z

Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Come Closer

by anniegirl123


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

I was walking down the road, heading home after a long day at work, when up ahead I saw a person standing under a streetlight. I slowed my pace coming to a stop near the person. I don't know why but something about them made me pause. Like their very presence demanded attention.

It was a woman. She had an amazing figure with curves in all the right places, and wavy black hair that poured over her small shoulders. She looked up at me and winked. I froze, feeling a strange feeling wash over me.

“Come closer,” she said in a low, soothing voice.

“But, I have to...” what did I have to do? I felt like it was important, but this woman in front of me was so... inviting? No, all of my instincts were telling me to run, and yet, I found myself stepping closer to her. She looked up at me through her long eyelashes, almost seeming innocent. But not really, more like mischievous.

“It’s okay,” her red lips tilted up in a smile. I took another step towards her. I felt the urge to reach up and touch her porcelain skin, but restrained myself. There was a dangerous glint in her blood-red eyes. Wait, red? Her eyes were red, weren’t they? Yet, it strangely was a very beautiful color on her. An almost scary sort of beautiful.

I stopped only a foot away from her. I could feel sweat dripping down the back of my neck. I needed to run, something just wasn’t right.

“I uh, I have-“ she reached out and placed a thin finger on my lips, smiling coyly.

“Follow me,” she took my hand and led me down the empty street a ways before turning into an alley. The building to my left blocked the moon from view, making it much darker.

“Are you ready?” I felt a soft, cool hand cup my face.

“Y-yeah,” was forced through my lips. But I wasn’t ready. She tilted my head to the side and stepped closer, pressing her body against me. I tried to step back but she held me in place. Wait... why was I resisting? I couldn’t remember.

“It’ll only hurt a little,” she whispered, her lips brushing against my ear. Then something sharp pierced my neck and I could feel her sucking against my skin. I moaned, wrapping my arms around her thin waist and pulling her tighter against me. My head was spinning and everything began to feel hot. I didn’t want this to end.

But I began to hear a ringing in my ears. I could feel the woman pulling away and tried to hold her there, but she slipped from my grasp.

She reached her hand into my pocket and slid out my phone. Oh... that must have been the ringing. She answered the phone and I tried to focus on what was being said, but my mind was in a haze. I could only barley make out the voice of another woman... and it sounded strangely familiar.

Then the woman in front of me hung up, looking more than slightly annoyed. She threw the phone on the ground and smashed the heel of her boot into the screen. She muttered something to herself before turning back to face me.

“Sorry about that, I...” she hesitated, twirling a strand of her dark hair around a finger.

“I was just hoping that-“ she paused, then shook her head lightly. She leaned closer to me and I could feel her breath ghosting over my face. She tilted her head to the side and brought her lips up to meet his, then pulled away only a second later.

“If only you weren’t married... I really wanted more of you,” she sighed, brushing some hair behind her ear. I opened my mouth to speak, but didn’t really know what to say.

“Go home, you have a family waiting for you,” she stepped away, disappearing into the darkness.


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522 Reviews


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Wed Feb 03, 2016 2:49 am
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi Annie!

This is definitely a unique story, although I'm not really sure what direction it's going down. I have to admit that it's not my cup of tea, but then I'm not super into reading a short story where the largest chunk is provocative and sensual. However, I'm certain that parts of it can be cleaned up so that it becomes smoother and more complete.

The biggest thing is that you shouldn't shy away from is fleshing things out more. There are a lot of moments where I was reading and then I found myself asking why I felt that the prose was lacking. You can almost grasp its emptiness. It's like you have spaghetti but no sauce. Maybe there's a little sprinkling of pepper, but that's certainly not enough to satisfy the tastebuds. I would encourage you look into the ideas you have written and elaborate on the ones that you deem more important for the reader to become engrossed in. It's doubly important to not flesh out every idea you have, or else it becomes too much and something that is called purple prose. (This is something that I myself am guilty of so yes, it can happen and yes, it's not good!) Everything is moderation, we say.

Something else that I would suggest you focus on is your characters. Currently, they're a little confusing, especially the strange woman. She is prone to snapping in and out of behaviours that would normally be considered polar opposites of each other, and yet there is no explanation on whether this is meant to be or if this is just faulty characterization. In so short a story, it's important to have well-rounded characters but again, as with description, you don't want to overdo it. It might be a good idea to focus on two or three parts of the character's personality that you think are crucial to the story arc and then go from there. Of course, you can always go further but it's good to start with a healthy, well-nourished base. After all, tomatoes are the base to any great spaghetti sauce. ;)

I have a few minor things that I came across as well:

almost seeming innocent. But not really, more like mischievous.


This is contradictory. You can't say, "She almost seemed innocent, but not really." That's like saying "just kidding". It's a little funky, don't you think?

I needed to run, something just wasn't right.


The comma placement is incorrect which actually makes the sentence a comma splice (when two independent clauses are joined in the wrong way). The two easiest solutions include creating two separate independent clauses with a period or replacing the comma with a semi-colon. For more information, I will direct you to this article.

and brought her lips up to meet his


I think you meant "mine" instead of "his".

Then something sharp pierced my neck


"Piercing" implies something akin to a needle penetrating skin. So have the woman's teeth actually penetrated the main character's neck? That's a little freaky...

Overall, this piece just needs a little more explanation and elaboration in parts. After, it should be less confusing for the reader and a little clearer. It's good to be suspenseful but clear thoughts are still required. Mysteries are the last place to be incoherent! You definitely have something that is interesting and intriguing and you've done a good job of creating a rather misty and foreboding atmosphere. :)

Thanks for the read!

Best,
Lav




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Wed Feb 03, 2016 1:04 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Yams here for a review!

My main problem with this is that it's a short story. And it doesn't really feel like a short story with a cliffhanger. The characters feel like they want to expand and develop but they don't really have much time to do that in a short story. I just wanted to point that out.

So I'm assuming this is about vampires. It seems like it was about a vampire. The vampire-lady didn't feel very real. In all honesty? I imagine real vampires to be savage and just taking their pray and not seducing them or anything like that. I feel like the thrist for blood is just lust.

That was my thoughts on the story, have a great day!




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Wed Feb 03, 2016 12:59 am
Kaila wrote a review...



Wow ok... weird. That was actually pretty well written... but also fairly creepy. Also abrupt. I might've had them meet and, like, talk a little or something before the two random strangers started making out in the alleyway!! Also, this is pretty objectifying to women--I mean like the way the woman is described--although I guess that's kind of the point. Still, they should probably have a reason to start a conversation and then talk a little bit AT LEAST.





Writing is the geometry of the soul.
— Plato