It’s been a while
since I finally accepted
the end.
But my heart still aches
everytime I think
of how we ended.
And if I could go back,
I wish I could tell you:
I stayed for so long,
not because I was weak
but because I believed
in the good person in you.
And I left, not because
you stopped wanting me,
but because I no longer
loved myself by loving you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,837 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey anirban, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:
It's very easily attainable as to where you were taking this poem, and what I should be thinking at the end. That's good, because with something as simple and short as this, you just have to get it over and done with. Nothing too fancy.
Negatives:Well, it's just yet another "romance" that's been played out. I never ever write romance, really, because it's the most over-written, overused topic on the face of the planet, and has been since the beginning of time. Even the Bible puts too much emphasis on it sometimes, I feel. In the end, if you're going to write anything romantic, then it really needs to be different and unique, otherwise there's no reason for me to read it.
The choice of style and vocabulary is fine, but it's just...there. No pizzazz and no new and exciting play on words or anything of that sort. So, I don't feel that it has much of a value in today's market for writing, though the poem itself is fine and I'm sure that many would love to read it.
Overall:It's no my thing, and I feel it could use some boosts in the artistic field.
I give it:
I really enjoyed this poem! I love choppy writing where each line is a part of a sentence. This is how good poetry is written, in my opinion, with little thoughts representing bigger ones. Additionally, I think that the theme is really relatable. Thank you for contributing this poem because i absolutely loved reading it!!
Ayyy there. Let's talk about this.
Syntactically speaking, you'll wanna nix the double instances of 'ended' in the beginning for flow and mouth feel. Your line breaks are arduous at times and I think that some experimentation on your part would yield some positive results. Try to line your breaks up naturally with how you breathe and rotate your cadence; the outcome will be nice since you don't have an experimental structure here.
Speaking literally, you're rocking a rather nice shaken-up version of the breakup story that I like for its freshness and simplicity. The ending is particularly powerful because you give us just the briefest exploration of this complication that the narrator was loving vicariously through his/her partner and I love that, absolutely adore it. And I almost wish there was more exploration into the notion, but at the same time the brevity here is very potent.
All in all you have a powerful piece; some parts could likely be trimmed down for flow's sake, and you could experiment with expansion or concision if you so wanted, but really I think if you focused your editing on refinement and really making the words here rattle with heartbreak and understanding that you'd have a mighty piece ready for publishing.
All the best,
Ty
I must say that this poem seems to exemplify the "short, sweet, simple, and to the point". With so few words, you are sure able to say a lot. What I liked especially was your ability to to rhyme certain words that are generally not rhymed by the common person who prides him or herself a poet (an example of such being your rhyming of "weak" with "believed", which is a very ancient variation of the rhyme, dating back to pre-medieval France and Britain). I do not know if this was intentional, but either way it works, and, additionally, is quite unique. The structure of your rhymes are uncommon, and that works. As for the message, it makes me rather sad as well. The somber theme made me recall some events of my own past. However, when referring to the theme, it can come across as contrived at times, even borderline cliche. This puts you between a rock and a hard place as the author of this work, referring to it specifically. The theme itself has been done before, so it is nothing unique from that perspective. The only other issue I had with it was your punctuational inconsistency. You use everything from periods, to commas, to colons. I would say that you stick to only commas. I know that you are trying to utilize proper sentence structure, but this is poetry, and the same syntax does not always apply. Again, it may be merely an intentional choice of structure, but that caught by attention.
Other than that, I enjoyed the poem on a purely personal level. I like how it seemed like it was addressing me directly, making it feel all the more personal. It was a nice piece and I look forward to seeing more of your poetry.
Best,
-Holden