I Loved You

Hey there An!

I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review. I hope my review is helpful, if you have any questions about something I bring up in the review, feel free to PM me!

Time stopped when we met,
We both in whites and blue
We looked into each other
And I had fallen, I knew.

Nice start! The only problem I have with this stanza is the second line. 'We both in white and blue' does not have a verb, so it is a fragment. I understand you mean the two are wearing white and blue, but it's best to avoid fragments because they can read awkwardly.

The rest is history, they say,
Day by day I grew
Growing to like you, growing to love you,
Growing to be one from two.

This stanza was very well written. I especially liked the fourth line. It's a very beautiful idea!

But I feared to tell ye the truth
That I hath fallen for thee
Fear or losing friendship ceased me
If ye don’t feel for me.

Okay, right here you have a major voice shift. This is a problem because it has a strong effect on your readers. It causes them to question the rest of the poem in general. Why did he change the style like this? Will the rest of the poem be like this? It's generally a bad idea to shift the readers attention so suddenly.

When I braved mastering my mind
It was too late I guess,
You were already someone else’s
Love shone on your face.

This stanza doesn't feel as stiff or formal as the prior one. But, I didn't get what was going on in this stanza. It is well written, but the meaning gets lost in some of the wording. I think it'd be best to make your point a little clearer in this stanza.

I blame you not for choosing someone
Other than me as your Guy,
Only I’m to be blamed for my fate
A truth I cannot deny.

Again, there is a shift to more formal wording. I personally enjoyed the conversational tones of the first stanzas a little more. 'Guy' should not be capitalized. You'd be well off editing either the formal sounding stanzas, or the informal sounding ones to sound the same as the other. The two different styles don't really fit in the same poem well. It jars the reader a little.

Your last blink, your last touch, your hand waving goodbye
I cherish the feeling all alone, I smile and I cry.
I loved you, I love you still
‘cause love is never gone
I live my life, I’m still alive
Rugged, ruffled and forlorn.

I loved this last stanza. It was by far the strongest! You present your idea clearly, and beautifully. This stanza is what you should be shooting for with every stanza you write. It also loses the formal tone.

Okay, in conclusion, try to avoid the shift in your voice through this poem. You do a great job with imagery, but sometimes your ideas are lost in the wording. Try to achieve clarity and beauty with every stanza you write.

Keep up the good work, Anir!

This was really good, just a couple things i didnt understand
how you transitioned from talkning normal amd then adding ye, and thee? and it wasnt in any other part of your writing it was kind of confusing, and i didnt really understand it.
Then when you said " we both in whites in blues" i didnt understand what that i had to do with meeting was that your colors? Just use a little bit more detail, And when you said you were to blame for your fate? what was your fate? overall it was amazing. Keep it up, i can really relate to this . Excellent writing

Not a bad poem, but the third stanza definitely needs revision. The use of archaic words was inconsistent with thte rest of the poem, and came out as being quite disruptive. Either use that type onf language for the whole poem (running the risk of sounding pretentious)m or change the words you use to rhyme. Another option would be to ignore the strict rhyme scheme (my favorite option) and find a near rhyme, or don't rhyme it at all. I you don't want any major changes to the lines, at least don't use "ye".

I liked the poem, but you should figure out the tense that you are trying to use. Because that got confusing in the first stanza. But really that iswhat I found and you should keep writing, because you have really nice potential.

It was love at first sight that continues to grow, something he conceals for a long which she doesn't know. Scared of the outcome if he opens his mouth to confess but it made him horrible when she loved someone else. Especially, the hurt he's feeling was emphasized in the last stanza. That's what i concluded and felt after reading your poem and i think many feels or experienced what you had written.

Keep going and be strong,..
Have faith in God,..
=)

Hi!
So, firstly i'll admit that I am a sucker for romantic poetry so often even if something is written badly, I'll still appreciate it because i'm in love with love. However, that does not mean to say that yours is written badly, just thought i'd let you know that when reviewing things like this, perhaps i'm a little biased haha!

Ok, so overall, the tone of the poem is fitting. It reminds me of old school love poetry, i'm thinking Keats, Byron etc. Obviously, you use old english here too, so that adds to the the atmosphere you're trying to convey.

A few points:

1) The use of tense in the first stanza confused me slightly. You use the past tense, then on the final line you use, "And I’ve fallen, I knew." Is this an intentional juxtaposition in tense? To me, it seems slightly awkward with the present mixed with the past.

2) I noticed a few grammatical oddities. For example, your habit of capitalising random words. We have "History" and "Guy." History does not need a capital letter here. However, I don't know if you're using guy as in somebody's name or just the colloquial term for man. If the latter, obviously it doesn't need a capital letter.

Ok, enough criticism! I really like the last line of the poem. I adore the use of triplets and the three words you have used create brilliant imagery. The contrast between being alive, but then being rugged, ruffled and forlorn really reflects the ideas well. As everyone who's been in love knows, you're merely existing and the effects it has on you are very strange!
Good job overall, just focus on the formatting issue and the few grammatical technicalities I suggested.

Helen