Why do you smile
When I cry
With pain, anguish,
Dejected by the pangs of separation?
Do you not see
My endless suffering,
Crumpling on the face of life,
Grieved at being away from you?
Do you not realize
The void in my life
Which is your name
That you choose not to come back?
Or do you want to see me suffer-
Burn in pain, scarred,
Mourning bereft of what was mine?
Or do you just want to close your eyes
And not look at me altogether?
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139,847 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Wow...!!! Kudos to you, I am still looking foward to a day when I'll be able to come up with such wonderful inspiration, its a great piece.
However you spacing and periods are seriously off...!!! You could really do better, also I dont know if its just me but I feel you question marks would be a great way to differentiate each stanza, take the first 8 lines for example they can create two stanza like this....
"Why do you smile,
When I cry,
With pain, anguish,
Dejected by the pangs of separation?
Do you not see,
My endless suffering,
Crumpling on the face of life,
Grieved at being away from you?"
You will notice that instead of putting the question mark in the first line in stanza 1 I placed it on line 4 to end a thought of questioning.
You did a good Job with your choice of world and with just a little tweak here and there you will have a wonderful poem on your hands.
Keep up the good spirit...!!!
Thanks a ton for writing me an insightful review.
i loved this. it was really cool and the words you used really described what you were feeling(where you really feeling it or was it just inspiration?). anyhow...please write more! i love these kind of short, expressive poems!!!
It was a bit of both actually...and thanks for reviewing it
I really like this! A lot! It's very meaningful in the short amount of words you use, and very personal. And even though I feel like it's a bit harsh, I think that fits it very well. The only thing after "separation" you forgot to put periods.
But I think even the style you put this in is really good! Just really touching. And good wording!
Thanks for the review and for appreciating my work. Means a lot!
Starting and ending with a question, very nice. Also your choice of words was good, using a complex word but not using too many of them, prefect. I do wish that there was a bit more to this so that your point to this poem was clearer (in a muddy way...) but besides that this was well written. I look forward to see what else you have to write.
This was good, I liked the flow of your words. I loved the word choice actually. You have a gift my friend. Keep on writing through pain, it`s the best.
Thanks a ton for reviewing my work.
I really did like it, but I have one critique, but do take it with a grain of salt. I might be wrong. You put the question marks at the very first line of each question instead of the end. Are you trying to make the parts after the question mark like an explanation? Unless you are going for a certain effect I would put the question marks at the end for example: Why do you smile/When I cry/With pain,anguish,/ Dejected by the pangs of separation?
Thanks for the insight!
I love this! It really shows a lot of emotions of a love that can not be. There's almost nothing wrong with your poem! (Cause it's so amazing!) I just saw this one thing, in line fourteen.
"Burn in pain ... "
I think it should be "burning in pain" since that would make more sense. But overall I absolutely loved it!
Thanks a ton for reviewing and appreciating my work.
I love how you made the tone of this poem accusing, plaintive, longing, and greiving all at the same time. It's short, but it doesn't have to be long to express the emotion in this poem. I also like that, though it is free verse, there is a rythm to it. That kind of compensates for the untraditional style of this poem. I also like how elegic it is, but its not sing-songy. I wrote an elegy just recently, but It wasn't very good, or I would have posted it already.
Thannks a ton for writing me that. And as far as your poem is concerned, you'd do great!