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139,847 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hmm! I’m really confused. Is this person gone, or is this person waiting for the speaker? I’m not sure, because the poem starts out speaking as if the “you” is dead, unreachable, which is pretty engaging, but then we get to the fifth stanza and after that it seems like this person is always there physically, with loyal love. That makes it really hard for me to get attached to this poem, because it seems like you’re also unclear as to the relationship between the two characters.
That said, even if it were clear, most of this description is vague and lifeless, so it wouldn’t be very engaging anyway. But I know for a fact that you have the potential to write engagingly about love, because you did so in this stanza:
“seen you enough”
Seen you enough is an original and important thought. That said, it can’t be the focus of the poem, because it fills its entire purpose just from being spoken once. The casual word of the use “enough” makes us wonder what that means. Can we ever see someone enough times? If we know we have to die, when will we say, “Okay, I think I’ve seen enough and I can die happily now”. We live (or at least I do) in a society where we’re expected to think of love as something going forever and ever and you can never have enough, so it has to be until death do you part.
But you’ve caught it there: isn’t there a point at which you’d be relatively happy with stopping? And where does it fall? After your first argument? After their deepest secret? Then there’s nothing new? Is that possible? It’s an important thought, and I think it goes well with your theme of ending but not knowing.
This is the vividness, the power that the rest of the poem needs. Just three words make me think this much, while the rest doesn’t really make me ponder. It seems like I’ve heard most of it before: “If this were your last day, I’d try to stop it”. Of course you would, but I’ve heard that story before. What newness can you give me?
I hope you’re encouraged my this review, because I’m encouraged by what I saw in your poem.
PM me if you have any questions or comments on the review, as I don’t get notifications to replies to reviews. I’d be happy to talk it over with you.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Hello!!!!! I'm Ly and i will be reviewing your work for you!!!
First of all, I think this poem can go far if you do some minor editing.
NEEDS WORK:
I wasn't sure if you were going to rhyme or not. at first, it looked like every other stanza would rhyme, and the others would not. Then it didn't carry on that pattern. So, i would suggest you use the pattern you first started with. It would be a verty creative poem then.
If I'd only known,
That this is the last time I sit by your side,
I would have told you how much I loved you,
keeping the rest aside.
i didn't like this cheap rhyming here. It was almost lazy. never put the same end word to rhyme. NEVER. it sounds phoney.
GREAT WORK:
Favourite line~ I would have breathed my last for you,
Favourite word(s)~ stopped the sun to set.
Favourite Stanza~ If I'd only known,
That this is the last time we've met,
I would have stopped the break of dawn,
And stopped the sun to set.
Great job!! i think this can really go far if you wanted it to!!!!! Just a little work and you'll be there!!
xoxo,
Kamryn
Hey there..
It was a very fast replay of everything written above it.. genius!!
This poem was raw and emotional, and that is something that I appreciate in a writer's work. I think that you put alot of you in there and it was refreshing to read.
There is just a few things that I would tell you to alter to make the poem a more pleasurable read for a reader.
I think the depth of this poem should'nt be measured in words... that is one thing you should think about. You're a little verbose at times, and there's nothing truly wrong with that. But i think that the extra words harm the flow.
The ending, on the other hand, was amazing!!! A potent blow right to the heart
Keep on writing , you do a good job
Hello Anriban!
I will just get straight into the topic. I love your poem but you have made a few sentences you could fix up like the sentence "I wouldn't ever see you again" and this sentence has a letter missing "if I'd know that you never come back". the things I liked in this poem it rhymes after a period of time and then it has a rest.
Hey there, Anirban! ^^
I haven't seen or spoken to you yet so I'd like to start with saying: Welcome to YWS and nice to meet you! ^^ I hope you are having a great time at the site!
Alright, let's get to the poem itself now, shall we? ^^
This was a good poem. I could really feel the frustration and pain of the narrator while reading this.
The layout of this poem also looks great and neat. It made the poem very attracting to read. I liked the repetition of "If I'd only known" at the beginning of each stanza. It made the poem more special to me.
Alright, now up to the few nitpicks that I have!
It would sound a lot better if you changed this into: "That I would never see you again,".
I think this sentence would flow a lot better if you put the "always" in front of "stand" instead of behind it.
"know" should be "known".
I suggest you place an "I" in front there. It will make it sound a lot stronger. ^^
Alright, that was it from me! Good job on this. I really enjoyed reading it and if you have any questions, just shoot me a message! ^^
qaralynn
I just love it, amazing work. the second last stanza is a bit confusing but overall it is so good . I enjoyed reading it. good work, happy writing.