel over and be sick right there. Because he was too late. Too late to save one of his closest friends from whatever horrible torture he’d been put through. And from the slow cruel death of starvation.
His heart seemed to stop at the sound of approaching footsteps. He could not move, and felt himself shaking no matter how hard he tried to stay calm as the sound grew louder. A person stepped into view. He caught a glimpse of a malicious sneer and dark cold eyes before the lantern slipped from his sweaty grip and crashed to the ground, covering the room in a blanket of darkness.
The footsteps continued, growing ever closer. His trembling legs refused to move, refused to listen to his command to run and get out of there. He wanted to scream, to tell this monster to stay away, but no words would come. His heart was beating so rapidly he feared it might explode when he heard the crunching of glass. Even without seeing he could sense the monster standing before him, could smell the stench of its breath as it leaned closer. He tried to back away.
Then a cold metal sliced through his neck, and hot liquid spurted from the gash, streaming down his chest. He choked and coughed out a thick metallic tasting liquid. He was knocked onto his back as the dagger pierced his stomach and then his chest. Blood poured from the wounds, covering his body and drenching his clothes with the warm red liquid. He looked down at himself, finally getting sick as his blurring vision saw bone sticking up from his chest and torn bloody muscle. And as his world faded into a void of nothing, he thought he heard a deep chuckling and receding steps.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
I think this short story is perfect. You built up the tension, thrill, and suspense. I loved your descriptions, too, especially when Harold finds his friend. I could imagine him and that kind of made me sick - exactly the reaction you should be hoping to get. I have no improvements to suggest as I can clearly see your efforts in this. You started at the heart of action and gradually revealed their story. Therefore, this snippet was effective and became successful in capturing my interest. Your title reflected that the story will be ending at a positive note but, once again, you took me by surprise.
Very, very, well done, and keep writing!
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked it so much.
No problem!
Lightbringer here with a review :>
This short story is actually simple and well executed. My love for dungeon crawling brought me here :3
First of all, I can say it's simple, and decent at best. It utilizes most of the human senses to describe what the dungeon is like, and I love it when writers do that, makes them a part of the story itself. Yellowing bones, ribs jutted out, appalling but it gives a solid sense of death, naturally, he wouldn't decompose to just bones under an hour, flies buzzing around the corpses? Check.
Second, though short, I liked how Harold did his part; his hands were sweaty, he's slightly scared and he's risked his neck (literally xD) in an enemy dungeon for his friend. Maybe that sounds generic, but the quite dark theme of the story makes it worthwhile to read. It reminded me of one of the Aesop fables about the bear and the two travelers, where misfortune tests the sincerity of friends.
Third, it was kept simple, the descriptions and stuff, I like the way you did it. I remember trying to make my own short story, then I turned it into a novelette because I was too overly-descriptive, and some parts just lack description, it's out of balance and it's really lame, but yours is seemingly perfect.
Fourth, I loved the ending, again, it's just realistic and well thought out. Cold metal and hot blood contrasts. It (again) reminded me when I tested a cutter's sharpness by running it through my thumb, it was cold, then followed by some hot pain sensation. The taste of blood was metallic when my dentist extracted one of my tooth, I'm not adept in the medical field but blurring vision seems like a result of oxygen starvation?
Fifth, yes there are a few flaws, but I'm not good enough to find it. Sorry if I couldn't point it out. But I appreciate at how this short story was kept to 'short', it's well-made, simple and nothing more.
-Lightbringer
Thanks for the review, I'm glad you liked it.
Hi there!
GreenLight24 here with a review for you!
I've been away from YWS for awhile so I hope this review knocks the rust off quick!
First of all, I've got to say that I really like your premise here. The whole "guy going into creepy dungeon for no other reason than to save his pal even though it might get him killed" trope was a good choice for this one-shot. After reading the title, one expects that everything will go well and that both the guy and his friend will escape from this ordeal unscathed, yet the reader also knows that's just too simply and easy to be true. Instead, this story plays out in the opposite direction with a dark ending and an even darker question left in the mind of the reader: "Who on Earth was the shady figure who slit Harold's neck?"
Usually, I like short stories that have a very clear point/meaning and that don't leave me searching for answers. I think that the beauty of this one actually lies in its ambiguity. By not telling us much about the relationship between Harold and Will or why Will is in the dungeon to begin with, you allow us to fill those details in ourselves. Of course, Harold's death is less dramatic because of that, but I think for a one shot piece like this it works just fine.
As far as any improvements you could make to the story I think that some of your narrative technique could be smoother. If you're going for ambiguity (which it seems you are) I would suggest trying to narrate the story in a way that makes it even more vague. The fuzzier the images in the reader's mind, the more leeway their imagination has to work with.
Your descriptive language is goos though in some places more description of Harold's feelings about the setting rather than simply the setting would be cool. For instance, you tell us what the hallway looks like, how the dungeon smells, and what Will's body looks like but it'd be more effective to tell us how each of those things makes Harold feel. You said that he couldn't believe the body was Will. That was a nice start but what specifically about the feeling Harold gets looking at the body is different from the feelings he used to get when he was with Will.
Overall this is a good piece and unless you plan on turning it into a novel or series of shorts, you dont have much to fix up. I hope this review helps you in some way, shape, or form.
Keep Writing,
Stay Awesome,
GreenLight24
It did help me very much, thank you! I really appreciate you telling me what I need to work on because I love to hear constructive criticism even more than compliments because it helps me to improve my future writing.