dust devils in my lungs
pull up all the stray
roots - "you will not
live here," the wind says
to my body, and i know
she's right, because i
haven't learned to swim
through all this heat.
so i set myself aflame
to try to blend in,
try to sing along with the
cicadas before the sky
unravels, and they become
enraged, their urgent
anger rattling the air -
how presumptive of me
to imagine the summer
breeze was a choir
rather than an army
surely i am not meant
to survive long
in a place like this.
(A/N: capitalization choices have been made intentionally)
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Someone remind me to post the song version of this since it has mysteriously resurfaced 2 years later in the lit-spotlight
It’s the feeling of not belonging somewhere.Of feeling like an alien.I liked that there was no capitalization.It sets the feel of that loneliness in a crowd.Of sticking out.This poem could also be about change and how it’s not easy to adapt (It never is). Maybe it’s really both. Those were my thoughts on it,anyway. I really enjoyed reading your poem. I hope that you will have a lovely and amazing day and night.
thanks vampricone - yes the poem is about not feeling at home in a new place and not being able to adjust. Any critiques?
No, not really any critiques.
Hi alliyah! I thought I'd leave a review on this lovely poem!
This poem has a very flowing, continuous feel which I really like! It does get slightly rambly at times, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think your decision to not use capitalization contributes nicely to the flow as well, and I also like your choice to keep the poem all as one stanza - I don't think breaking it into smaller sections would work very well for a piece like this.
I think it's interesting that you've chosen to only divide the poem into two sentences, and use other punctuation such as dashes, as a substitute. There are even a couple of spots where I feel like line breaks alone indicate a pause in thought. Personally, I would use a couple more full stops, to make the different ideas easier to tell apart, but in a poem like this it almost feels like a stylistic choice - and technically, everything is grammatically correct.
I really love the imagery you use throughout the poem, especially phrases that seem somewhat contradictory. I wouldn't say they're oxymorons, but something similar to that?
^These are my favourite two lines - you generally think of swimming as a way to cool off, so it's neat to use it in reverse! It also describes perfectly how heat has a certain thickness to it, which makes it hard to move through.
Overall, I really like the poem. I think you've conveyed how awful the heat of summertime can be really well! It's perhaps a bit rambling for my taste, but if that's what you're going for, it definitely worked!
I hope this review is helpful, and keep writing
whatchamacallit
Are you a Yankee or a Westerner or...? No matter what, though, welcome to Dixie, the land of... well, tanks owned by rednecks, sweetened teas, and mosquitoes!
Anyways, it's Vilnius with a review!
Trust me, I know how you feel. Have the allergies kicked in yet? If not, give it a few weeks-- they'll come. Yankees I know need a month or two to get used to the humidity if there aren't already. You've described a lot of the stuff that most of us locals go through. We don't care for it, either.
(Be happy we're in quarantine-- it's pollen season.)
I wish you luck.
Okay thanks for the comment Vilnius! I'd like to hear what you thought of the poem.
...I am so sorry, my brain thought that it said "I liked it" without saying that for some reason XD
I thought it was well-written and really good, whether it reminded m why I'm not leaving he house until a corona-free autumn comes along or not.
Do you mind me asking which state?